The drowning sensation like he have water in his lungs and countless hands are holding him down trying to drag him to the depths of the murky waters and the stinging pain as if his body was beaten and bruised... those are the last remnants of his first life.
Somehow, whenever he tries to remember his first life he feels 'worthless'.
It's probably better not to remember it.
The feeling of anguish and regret.
He doesn't think he was himself in his first life.