"How did I know I was in love?" Sarah repeated, "I didn't. Not at first. Things just developed gradually. In retrospect, it was obvious but it wasn't when it was happening."
"Things like what?"
"How I enjoyed his company. How I looked forward to mealtimes because he was there. How I liked his smile. Just ... just everything. I would talk and think about him constantly but felt that was normal. I mean, he's Kay's twin, right? Of course we would be talking about Kyle all the time," Sarah said weakly.
Sarah turned to Beatrice and asked, "Do you remember that time when they were away for a week?"
Beatrice nodded.
"That's when it hit me and I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I found myself missing both of them so much that it made me wonder and think. It was natural that I missed Kay, but Kyle? Why did I miss Kyle? When I went for meals alone, I found myself being sad not just because Kay wasn't there but also Kyle. In the end ... without realising it, I was thinking of Kyle more often than Kay!"
"The realisation was as if someone had slapped me in the face," Sarah said.
"But it's horrible," Sarah wailed, "I don't want this. I don't want to know. Now I'm in a one-sided love. Seeing the guy you love being nice to you but not having any feelings for you. Yet, you can't blame him because that's just how he is. Kind, thoughtful and wonderful like his sister."
"There was this one time that I got my period early," Sarah said, her eyes misting over as she reminisced, "It was so embarrassing because I didn't know. I mean, I felt something weird but didn't think it was that. I was walking around school with a stain at the back of my skirt when I suddenly felt something at my waist. I was really shocked and stopped, to find Kyle had tied his jacket around my waist. He then whispered to me that I leaked. I could have died at that moment! But he was just so sweet about it and never brought up the matter at all, even saying that the jacket is for me - it's as if he knew I would be too shy to return it, knowing what it had covered."
"It's those little things he does that's just ... arrrgh. Sometimes I feel like distancing myself from them but it hurts too much to be apart."
"But ... but ... how sure are you that he doesn't feel the same way? I've never really seen him so caring to other girls," Beatrice said. Not to mention that Kay did reveal that Kyle didn't touch girls yet, he had obviously done so with Sarah? Didn't that mean she was special?
Beatrice thought better than to say it to Sarah, of course.
"Isn't it better to get it out of the way rather than having you suffer in silence? Just confess and move on," Beatrice insisted, thinking that Kyle most likely did have some feelings for Sarah. If Sarah did confess, wouldn't it clear the air?
Sarah hissed, "I can't! It's ... too risky!"
"Risky? In what way?"
"Look, right now, I enjoy being Kay's best friend and am closer to Kyle than most girls. If I confess and he feels the same, then great! But if he doesn't? What happens then? Do I leave? Do I break the friendship with Kay? I can't stay with them anymore now, can I?"
"Why not?"
Sarah looked at Beatrice in wonder. Did she really not know or was she simply making it difficult for her? Looking at Beatrice's pure eyes, Sarah decided that Beatrice really was asking sincerely.
"What would you say if I told you that Sam has feelings for you and wants to confess?"
Beatrice's eyes bulged wide open.
"Wh-A-aaT?!" Beatrice nearly shrieked, completely shocked at Sarah's question, "That's not possible!"
"Well? What if he did? Would you accept his confession?"
"Of course not! He's just a classmate," Beatrice replied firmly.
"Then how will you treat him after that? Knowing that he is in love with you. Can you treat him the same? Would you be able to talk to him normally? Would you be careful about how you treat him then?"
Beatrice stopped to think and felt that Sarah had a point.
"I guess I can see where you're coming from," Beatrice said, then asked, "So was that an example or are you saying ..?"
"Well, I DID say, 'what if', Beatrice." Sarah clarified.
"Just checking," Beatrice replied.
Beatrice felt relief and realised only at that point that her heart was in her throat. Did Sarah seriously need to give that sort of example? Nearly gave her a heart attack! Just thinking about it made her panic and all sorts of scenarios went by inside her head.
Would she feel uncomfortable? Would she panic? How would she reject him nicely? Beatrice really was relieved ... but a part of her did feel a bit sad. Just the thought that someone liked her - in that way - was really a boost to the ego. You feel wonder and is amazed. Of course, it wasn't because Sarah had said Sam. Beatrice would have felt the same way no matter what name was used.
"So what are you going to do then?" Beatrice asked, "Just be by his side and not do anything? Isn't it painful?"
"Yes," Sarah admitted, "Of course it is. It's worse whenever I see them being so close to each other. I can't help but feel so insanely jealous of it."
"So you don't like that Kyle is so close to Kay? That they are so open about their love for each other? I admit, it does take some getting used to. If no one knew that they were twins, one would actually see them like a couple," Beatrice surmised.
"No! It's not like that! I am jealous of their bond, but not in the way that you mean. I'm jealous that they can have such a bond. It's so pure and loving, you know? I'm also jealous of the fact that I'm not a part of that bond," Sarah explained, "It's like they are in this special bubble that no one can pierce through."
"Can you imagine being within that circle? That special bubble? It would be so wonderful." Sarah laughed at herself bitterly, "But it'll never happen."
"Why are you so sure?" Beatrice asked.
Sarah shrugged, biting her bottom lip, "I'm not. But I'm afraid to hope. I'm afraid that I'll start seeing his kind actions as something more. I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the reality. So I tell myself that it'll never happen."
"Right now ... like I said, I do know that I have a special position in their life," Sarah said, "I know that. He treats me differently than all the other girls that are around him. This is enough. I don't want to lose what little I have. So all I can do is just stay by their side and keep my feelings hidden."
"Maybe ..." Sarah whispered, "Maybe, one day ... he might start to feel the same way about me?"
Beatrice listened attentively, but couldn't say anything. What could SHE say? She had no idea!
"But what if he meets someone and falls in love with someone else? What will you do then?" Beatrice asked, making Sarah all depressed.
Sarah turned to Beatrice, taking her hands and saying with all seriousness, "If Kyle gets a girlfriend, then I can only wish him the best. As long as he is happy, I am content. I will be his best friend and I will bury my love deep down, never to surface again. I love Kyle too much to be in his way."
It was at that moment that Kay and Kyle exited the shop and Sarah was so scared that they had heard her, especially when she said that she was in love with Kyle! Luckily, they didn't seem to have heard and Sarah made it a point never to talk about this. Ever again. That was just too close!
She had to admit, though, it felt good to have that out of her chest. She felt calmer now. As she looked at Kyle's back, she couldn't help but sigh. How nice it would have been if she had not fallen for him.
Beatrice kept thinking about what Sarah had said and felt that it was really such a pity. To be so in love with someone yet not have it reciprocated. To stay by his side in pain was better than being apart. Was it?
Then she started getting worried. She remembered how Sarah had said she had been attracted to Kyle initially because he was so good looking. That she had been nervous each time they talked. Beatrice's heart started pumping harder in nervousness when she thought about how she was acting whenever Sam was around.
What if the feelings weren't just her being nervous about being next to a good looking guy? What if it developed into something more? Was it possible?
Beatrice shook her head and laughed at herself. What was she thinking? She was being stupid and over-thinking again. Samuel was Samuel, nothing more and nothing less. Her nervousness was just her being a socially inept person.
She steeled her heart and made a firm determination. The only way to stop this stupid nervous feeling around Sam was to be around Sam even more. The more she hung out with him, the more she would get used to him. Then, she wouldn't be affected by his handsomeness anymore. It would be good training!
Beatrice felt so much better after making that decision.