"You brought this all to yourself, Louie..." Simula ng real talk sa akin ni Gio habang nakaupo ako sa isa sa mga metal benches sa airport, waiting for my flight to Istanbul. "Parang di mo naman sinunod lahat ng instructions ko sa iyo, no? Parehas kayo in a position not to afford lying to each other."
"Hindi naman ako nagsinungaling sa kanya." Pagdadahilan ko, being technical about things. "Di ko lang nasabi sa kanya agad as I was sorting my feelings for him. Alam mo iyan."
"It's still the same, Louie." Wala talaga akong lusot sa counselor-in-training kong ito. "If you told him the reason why you can't commit to a relationship simula pa lang, di na sana siya nageffort na suyuin ka. Or rather, nagkaroon na siya ng oras to plan what to do about you. Siyempre nga naman, magugulat yung tao na sinabi mo iyon kung kailang pupunta ka na ng Ireland, di man lang siya nakapag-prepare?"
"Di ba siya nagawi sa inyo?"
"Sa akin mo pa talaga siya hinanap. Aso lang?" Sinundan iyon ng halakhak na kitang-kita ko sa video call namin. "I told him not to come here kasi ang dami kong guests. He said pupunta na lang siya sa nanay niya - must be trying to chill and let off some steam."
The day after bumalik kami mula Nueva Ecija, hindi niya binubuksan ang pinto ng bahay niya, kahit ilang katok ko o alok ko ng ulam sa kanya. Kahit gabi nakapatay ang mga ilaw na para bang uminom siya ng madaming sleeping pills at tinulog na lang ang buong araw niya. Kung hindi sa kaka-seen niya ng mga messages ko baka napatawag na ako sa 911 at pinatadyakan sa NBI ang kanyang gate para i-rescue siya.
Gio told me not to force patching things up with him - not because it's impossible na mapatawad ako ni Dan but because he must be too drained how a roller coaster the past few months have been. I should just stick on sending messages just to let him know I'm okay.
"I'm just afraid he will not talk to me again, you know..." That point I must admit na nami-miss ko siya. "Ayoko lang kasing umalis na may bad blood ako sa kahit sino, lalo na sa kanya. When you thought we straightened up lahat ng sabit."
"As if di ka babalik sa Manila once in a while, right?" May point nga naman siya. "He loves you, I assure you. Di ka matitis nun. Pag di pa rin siya nagparamdam anytime soon ako na mismo sasapok sa kanya. This drama isn't all about him, you know."
"Thank you. Na-send ko pala sa iyo yung passwords ng CCTVs ko, ah."
"No biggie. Wala namang magnanakaw doon sa bahay mo diyos ko, daig mo pa prison cell sa pagka-paranoid eh!" We ended the call promising he'll check my place once in a while kapag nabibista niya si Dan.
I hate romance movie cliches pero ito iyong moment na I wished tatakbo si Dan papasok sa airport, haharangin siya ng guards tapos magsisisigaw na mahal niya ako at ayaw niya akong umalis. Pero real life 'to kaya malabong mangyari iyon. Nang nag-flash sa TV screens that the gates are open it was a sign for me na kailangan kong umalis na ganito ang situwasyon.
"Zrasti?" (Hello?)
"Khei, kak varvi?" (Hey, how's it going?)
"V momenta s?m v Varna. Zashto?" (I'm in Varna right now. Why?)
"Za s?zhalenie! Mislekh, che si na rabota." (Sorry! I thought you're at work.)
"Tova e dobre. Zashto se obadikhte?" (It's okay. Why did you called?)
It was my first weekend in Bulgaria and I decided to spent it sa isa sa mga resorts sa Varna, a city beside the Black Sea. Not that it's too different sa Pilipinas - you can mistaken it to Boracay or some other island pag napuntahan mo, just that hindi siya isla at di masyadong mainit kahit na summer.
And the similarities do not end there - marami rin silang simbahan at mga call center gaya sa Pinas, which is the reason why Beata sent me here to check one of her vendors. Madali naman silang kausap such that yung akala mong pagkasungit nila is just their normal poker face. Pag naka-kwentuhan mo na sila you'll realize how they love their families and hate their government just like us.
"I was looking for some files you shared yesterday but I can't find it anywhere in my e-mail..." Daing ni Boyko sa akin, isa sa mga company staff namin. "Do you remember the file name so I'll search for it myself? The HQ's nagging me already."
"No it's okay, I have my drive in my phone. Let me send you a link."
"Oh goodness, thank you! Sorry I've disturbed you. Nasladi!"
"Chao." Sabay baba ko sa telepono para i-send ang hinihingi. Thank goodness for technology, even if it makes me connected sa trabaho all the time. I don't mind it anyway if it makes me distracted sa lahat ng drama ko sa buhay.
The beach was filled by Russians, Germans and other tourists like me. Yun nga lang, I awkwardly stand out being the only Pinoy around. They say Europeans like Asians dahil unique kulay natin but no, not really in the mood for that.
We found someone you may super like! Notification ng dating app ko sa phone. Another bald-headed local na super borta ang katawan - ganun ba lahat ng lalaki dito? Parang puro judo at weightlifting lang alam nilang gawin. I ended up swiping left.
Hanggang sa pagbalik ko sa hotel di pa rin mawala sa akin yung mabigat na feeling. Ang ganda pa naman sana ng views ng sunset and everyone's out to party, pero all in my head was Dan - how I wish he was here with me, since nababanggit naman niya yung pangarap niyang maikot ang mundo. Europe's small anyway so magcru-cruise kami sa Prague, aakyatin namin yung ruins sa Athens, magsasayaw sa Barcelona, magkakape sa Paris, magpapakalasing sa Berlin at magpapaka-ligaw sa mga tube sa London...
It's my fault, definitely. Ginusto mo 'to, Louie. Pabebe ka kasi, eh. How dare you demand him to be honest while you can't even be honest with him, yourself and your feelings?
I decided na isara ang kurtina ng kwarto ko and just let the bedside lamp be my companion. Wala rin naman ako sa ganang kumain. In fact I was longing for something else, his hands larger than mine, his careful touch that makes me shiver and crave for more...
Kahit anong gawin ko to please myself it doesn't satisfy me. Even I let others hold it, it won't be enough. It misses his warmth. It misses his caress. It misses his love.
Hindi ko maalalang nag-set ako ng alarm kaya naasar akong tumutunog ng malakas ang cellphone ko. The curtains are still closed at wala akong kamalay-malay anong oras na labas, until my eyes cleared out at nagising ako sa katotohanan:
One Call Waiting: Beata
I must be fucked up! Nagmadali akong mag-swipe sa screen para sagutin siya.
"Louie, do you have a hang-over?" Inis na bati ng boss ko pagkasagot ko ng tawag. "I know the Black Sea is fun but I never knew you'd be wild and crazy so early!"
"No Beata, I actually over-slept." Clarification ko. "I...I even forgot dinner. What's up?"
"What's up my ass, you definitely forgot something!" Halata yung galit niya sa paanong lumalabas ang accent niya, kahit na subukan niyang lambingin ako. "You still remember what I asked you before sending you to Manila, right?"
"Oh, fuck - sorry, sorry, it slipped out of my mind..."
"You don't have to be sorry, as I took care of it now. Really, what's up with you?" Nahaluan na ng pag-aalala ang tono ng kausap ko. "You're not the kind who forget things! Signs of aging?"
"Now that's offensive, Beata."
"I'm just joking else I might spew harsh words on you. Anyway, I already talked to HR in Manila and they already found someone to take over your job there. You did the initial interviews, right? Why haven't you told me your recommendations?"
"I thought it's the HR that will send it to you!"
"See, you remember Jordan? The scruffy guy with glasses?"
Wait, nagbibiro ba 'tong boss ko?
"I have no choice but to choose him, all the other guys simply won't work. Thing is, we can't onboard him in Singapore so I told the Manila staff to give him tickets to Budapest."
I was wide open trying to process what she just said. Totoo ba 'to? Is the one above really making a joke out of us? It's as if he's playing a perfect orchestra para lang sa aming dalawa.
"Hello...you're still there?"
"R...right. Sorry, I missed the last part..."
"Okay, I won't repeat this anymore. Tell Boyko you'll leave earlier, he can handle stuff anyway." Napahanap ako ng papel at ballpen habang nakaipit pa ang cellphone ko between my ears and my shoulders. "Check out later and take the plane to Hungary; I'll send you the tickets. Jordan should arrive around the same time as you then he'll brief you about your agenda there. Got questions?"
"Noted." Confirmation ko sa kanya. "Gosh, Beata, why should we always work on short notice like this?"
"This is what you signed up for!" Ano nga bang choice ko. "And stop complaining! I really chose him on purpose as he seems the one for you!"
"Get out of my love life, okay." Inis kong sagot. "Bye!"
"Have fun. Mwah!"
Napasinghal na lang ako habang nakaupo sa gilid ng higaan. Sarado na sigurado ang breakfast buffet - bahala na akong makakain ko sa bus. I rushed to pack my things and let the reception na aalis na ako.
Iba mas priority ko noon, though - paano ko siya haharapin? May idea ba siya sa lahat ng kalokohang 'to? Galit ba talaga siya sa akin, o isa lang ito sa mga sick jokes niya? Tang ina naman, di ko na alam! Lahat na lang ng klaseng emosyon naramdaman ko na dahil sa kanya!
If only I could ask the bus and the taxis na lumipad para lang mapabilis ako. Di ko malaman saan ko nakuha yung energy to sprint hundreds of kilometers - daig ko pa ang sumali sa Amazing Race. Sa kamamadali ko, sa airport ko na lang nagawang i-message siya:
Gago ka. Hindi mo sinasabing natanggap ka pala. Nagngingit-ngit kong message, pero ang hinayupak walang sagot. Hanggang dito seen pa rin. Di ba uso wifi sa sinakyan niyang eroplano?
Wala na sa akin kahit siksik ang eroplano at may maingay na baby sa hilera namin, ang mahalaga maka-alis ng payapa. Lord, tigilan mo na pagjo-joke oh, huwag mo naman sanang pabagsakin 'tong eroplano, paranoid kong dasal as the plane took off.
Halos hating-gabi na nang nakarating ang eroplano mula Sofia papuntang Budapest. Kahit na marami akong kasamang pasahero, the airport felt empty and lonely pagpasok ko. If not for the lights sa runway, the whole area will be pitch black.
He must be here by now, isip ko as I fumble for my phone. Akala ko wala talaga siyang balak magparamdam till the last minute tapos ito, puro missed call na pala siya. Nasa train station ako, message niya sa akin 30 minutes bago ako dumating. I hope di siya nagngingit-ngit sa galit ngayon dahil di ko siya nareplayan!
"Sorry, kala-land ko lang. Pasakay na ako ng shuttle." Straight-faced kong mensahe sa kanya. But deep inside gustong-gusto ko na siyang makita. Paano siya nakarating mag-isa dito? Anong mga plano niya at kailangang sumunod siya sa akin?
From the shuttle to the train station kaunti na lang ang nakasabay ko, all tired from their flights and just want to go home. Pagkakita ko sa kanya sa bintana all I wanted is to dash palabas. He was there waving at me, wearing the wrong clothes for the season, waiting sa harap ng classical facade ng istasyon.
"Buwisit ka!" Kaysa hello ang masabi ko iyon talaga ang sumalubong sa kanya. "Niloloko mo ba talaga ako? Of all things na pwedeng mangyari, ito pang pagsunod mo sa Budapest, of all places? How in the fuck you managed to end up here?"
"Google Maps!" Pa-bibo niyang sagot.
"Hindi iyon eh...why? Paano nangyaring kailangan mong sumunod dito?" Doon na lumabas lahat ng init ng ulo ko. "Lahat ba ng pagda-drama mo bago ako umalis, joke lang para mainis ako? May idea ka ba sa lahat ng 'to ever since?"
"No! I'll be a stalker for you pero wala talaga akong alam sa lahat ng 'to!" His face tried to hide his giggles dahil alam niyang masasapok ko siya. "Last minute lang noong may tumawag sa aking tanggap na daw ako. Tapos itong boss mo minadali akong lumipad papunta dito. Buti na lang di pa paso passport ko!"
And there I was still gasping for air.
"Huy, okay ka lang?" Kumuha siya ng tubig mula sa nakasukbit niyang bag. "Uminom ka muna-"
"Wait, naninikip yung dibdib ko..." Pero yung dibdib niya ang pinaghahampas ko kaysa yung akin. "Di ko na alam paniniwalaan ko, Dan. Di ko na kaya 'tong larong 'to. Game over na sana, please? Naka-abot na sa ibang bansa 'tong kalokohan natin!"
Of course, his natural response was to bring himself closer to me.
"Ito na talaga, Louie. Makakahinga na tayo ng maluwag! Ayaw mo nun, wala ka nang dahilan para itulak ako? Anong say mo?"
"Hindi ka galit sa akin?"
"Ako nga dapat mag-sorry sa iyo, eh. Depress-depress ako eh ang simple-simple lang naman solusyunan 'tong problema natin." Parehas nga talaga kaming malaking tanga. "Simula ngayon lahat haharapin natin ng magkasama, ha? Pag may problema, pag-uusapan. Pag may drama, isha-share. Pag masaya, parehas tayong tatawa. Pag may kalaban, lalaban. Ano?"
"Hanggang dito ba naman magspe-speech ka pa rin?" Here I was, trying to control my tear ducts from opening.
"Bakit hindi?" Our embrace became tighter, walang paki-alam kung may nakakapansin ba sa amin. "So ano, go na tayo sa adventure natin?"
"Game." Assurance ko with a smile on my face. "Ikaw pa, malakas ka sa akin, eh."
Then he returned my favor with a very passionate kiss, one that will put Europeans into envy.
"Diyos ko Dan, di ka ba talaga maka-tiis?"
"Paki nila." Napatawa na lang kami as we walk leisurely papasok sa istasyon, knowing the night will be nice for the both of us.