Everything was orange by the time we stepped outside the clinic. The sun was sinking into the horizon slowly and slowly. It was calming.
My hand was clutched with Kyo's as we were ready to walk back to our home.
Before I could uproot my feet, I inhaled heavily, to let all the stress out.
That was I lie. I had to prepare myself so that I can tell majority of the junk that was my past.
By the time I opened my eyes, I realized Kyo was looking at me, concerned.
"Don't worry, doll. Everything is Ok."
It was hard to keep the smile on my face, so I didn't force myself. When all the emotions were washed away from my face, I said with a blank look, "I guess we have some talking to do when we get home."
Saying that, we started walking towards our home, hand in hand.
"About what?" she was curious.
"About my past, Kyo. When I met you. No, we will have to go even before that."
"Mad, don't forget. You don't have to do this. We don't have to force ourselves to have a baby. Why don't you let me conceive- "
"No! you are not to do that. I'm not trying to rob you of the joy, but with the job I have, I can get some benefits from being a mother. That will support us for a while. Most importantly, I want you with me all the time. I won't be there if you are pregnant, and that bothers me to no end. Therefore, I want to become pregnant and want you to give our baby the strongest foundation for its life."
I threw my head down. I didn't want to face anybody.
Kyo was dumbstruck with my statement. I don't think she realized how deep I had thought about it.
How could I not?
Soon after our marriage, Kyo expressed her desire to have a family with me. I worked hard for almost a year and a half to get noticed by the higher ups. I made connections, so that when the time comes, I can have uninterrupted peace with Kyo and our baby.
I succeeded in every aspect, except the most important one.
I couldn't conceive.
Not one.
Not the second time.
Not the third.
Not even the fourth.
I failed five times, or rather my body didn't.
My conscience did.
Had I already taken a dip in my darkest moment?
Was life only this long?
Kyo applied with a little pressure on my hand.
I came out from my slumber. The crowd which was muted, hustled and bustled again. Once again, she had to use her presence to snap me out of myself.
I looked up at her face, and she was on the border of crying.
"Aahh! No No No Kiyomi. No crying in the public. You know your wife is a stupid idiot right? Just calm down."
I really didn't want her to have any kind of stress because of me. So I started browsing my surroundings.
If only I could find a burger place. Or an Ice cream Parlor. Or a toy shop.
I was spinning my head like crazy, when I found all three in the same block. They were 200 Meters away to our left.
I grabbed Kyo's hand and rushed inside of the burger joint.
She was almost starting to sob a little. I needed to hurry.
Luckily there was nobody in the line, so we got to order first.
The cashier was startled when he saw two ladies rushing into the restaurant with such enthusiasm for some burgers.
"Welcome to M-"
"No time. I want a chicken burger with extra cheese, extra mayo. I want a jumbo coke with fries as well as onion rings." I repeated Kyo's usual order like a parrot.
The cashier was bewildered.
I shot him a look of confusion, followed by the face full of dusigust.
"Can you not see this lady is passionate about burgers?" I held Kyo's hand I was grabbing.
He saw a side of her face, and i guess he saw the wet eyes of hers.
"Ho-Hold on. I will prepare your order right now." The cashier ran into the kitchen.
I turned my attention back to my over caring wife.
"Kyo, babe. I have ordered your burger for you. Please smile."
"Mad, I love you. Please tell me what bothers you. Are we not a team?" Kyo uttered the words slowly between her sobs.
That hit my heart like a wrecking ball.
What am I even doing? I have the most innocent and lovely human right besides me, and I am going to keep her in dark? And for how long? Cmon Mad, are you so pathetic that you cant even tell your secrets to your own wife?
That will not be acceptable, myself. Muster up and stop fussing. You want to give Kyo a baby, you have to clean you conscience.
Kyo was standing besides me, crying softly. The cashier came back with a full tray.
"Eh Mam, you can eat first. Pay me later."
"No, Its fine. How much?"
The cashier reluctantly said, "One hundred and Twenty Four Rupees, Please."
I let go of Kyo's hand and shuffled my purse for a Five hundred rupees bill. After pocketing the change, I picked up the tray full of hot food.
I looked back at Kyo, who was trying to hold herself.
I made her cry again.
Damn it all. Damn it all to hell!
I turned my face and started walking in the restaurant, looking for a corner table.
I found one at the end of the shop and acquired the table. Kyo followed me to the table like a lost child. We sat on either side and I told Kyo to eat. She opposed at first, but her glitching said otherwise.
"Kyo, stuff you face, and while you do that, I will tell you what the doctor told me."
She gave me a soft nod and started stripping the burger from the napkin covering its luscious buns.
She relished the sight of a hot burger and took a big chunk of it from a single bite.
I had my hand under my chin, and looking at her while she enjoyed her burger was one of my favorite activity to do.
She continued to eat and drink with no care of the world. The tears had dried up, and the meal in front of her had her complete attention.
She always ate in a singular order.
A bite of burger, followed by two fries, a big gulp of soda, and a single piece of the onion ring.
I shifted my focus from her face to the sinking sun. but it wasn't long when Kyo said, "Maff, what were you goinf fu fell me?"
While she had her cheeks stuffed, she was trying to communicate. Lucky for me, this had happened more than once, so I understood what she was saying.
"The doctor said nothing is wrong physically. I am A-OK with everything. So the sex can continue."
Hhhnfff. Kyo made that noise.
I swear that was the breath of relief coming from her.
"But her also gave me a possible solution."
This caught Kyo's attention. She put the burger she had been eating and ate whatever was left in her mouth.
After wiping her mouth and surrounding, she asked, "And what is it that you can do?"
Just come out and say it!!!
"Kyo, I made a lot of mistakes in the past. Not everything has escaped my mind. I still have some of my memories. Apparently, I did something very wrong with five individuals in my past. Doctor told me to do some spiritual repenting."
Kyo listened to this very carefully. Then replied in a jovial tone.
"That's awesome Mad. You getting your memories back. That is so sweet. Why are you worried over saying five sorries to people of the past? Get over it so that we can continue our fun life together. First thing tomorrow, you give these people a call and ask for an apology."
"Kyo, I know of their names, and potential places where they could be. I need to face them while I ask for forgiveness."
This mellowed the whole mood of the conversation.
Kyo still replied with her ever loving enthusiasm. "Well, then go and face them. I will go with you to boost your courage." Saying that, she gave me a thumbs up.
"No, you stay, I have to meet them alone. Besides, not everyone is in India."
"Well, where are they?"
"Three of them live in Nepal. One lives in United States. The last one has no specific home, as she is mostly on the road."
"A she? The last person you mention is a SHE? Who is that?"
I let out a breather. "You know her name already. Priscilla Applewood. P.A."
"W-W-Wa-Wait! P.A.? As it THE P.A.? the world famous rapper P.A.? "
"Yes Kyo, THAT P.A.. I will probably meet her when her tour heads towards India."
"You do what you want. I will be going with you and enjoying P.A.'s concert. YayYYY! Mad you wild beast, you never told me you were friends with P.A."
"Simply because I had no memory, you bimbo."
The excitement was running rampant in Kyo's mind. "So, when do it get to meet her?"
"If you really insist, probably around next year."
Kyo was all smiles and went back to chomping on her burger.
I was relieved because she didn't ask a lot of questions. I was also all smiles, when Kyo did ask an important question.
"So, who are the rest of them?"
This time, she was not smiling. She had no food in her mouth. Her speech was clean like a whistle.
I reached out for her soda, but she grabbed it and demanded an answer before I could have some.
I gulped.
Shit! I should have waited till we reached home. Why did I open my mouth right now?
"Uh---Th-The rest of them, uh--" I stuttered.
"Mad, you had one fragment of your memory back, but not the one which related so close to the previous one? Please, spill it out. I want to know." These words had warmth in them. So what was up with the previous statement. Why did that feel cold?
"Huh, do you want me to shout out the names, without any context?"
"That would be enough for me right now."
"Okay, then. Here I go.
There is Amaan Al-Habib, the Advanced Mathematics Professor appointed as the professor in Nepal.
Then there is Blessings Whitman, my former boss's secretary when I was working in while I was employed in Nepal.
My childhood friend Ronda Shaft. Despite her aggressive name, she is the meekest creature I had ever met. I met her when I was in middle school. We went to the same highschool too.
Lastly, there is Gian Expy-House, my father's step sister. She found me seven years after my escape from Bangladesh."
It was dark, when we stepped out of the restaurant. Kyo listened to the people I listed and insisted I talk more about it, but I shut her off with a stern eye.
We held hands while we continued to walk towards our home.
"Hey, Kyo. Do you feel any different regarding me?"
"Hm, I think I do."
"........"
My mind went full blank.
Did I screw my perfect life up too?
"I guess I am more in love with you now." Kyo said in the faintest of the voices. But loud enough for me to hear it.
"Huh?"
"I always loved the girl I rescued from that village that night. I have loved you from that day. But I also wanted to love you for what you were. And now, I am getting the opportunity. So why would I not be happy."
"........."
I was completely silent. I wanted her to talk more. I wanted to see her lips move.
Please, say something. Anything. Anything that proves you will not leave me alone.
Kyo continued, "So Yeah, I am done giving the Present Madonna and Future Madonna all the love. Now, I want to love the Past Madonna."
My eyes got wet. I lost my power in my knees. I wanted to grab Kyo in my arms and never wanted to let her leave. I wanted to know how much I enjoyed her existence.
I gave her a tight hug in the middle of the crowd, in hopes of absorbing all her heat into my body.
Maybe, if I absorb all this body heat, it may burn my past away.
"Arigato, Kiyomi, Arigato." I said as I wailed in the middle of the city.
Kyo just pushed my face into her chest and started consoling me. She took out her handkerchief and wiped my tears and nose away.
"Oh, you cute mess, I will make your favourite meal tonight." Kyo said in a jolly manner.
"Rice with curry?" I asked
"Rice with Curry!" She said, smilingly.