"So husband, where are you going to take your beautiful wife on our date today?"
I had to admit, that was certainly a good question.
What can possibly entertain a goddess who is two billion years old? Is this what they call a generation gap? In my younger days, it would be a p*kemon date or something where we play our g*meboys all day long.
What am I thinking, am I five years old? How can I possibly think of entertaining my wife on our first date with something like that? Don't worry, this is not some kind of sick and twisted foreshadowing. I'm not that stupid.
Now that I think about it, any quality date requires money. After losing my body, I naturally also lost my wallet along with it. I guess our first stop should actually be the bank to get a new card and withdraw some cash.
"Little wife, any date in this world will need money. The first stop on our date will definitely need to be the bank."
"Who cares about money? We can just sneak in anywhere or take anything we want, can't we? It's not like anyone can detect your wife when she does not want them to find her."
"Little wife, there's this scary thing called the law and police who will make people's lives miserable if you do such things. If you do things like that, other people are going to need to suffer for it. Your actions of taking what you want could put people out of business. People may also lose their job if things just inexplicably disappear for no reason. They may even be mistaken as the culprit themselves."
"Aren't mortals just a pain in the ass with all those make-believe laws? Well... I understand husband. Let's head to the bank. Lead the way."
"Aren't you going to teleport us there?"
"It wouldn't be a date if we didn't take our time to smell the roses on the side of the road, would it?"
"I guess so."
Maybe if we had teleported right now a lot of potential trouble could have been avoided. I'm sure the future me sincerely wished I was more insistent about it. If only I knew the fear of the butterfly effect. Even the tiniest decision made by her was the difference between night and day.
We walked at a leisurely pace for about an hour while I fully took advantage of this opportunity. I held onto her hand pulled her along the entire time like a true alpha while I kept the conversation rolling.
During this time, I truly admired how delicate and lovable my wife's hand was. Her hand was exceedingly soft to the point that I never wanted to let it go. I walked as slowly as possible while I showed her around where I grew up in great detail. I took advantage of her hand to the fullest extent.
From the local jungle gym where I was crowned the "jii god" in my childhood, to the school where I was renowned as the "god of posing" during a neighborhood play when I was still a snot-nosed brat. I bet she really thought it was a joke when I told her of the gallant titles I held back then.
We even passed by my university where I wasted five years of my time in my studies of electrical engineering. I was really perplexed when I saw my wife's doubtful expression when she continuously looked back suspiciously between me and the university like she thought it was a lie. It felt like it was somehow inconceivable to her how the two subjects in question had any relation to one another.
My wife... I'm not messing with you. I'm not an idiot you know! I studied hard back then, it's just that when I finished I was burnt out. I no longer wanted a job in my field after the hellish war of grades.
Also, rather than getting depressed from applying and never getting a single response from employers, I much rather find an easy job where I can slack off and do things at my own pace. It's not that I was too lazy to send in my resume and write out cover letters... I swear, it's not!
Okay, it really was. Who am I trying to fool? I'm just a lazy bum who finds breathing to be too tiring. Back then I decided to forget about working under such a high-pressure job as an electrical engineer that faced constant stressful deadlines. I also didn't like the weight and overwhelming responsibility that came with the job. A bit of carelessness on my part could result in the death of many.
Really though, as an undergrad, professors brainwashed us to always put the safety of the public as our number one priority. In reality, they just wanted no crazy lunatic quack inventors that only brought about mayhem to the public to be born.
Can you imagine what would happen if we causally made EMP generators and destroyed electronic equipment everywhere in our free time just for fun? It would certainly be hell on Earth with how technologically dependent our society became in recent years. Electrical engineers could be a much bigger problem in society than even the most renowned hackers. The damage done by a single rogue electrical engineer could even be catastrophic.
Do I regret learning electrical engineering though? Definitely not! It was super interesting, but the competition was rough. I was the type that never studied, but I still managed pretty good grades. I managed an A or A+, usually without much effort on my part while I occasionally went down to a B+. I just attended the lectures and figured out what the professor emphasized. That was typically what always showed up on the exams. I only focused on what was important and filtered out the unnecessary minor details.
Classes that required groups were definitely my biggest weakness though. My group members were always completely useless and never thought for themselves. None of them ever took the lead or did anything. I was just a follower type rather than a leader as well so I wasn't much better in that respect.
I much rather prefer to stay in the shadows and do things in the background. Standing out was a giant pain for me; from this, you could see I was completely unsuitable to work as part of a team.
It was truly another big failure on my part when I finally realized the importance of working in teams as an electrical engineer. For a team without a good leader, nothing good ever came out of them. Proper resource management was the key to success.
Sure, I could accomplish everything on my own without help from my group members, but the end result would be subpar or lacking. If I never took over their jobs and did it all for them, if my group members thought for themselves and did their parts themselves, I'm sure we would have had much better results.
When it came to public presentations, they were naturally completely useless as well. After I was forced to do all prototyping myself for our projects, my group members had no idea about how anything worked in the project. Just forget about them being able to figure out how to put together a presentation on it, they didn't know left from right the majority of the time. If they were asked a question on anything they were like deers frozen in place by a spotlight.
That was usually the point where I completely gave up and just half-assed everything. At that point, I couldn't care less if the graders gave us a zero or called the presentation or project complete and utter rubbish.
Hah. University really was one of the worst experiences of my life now that I thought about it. Especially the years that had group projects like that. If I censored out the group projects, university really wasn't so bad though.
My wife noticed my fluctuating emotions after we passed by my old university and said, "Husband, judging by your constantly changing expression, you don't seem to have fond memories of that university. Do you want me to destroy it for you?"
"Little wife, please don't joke around! Don't go casually destroying property carelessly like that! That would affect countless lives and dreams."
"Tch, don't do this, don't do that. You're worse than my mother at times."
I somehow felt like I'd flunked our first date. Maybe dates with a goddess like her were supposed to include the destruction of property. It had already been an hour, yet I never even realized I had failed horribly. Now was not the time for reminiscence over the past, it's time for a proper successful date.
Operation super fun first date my wife will never forget, start! I firmly proclaimed it as such within my heart. It was a grand declaration that surely changed the course of the world. A statement with such boldness that all men and women trembled internally across the globe. With an unwavering determination, I announced with renewed confidence, "Hello, I've lost my bank card."
Yes, we had arrived at our destination, National Bank, and the bank teller was...
"Like, one moment please."
"Okay?" After all that build-up, I shrunk back a bit when I was shown the palm of the teller's hand. Her nails were long and I immediately knew she was definitely a gal. I was never good when it came to these types of women.
"Yeah, and she was like, oh em gee when I told her I was sleeping with her boyfriend."
Yes... all that build up... and I was treated like air while the teller rudely chatted with her girlfriend on the phone. Damn it, put me through to your supervisor! I want a refund for all the effort I put into that declaration of my grand operation!
You may wonder where the effort was. Well, that name took me a whole five seconds to come up with! Give me back my five seconds of unwavering determination that shook men and women's hearts across the globe!
"Yeah, and you know what she said to me after that? Like totally, you will never guess."
"Excuse me?" I squinted my eyes in irritation.
"Like, shut up! Are you stupid? Why would she say 'excuse me?' You're like, such an idiot. Like, oh ma gad rayleh?"
Who talks like that?! Did you just roll your eyes at me? Did you?! Are you kidding me?! A vein on my forehead throbbed from the rage I barely suppressed.
"Oh, sorry girl, not you! Just some stupid loser who lost his bank card. I think he be tryin to hit on me or something. He's like gettin all up in ma face. Like totes, he's a busybody who doesn't know when to mind his own business. Totes thirstin after my bod cause he can't get any. But like really though, why would she say excuse me? He's such a tool. Like, come up with a better pick up line if you're interested in me, loser."
Do I look mentally challenged to you? You can say "really," completely normally to your girlfriend, but not me? Also, I'm thirsting after your body? Have you taken a good look at my wife yet? How do you even have a job here still?
Ohhohoh, if I don't get you fired, let the heavens smite your phone down now! I looked up eagerly in anticipation.
"You would never believe it, she was like, 'how big was he?'"
Crash!
Ah. The heavens really had eyes. You probably thought I was shocked by magical lightning out birthed out of thin air, but I was a mature man who had long seen the world. I'd seen the world beyond death and even drank wine with my little brother heavens up above. It was clear my little bro finally got off his lazy ass and got his act together. It was about time he did his job.
"Kyaa! Oh my god! My phone!"
"Ehem. Excuse me."
"What the hell do you want? Can't you see my phone just got struck by thunder?!"
"Uhmm... I think it was actually struck by lightning not thunder. Anyways, I've lost my bank card. I need a replacement." I acted like the entire situation was a completely normal occurrence.
"You think this is a joke?! Get lost you loser!"
Are you sure about that?
"If I don't get my bank card now, let the heavens smite your phone down again!"
Crash.
Holy crap… I didn't think this ability to smite things with a few words would be so convenient. I might get addicted to this.
"Y-y-yes, sir! Right away."
Oh? What's this? Are you scared now?
"No, bring me your superior."
"Yes, sir!"
Cower in fear, crappy customer service! Kneel before my feet!
After a few minutes, a smug handsome chad in a fancy suit came out. It looked like that girl calmed down as she swooned over the chad in the suit. She latched onto his arm with her hands and pressed her chest tightly against him while they flirted back and forth in their own little world.
They acted like I was air and kept me waiting for another five minutes. Eventually, Mr. Fancy Suit Chad finally came over arrogantly and said, "Sir, we will need some form of ID to issue a new card."
Ah. I forgot about that. Like hell I had that with me right now.
"What if I said I didn't have it on me?"
"The door's over there."
Are you fudging kidding me?! You arrogant middle-class wanker?! Did you train this girl? Actually, better yet, who are you really? A playboy or a supervisor?
I looked to the right and saw another teller. She looked at the man with some sort of hidden regret in her eyes. If it wasn't for the illusory money symbols I noticed in her eyes, I might have thought she actually had feelings for him.
Was there some kind of story here?
I was really curious about it, so much so that I really wanted to ask him about it.
I closed the distance between us and whispered in his ear, "Uhmm, excuse me, by any chance... is that teller on the right your girlfriend?"
He showed a slightly surprised face like he was shocked that I could tell. He nodded his head covertly while he discretely peeked in her direction.
"Then what is your relationship with this teller? Did you bone her?"
He was even more surprised when he heard this guess. Compared to my first guess he was clearly much more nervous.
Dude, I'm more surprised than you!
"Does the teller on the right know you're two-timing?"
When he heard my words, he trembled ever slightly and his eyes shrunk in anxiety. This guy was without any doubt in my mind a complete tool. He definitely didn't know a thing.
"Are you sure you don't want to issue that card?"
"Hahaha, what are you talking about sir? I was naturally just joking earlier. We're best buddies who've known each other from the womb after all. Why would I need ID from you?"
This fool thought he was a player the entire time, but in reality, he was just a sucker that had been used for his money. The teller on the right clearly didn't put out and just milked him for everything he was worth. That explained why she didn't know how big he was. The other teller who actually put out… just based upon how she talked, she was definitely also in it for the money.
When I realized this, I understood just how blessed I was. My precious little wife married a broke bloke like me with not a penny to his name, post mortem. I didn't even have my life, forget about any money.
"Husband, aren't you a bit mean? Shouldn't you maybe tell him?"
"It's fine, there are people like him everywhere. They get a little successful and they let it go to their head. It's a good life lesson for people like him."
"Here you go, sir."
When I finally collected my card from the money bag, I mean the fancy suited up chad, I was struck by a sudden realization. Hadn't I gone too easy on this guy? A wide grin floated to my face. This fat sheep suddenly looked like the most beautiful piggy bank in the world. Of course, he couldn't compare in beauty to my wife, but still.
"Hey, my good man, I just realized I am a bit short on cash at the moment. I really need to make a withdrawal."
"Of course sir, how much were you looking to withdraw?"
"One hundred thousand." That was only about how much a month of rent in an apartment cost.
He quickly checked my balance and handed over ten bills with ten thousand written on them.
"Strange, are you sure this is one hundred thousand? I think it's missing ninety more bills."
"Sir?"
I looked at his girlfriend on the right before I looked back at him with a wide smile on my face.
It looks like he quickly caught on to what that cursory glance insinuated. His face paled as soon as he understood what the grin on my face implied.
He whispered in my ear with trembling eyes, "are you blackmailing me, my good buddy?"
"What are you talking about? It's just giving me how much money I requested to withdraw, that's all."
He raised his shaky hand and pointed at me with a stutter, "y-y-y-y-you're just a crook!"
"My good man, what are you talking about? I just wanted to withdraw some money. How dare you call me a crook? I really wonder what your girlfriend would think of you if she knew you were falsely accusing others like this. Aren't you just being petty now by trying to short change a good honest to the core man like I? Should I ask your girlfriend what she thinks of you shortchanging valuable VIP customers like me?"
I looked over to the teller on the right again, just when I opened my mouth he quickly clasped my hand and pitifully pleaded, "please don't, she is the love of my life. I know I let things get to my head and I was two-timing, but give me a break. I'll give you the money, so please just leave."
He shoved ninety bills into my hand and pushed me towards the exit. My wife followed behind while I was forcefully pushed from behind, but it was at that very moment that things took an interesting turn.
Five bulky men showed up at the entrance right when we were about to exit. Crap, was it security? Actually… it really didn't look like it. Those ski masks over their faces definitely suggested otherwise.
They all gave off an aura of intimidation. When I checked their cultivation I was immediately shocked. Three of them were 9th realm semi transcendents and two of them were 10th realm semi transcendents.
What the? These guys planned to rob a bank with this much force? Weren't cultivators supposed to be distanced and far removed from the mortal realm? Well, I guess cultivation wasn't necessarily going to fill your belly. The times were tough after all.
Men have to do what they have to do if they want to survive.
Right when that thought passed my mind everything kicked into action. The cultivators quickly rushed towards the crowd and forced everyone back into a corner. My wife and I played along as we were both slightly interested in the turn of events. We just sat on the sidelines and watched the show that unfeld.
"Security! Security! Where are you guys? Why are you so useless when you finally have a job to do?!"
Uhhh... I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I think they're dead or knocked out already.
"Everybody, this is a holdup!"
No shit? I would never have guessed with those ski masks on your faces.
"Get down on the ground or die! You people behind the counter fill up these bags now or I keel you!"
Was that supposed to be a terrorist joke? Were you trying to pin this robbery on a certain group?
"Aren't you people too cocky? You don't even have guns!"
Some bulkier macho men stood out from the crowd in defiance. Those were the voices of men with severely underdeveloped brain cells. Just think a little would you and you'd surely understand, right? The men in ski masks just pushed the entire crowd back into a corner effortlessly earlier and you really thought you were on the same level as them. If they came without guns wasn't it obvious they're damn confident in their brute strength alone?
Without warning an overwhelming downwards pressure slammed into their bodies and crushed them into the ground. They looked up weakly from the ground towards the group of masked men as a boundless sense of fear and dread filled their eyes. They firmly shut their traps and played possum when they finally understood they were far outclassed.
One guy was terrified to the point he pissed himself as a defense mechanism to ward them off with the scent. At least that's what I got from it when I looked him in the eye. I saw some strange sort of cockiness and certainty that he strongly believed they'd ignore him if he pissed his pants. Surprisingly enough... it worked. They acted like he was air and merrily conducted their robbery without a single care in the world.
Naturally, my wife and I were left unnoticed thanks to her abilities.
"Husband, shouldn't we interfere? Didn't you say it is bad to take whatever we want?"
"It's fine as long as we follow the rules. Does it matter to us what other people do? We're no heroes of justice. We're just a married couple about to go on a date during our honeymoon. Besides, I'm really curious to see who would win in a fight. The cops with guns or unarmed cultivators. I feel like cultivators would naturally win, right? Just like in all those novels where cultivators stop bullets with a single finger. Don't you want to see such an amazing scene?"
It was only after I spoke that I noticed a wounded blood-stained finger on one of the 10th realm semi transcendent cultivators. Strange, how was he injured like that? I glanced at my wife and noticed a mysterious smile on her face. No way, right? They're almighty cultivators unafraid of little mortal tools, aren't they?