Had it ever crossed your mind how lonely it would get as you grow older? I had never thought about it until today. I sat down and think about life after done texting my friends. I realized that if I didn't initiate the chat no one would come and text me. To be honest at times being myself just felt so tiring because I have to take care of other people and also myself. I can't expect others to take care of me. It was just like a normal day. Waking up early, getting some breakfast, did some work and then the routine continue until night. This week had been a little bit too overwhelming for me as it had been so hectic. I don't even want to mentioned how hectic it is. Almost had no time to give myself a rest.
And emotionally I was also struggling. Posting on social media is so normal for me that everyone thought that I'm happy and contented with my life right now when I felt like my world is just slowly falling apart. I'm slowly losing even more people that I want to keep by my side. I lost someone again this week I think. I just want to think like this. I wish I didn't lose him. He's such an important friend to me. And yet he stopped replying to me. I think almost like two weeks of no reply. I keep on telling myself for weeks. Try to be more understanding. Maybe he's busy with work and assignments. I don't know how long can I continue to lie to myself this way. It's causing me to become even worse every day. I don't even know how many times I had comfort myself like this.
I just felt that it was just so suffocating to the point that I'm trying to grasp for air. Perhaps the person whose reading this right now couldn't understand what I'm going through right now. Maybe all these sounded fake to you. To be honest I don't like to fake my emotions but just that I am able to hide my emotions well. Like I won't let people to see my real emotion on my face. The other day he texted me back saying the same old phrase.
'Hey I'm sorry for not texting back. I was falling apart. So sorry and thanks for everything that you had done.'
To be honest when I saw this text I didn't know how to reply to his message. So, I just ask how was he? Then there goes another few days of no replies. Just one sentence replied which is I'm ok. And that's it. I really don't know how to go back to how we were before if you're just going to text me when you want to and don't text me when you don't want to. Welcome to say I'm cruel or anything that you can say about me. I'm just really tired being friends with you. It's been so long since I last had this kind of feelings but now it's here again. I don't really want to feel this way honestly. The feeling of constantly annoyed because you're not replying but at the same time worried about what really happened to you.
You had been such a good friend to me and I don't know what had made you do this drastic change. I believe that you're on your social media since you need to check your messages but is it so hard to just type more than one sentence to me. Had I done anything that made you felt uncomfortable? Why do you have to like just leave me hanging for weeks without knowing what happen to you? I had told you countless times when you have any problems just come and find me. I will always be here for you. I am never leaving your side. I will hold on to this promise until the day I am no longer on this Earth or when you don't want me anymore. I don't want to be the only one holding the end of the thread and knowing that you would not be at the other end of the thread. There will be a day where I won't be there when you turn around and when that day comes don't blame me. I had given my all for you but you were the one who didn't hold on to it.
Actually, a lot of people had asked me why did you spam your friend with messages so much. My answer was simple. I just want them to feel that at least on this Earth there's still someone who needs them when they felt that no one wants them anymore or no one appreciate them. I had always done my best in a friendship. As long as you don't give up on me, I won't give up on us. Of course, a coin has two sides. You can't expect someone to always be there when you turn around and leave them when you don't need them. For me, friendship is the purest form of relationship and I don't want it to be tainted. I want us to be best friends forever although I don't know how long is forever. For me as long as I could be there for you it's sufficient because I want to be your pillar of support when you feel like your world is crumbling down or when you feel like someone is tying a knot in your heart. I wish you all the happiness that you can get. I wish you all the best in life. If one day you decide to come back, I will still be here waiting for your text as always. I will be here to hold on to the promise that I've made if I am still around. I don't make empty promises unless you were the one to go against it first. I will tell you this one time thank you for everything.
To those who are reading this right now, let me assure you one thing all these are my true feelings and I'm not faking them. I'm not in love with my best friend just that I am a very affectionate person.