How? How did she know about the cairn and that incident? Did Shouhou tell her? No. That can't be right. The girls involved that day all helped to keep it a secret from the two of them. It doesn't make sense to tell Zuihou about this at such a time. Shouhou is definitely involved somehow, she wouldn't send that LINE message otherwise.
"Why did you say that?"
Please. Don't ask me anymore.
"That's not important. Admiral, your answer? " (Zuihou)
What should I do? Maybe it's best I continue acting dumb. That's right. There is no need to tell her. She just needs to remain clueless, cute and innocent for me. Besides, she wants me to tell her that it's a lie. I'm giving her what she wants.
"Non-"
I can see the pained expression on Zuihou's face being covered in tears,
Is this all right? How much longer can I keep this under the carpet? The revelation will hurt her but who is to say continuing this lie of mine won't? She is already this close to finding the truth. Lying will just force her to look for the answers herself and once she does...
Either way, our relationship will never be the same again. But continuing the lie only for her to find out the truth herself is more damaging.
If she doesn't hate me now, she will loathe me even more when she discovers the truth.
I don't want that.
"Admiral, your answer?" (Zuihou)
Her hands clutched her chest.
"That's..."
I need to tell her. I have to tell her.
"Yes. Weeks before you found you in the Northern Salmon Sea area, there was another Zuihou who sunk at that very same spot. I'm... sorry."
"No. That... can't be..." (Zuihou)
Zuihou clutched her head and fell to her knees.
"Zuihou!"
I quickly rushed to her side. She is trembling and her breathing is getting more and more ragged,
"Shouhou was right. Now it makes sense... The many model planes in my room that I don't remember buying or receiving... That metallic Type 97 on the shelf... All of them did not belong to me in the first place. The pained expression you make sometimes when you look at me... That worried look I always see when I go for sorties... I must have reminded you of the other Zuihou. Heh... Haha... You weren't looking at me after all." (Zuihou)
"That's not true."
I reached a hand towards her.
"LIAR!" (Zuihou)
She slapped my hand away. Zuihou stood up and staggered backwards. Her hands clutching her chest as tears continued to flow down her cheeks,
"Shouhou, Admiral... You are all liars. All these years... Admiral... IS A LIAR!!" (Zuihou)
Zuihou dashed out of the room, leaving me by my lonesome.
My hand stings but more than that...
My chest hurts really bad. It's getting harder to breathe.
"Zuihou..."
I expected something like this to happen but to think it hurts this bad.
But what about Zuihou? How is she feeling right now? Her pain must be more than mine.
"What a joke. She completely hates me now... That is normal."
My vision is getting blurry.
Once again, I failed to make her happy. Why am I so pathetic? This sucks.
"Ah crap. I knew it." (Ryuujou)
I looked up to see Ryuujou standing at the doorway.
"That bad eh." (Ryuujou)
I rubbed my eyes and nod my head,
"She passed by us earlier. Shouhou is chasing after her right now. Gonna make sure that flatty ain't gonna do anything stupid." (Ryuujou)
"How did she find out?"
Ryuujou explained that on the 19th of June, the night of her birthday, Zuihou saw me going up the hill and followed me. She heard me talking to the 'other Zuihou' and ran off when it looked like her cover was about to be blown. She went back up there a few days later and discovered the cairn. After that, she forced Shouhou to tell her about that incident and fell sick from the shocking revelation. It seems that she still doesn't believe it and wanted to hear the truth from my mouth. That's why she confronted me.
"This sucks. That's the worst way for her to find out."
"Yep. More importantly, why are ya still sitting on your ass and doing nothing?" (Ryuujou)
"What should I do then? She completely hates me now. Just like before, I failed her once again."
Maybe I'm not fit to be an Admiral after all.
There was a sudden sharp pain on my head as I felt something hit it.
"Ow! What?!"
I looked up once again to see Ryuujou visibly pissed off with her fist clenched.
"You halfwit!" (Ryuujou)
She grabbed me by the collar,
"Just like before?! What do you mean just like before?! When Zuihou sank in the North Salmon Sea? Why the hell are you comparing that to this?! Back then, back then, back then... 'nough of this shit! How long are ya going to keep living in the past?!" (Ryuujou)
"Let go of me!"
"Do you think being like this is helping anyone? Atone? For what? For that incident? Who is blaming you? No one but yourself!" (Ryuujou)
"I was the one who sent them on the mission. It was my strategy that killed her!"
"Did Shouhou blame ya for her death? Did I resent ya for it? The answer is no! No one resents ya for anything! Why can't you understand that? Why da hell are ya beating yourself over this case all these years? All of us have moved on from that already. Why can't you do that as well?!" (Ryuujou)
"Then tell me how! How do I move on? Teach me! I loved her. I miss her so much. Every time I look at Zuihou, I can't help but compare the two of them. I still see the old Zuihou in her. How can I not think about her every time?"
"You are being disrespectful to Zuihou. The current one." (Ryuujou)
"Sorry but I can't help it. I really... don't know what to do..."
The two of them just share the same body, face, love for planes, cuteness, sweetness, culinary skills... the list goes on. It's all these common traits which always caused me to compare both of them and think about the past.
Ryuujou let go of my collar,
"I can't teach you how to move on. Ya gonna hafta learn that yourself. How 'bout tis? Instead of looking at the similarities, try looking at the differences" (Ryuujou)
"I already know their differences. The current Zuihou is more innocent, curious, gets flustered more easily and not true to herself."
"I ain't asking you to compare them. I'm saying, instead of seeing her as just a lookalike, look at Zuihou as another person. I know it can be hard but," (Ryuujou)
A hand came into view,
"It's a small step. I'm not asking ya to forget about the past. I'm asking ya to look at the present. Ya can't change the past but ya can still work on the present. So, give it a try. Look at Zuihou for who she is now. Whaddya say?" (Ryuujou)
Ryuujou has a point. Even Zuihou herself said it. I haven't been looking at her at all.
Can I really do it?
"It doesn't have to be immediate. Take all the time ya need. You can grief but don't let it consume ya. Don't lose sight of what's in front of ya." (Ryuujou)
I took her hand,
"Fine. I'll try. What should I do now?"
"For starters, go wash ya face. You look horrible." (Ryuujou)
I went to the bathroom and washed my face.Oh god. I look like shit.
"All done?" (Ryuujou)
"Alright. Let's go." (Ryuujou)
"To?"
"To find Zuihou. Surprisingly, Shouhou lost her. We are going to rendezvous with her at the docks and discuss what to do." (Ryuujou)
"Is it all right for me to go after her?"
"Don't ye dare start again. In fact, it's times like this where you should be involved. Talk to her." (Ryuujou)
She nudged me towards the door. A walk turned into a run as we made our way to the docks. Over there, Shouhou was pacing around worridly.
"Shouhou, thought of anything?" (Ryuujou)
"Ryuujou. And Admiral..." (Shouhou)
Shouhou bowed deeply,
"I'm so sorry! Even though I promised to keep it a secret, I told her everything. I'm so sorry!" (Shouhou)
I shook my head,
"That's alright. We kept this secret long enough."
"But still..." (Shouhou)
"More importantly, what's the plan?"
"I'm sorry. She managed to give me the slip. I lost sight of her when we were about to pass the docks." (Shouhou)
So that's why we are meeting here.
"What if she goes out to sea?" (Shouhou)
"In this dead of night? Nah. She aint' dat stupid to do such a'thing." (Ryuujou)
"Besides, unless it's an emergency, the Arsenal and Launcher are locked at night. She has to be somewhere in the base."
"Split up and search?" (Ryuujou)
"Well, that's all we can do now. Ryuujou, go search the dorm areas. Shouhou, you take the facility areas. I'll take the rest. We will meet back here in an hour."
"Alright." (Ryuujou)
"Yes." (Shouhou)
"We will keep in touch on LINE." (Ryuujou)
"Move out."
I searched to the training grounds first. This place has a lot of spots to hide. I learnt that fact from the Mutsuki class when they were playing a game of Hide-and-Seek. The bushes, the trees, the behind the target launcher, I searched everywhere and couldn't find her. Of course. Why would she be crying at the training grounds? I need to think this through carefully. Where would she most likely spend her time at?
Planes... Tamagoyaki... Bath...
The hanger for our LBAS planes, the mess hall, and the docks. Please let one of these options be right.
I ran towards the hanger. The aircraft doors are locked from the inside but I have the key to personnel entrance. I entered the first hanger and searched. Nothing. Likewise with the other three. Shit.
The result was the same in the mess hall and Mamiya's kitchen. She was in neither of those places. That leaves the docks, but I highly doubt she is there. It's such an obvious place.
I sprinted towards the docks. I opened the sliding door and walked in the changing room. The lights turned as I flicked the switch. There is the sound of running water and sobbing.
Eh? Am I hearing things?
I slowly opened the sliding door to the bath areas and peeked in, making sure not to make any noise. My ears weren't playing tricks on me. It's dark but I can clearly hear someone crying inside.
Is she really in here? Or is it another shipgirl? There is no denying the possibility of the latter. If there is a shipgirl crying alone in there, Zuihou or not, I would want to comfort them. But I would rather prioritize looking for Zuihou right now.
I took out my phone and messaged the other two to meet me back at the docks. I will have them check and see who is crying in here first before I make my next move.
"Got any ideas?" (Ryuujou)
Shouhou was first to regroup, followed by Ryuujou seconds later.
"I hear crying inside. I need you two to help me investigate."
"You think she might be inside?" (Shouhou)
"If we are lucky. At the same time, you can take a bath. If it's another shipgirl, talk to her and tell me about it the next morning."
"If it's Zuihou, we will secure her." (Ryuujou)
"That's not really the right word, but whatever. I will wait outside here. If it's not Zuihou, tell me and I will continue searching. After your bath, head back to your room and get some sleep. It's already way past midnight."
"No. I will help you. She is my sister." (Shouhou)
"Me too. I can't leave my bestie alone in such a state." (Ryuujou)
The two of them must be tired but they are still trying to help me... I'm grateful.
"Fine. Take a break in the baths. I will wait here for your update."
Ryuujou and Shouhou entered the docks as I stood outside. Please let it be Zuihou. There is still one more place I have yet to search. The highest point in the base. That hill at the corner overlooking the entire Naval District and the sea. If she is not in there, I will search that place.
"Where are you, Zuihou?"
I let my thoughts wander. Once I find Zuihou, what should I say to her? How should I apologize to her? What can I do to repair our relationship? I ran the various scenarios in my head. How would she react to my words, the things she might do. I want to think that she will instantly forgive me but that ain't ever going to happen in reality.
"WAAAHHH!!!!" (??????)
A loud wail snapped me out of my imagination and almost made me jump out of my skin. Holy crap. What is that? I want to rush in and see for myself but there are three girls in there. Let's just wait for their updates.
My phone played a notification sound. It was a message from Ryuujou,
"It's all up to you afterwards."
I take it that Zuihou is inside? So that gut-wenching cry was from her? I have never heard her cry like that before...
"Zuihou..."
I continued to wait outside the docks. Her gut-wenching cry slowly died down until I couldn't hear it anymore. I just have to wait for them to come out. No matter how long it's going to take.
The door slid open and the two light carriers exited. Eh? Only Shouhou and Ryuujou? What about Zuihou?
"Fuu~ Dat was a good bath. Time for bed." (Ryuujou)
"Erm... Ryuujou-san? Where is Zuihou?"
"I told ya, didn't I? It's all up ta you now. She is still inside. Go get 'er." (Ryuujou)
"Huh?! You want me to walk in on her naked? That's ridiculous!
"When ya say it like that, it does sound weird." (Ryuujou)
"It's okay. Zuihou is okay with you going in." (Shouhou)
And I thought you are the calm and collected one out of these three.
"Shouhou, you can't be serious."
"I'm serious. Zuihou wants to talk to you in the baths." (Shouhou)
"No no no. These kind of things only happens in fictional material, like manga or anime. It will not happen in real life. Unless you are a couple, bathing together is just inviting trouble."
"Then just become a couple." (Ryuujou)
"What happened to the Ryuujou that got me to get my shit together three hours ago? And Shouhou, you don't have to agree so readily."
"Tch. Enough. Just go in already. Ever heard of Hadaka no Tsukiai? Being naked is the best way to bond with one another." (Ryuujou)
"Where's the logic in that? And you know very well what happens when a boy and girl gets naked. They will physically bond in the end."
Ryuujou's face reddened,
"I ain't talking the physical part, ye perv!" (Ryuujou)
"Geez. Come on. My sister is waiting for you inside. Hurry up. You want to make up with her, right?" (Shouhou)
Shouhou nudged me to the door.
"Yeah. But I just don't see why the need to do it in the nude?"
"Going into the baths with clothes is considered rude."
Logic be damned with these girls now. Maybe the exhaustion is getting to their heads.
Though seeing Zuihou naked is... No no no. TPO, Keita. This doesn't match any of it. I'm just going in to talk to her. I don't feel good letting this drag until the next day.
"Fine. I'll go."
"There's my dude." (Ryuujou)
"Oi. You two, don't push me!"
What with them being so rough with me today?
"I know you can do it, Admiral. I believe in you." (Shouhou)
The door closed behind me. Now, I'm in the dressing room. I feel awkward already!
Calm down. Deep breaths. Why did I agree to this?
I stripped off my sweat-drenched clothes and put them in the washing machine. Wrapping a towel around my waist, I knocked on the door to the bathing area,
"Zuihou, it's me."
"C-come in..." (Zuihou)
I took a deep breath, and slid the door open. At the end of the room, in the main pool, I can see Zuihou facing away from me. The water reached up to the part above her elbow, exposing her pale shoulders and a bit of her back,
"Zuihou..."
"Go wash yourself first... I heard you ran around quite a bit."
I listened to her and picked a wash area that is the middle of several. Making sure the towel stays on, I washed and scrubbed myself from head to toe. It feels refreshing to get rid of all the sweat.
I can see Zuihou glancing at me from behind the mirror.
"Once you are done, come in." (Zuihou)
"Are you sure? Isn't this embarrassing to you?"
"Y-you don't have to tell me that... But this is the only way..." (ZUihou)
Seriously, what is wrong with the three of them today?
I entered the pool with my towel and sat down with my back facing her,
"Is this okay with you?"
"M-mmh. This is fine..." (Zuihou)
The room was silent, with only the sound of tranquil flowing water here to keep us company.
"Zuihou, I-"
"Admiral, I-" (Zuihou)
"Ah. Um... You go first."
"N-no. You can go first. You are my superior after all." (Zuihou)
When she says that, it feels as though my heart is being stabbed. Has our relationship fallen that far?
"Please don't say things like I'm your superior or anything like that. It feels so sad..."
The flowing water continued to fill in the silent gaps.
"Zuihou, I'm sorry for keeping this from you for so long. I should have told you long ago but... No. That's just an excuse."
"I... felt sad. Not only did you keep such an important secret from me, when I realized the reason you sometimes have that pained expression on your face when talking to me, I knew I was being compared to the other me. It really hurts." (Zuihou)
"I understand. I'm sorry. You are right, I am reminded of the previous Zuihou. It's just that..."
I can't find the right words...
"I'm so sorry. I know I shouldn't have... But... I can't..."
What's wrong with me? Why can't I find the right words to say? How can I convey my thoughts to her?
"... How... was she like...? As in the Zuihou before me." (Zuihou)
"Do you really want to know?"
I glanced back and she did the same,
"Yes. Tell me all about her." (Zuihou)
"She was just like you actually. She is cute and sweet. She likes to cook, loves planes, the two of you essentially two peas in a pod. She can go on and on about how cute the legs of the Type 99 bomber are and the performance of the Suisei and its maintenance difficulty. She would always push me to work whenever I slack off. She listened to my childish ramblings during my time as a Lieutenant."
My eyes are getting watery again... Memories of the girl I love flooded back into my mind. They always do but this time, it's much more overwhelming.
"She was always there for me. When the others were still wary of my existence as a human and kept their distance, she was the first one to approach and warm up to me. She supported me, comforted me, spoiled me... She was everything to me..."
"Admiral..." (Zuihou)
"I loved her. After breaking through the Northern Salmon Seas, I was going to tell her that. In the end... she is gone. All because of my half-assed strategy... I miss her... so much..."
Images of Zuihou flashed through my mind repeatedly. The times we spent together... The bento lunches she made for me daily... The sweet ring of voice calling out my name... Her sweet smile...
This is bad. I can't hold it anymore. I must be looking so pathetic to Zuihou. A grown-ass man like myself crying like a baby...
I suddenly felt something pressing against my back and wrapped around me from behind. Through the blur, I can see a pair of hands around my chest.
"That's enough. You don't have to say anymore." (Zuihou)
"Zui...hou..."
"I'm sorry for not understanding. Admiral, you have been doing your best for so long. If only I realized it sooner..." (Zuihou)
I can feel her trembling behind me. Is she crying as well?
"You didn't know. I hid it from you. I'm sorry for keeping it a secret from you. I'm so sorry..."
"That's enough. It's okay already. I'm sorry for running away and calling you a liar. I was always watching you yet I didn't know you were hurting... I'm so sorry... for not realizing it earlier." (Zuihou)
Years of grief and sorrow... Everything that I have been doing my best to stifle inside... it all rushed out through the floodgates. I don't know how long or hard I cried, but it was the first time in a long while that I truly felt relieved.
Zuihou laid against me as I put my arms around her gently. My eyes sting a little.
"Feeling better?" (Zuihou)
Zuihou tilted her head upwards to look at me. Her eyes are puffy and red from all that crying. I think mine are like that as well.
"Yeah. Much better. Thank you, Zuihou."
"Ehehe~ Your welcome~ " (Zuihou)
She smiled before facing the front again.
"Zuihou,"
"What is it, Admiral?" (Zuihou)
She scooped up some water in her palms and let them fall back into the bath.
"You're so cute."
"Eh?!" Where did that come from?" (Zuihou)
She looked at me again. I can't tell if she is flustered or it's because of the heat but her face is red.
I tightened my arms around her tiny waist.
"Ah!" (Zuihou)
"Zuihou, honestly speaking, it will take a while for me to really move on."
Zuihou placed a hand on my arm.
"Can you help me? I want to relearn everything about you. The things you like, your favourite place, favourite food... I want to know more about you."
The air was silent again. Zuihou started to move away from me. Turning around, hands covering her tiny chest,
"Once again, I'm Zuihou. Please look after me." (Zuihou)
"Same here. Please take care of me."
...
The both of us chuckled at this weird little roleplay of ours. What are we doing?
"Come here, Zuihou."
Zuihou moved closer and entered my outstretched arms. As we hugged, I can feel two pointy tips touching me.
We broke the hug and looked at each other. I brushed away the strands of hair stuck on her face.
"You are finally looking at me~" (Zuihou)