Half the militia stood on the pier watching helplessly as a bright yellow Yawl sailed away. John waved to the crowd and blew kisses at the ladies.
"Farewell citizens of Asstown! Send my love to Fergus!" John called out. "Tell him thanks for the boat!"
A young man sporting leopard print silk pants pushed his way through the crowd. Seeing the two people on the boat sailing away, he ground his teeth in anger.
"Ah! Fergus my old pal! So nice of you to see us off." John called out. "I'm afraid this vessel doesn't meet the requirements listed in county's boating regulations. Therefore I'll be confiscating it. If have any complaints, please direct that to our customer service department."
"Get back here you thief!" Fergus yelled until he felt faint.
"Ah, no thanks I think I'll pass on that." John dismissed the suggestion casually, "I running late for my dentist's appointment, and I don't want to reschedule it again. Bye now"
Just as Fergus dropped to his knees, questioning his lifestyle choices, a strange voice called out to him. "Fergus... coo"
Looking up, he noticed too late that a whiting glob was dropping from the heavens in his direction.
"Splat!" It was a bullseye.
The vibrantly colored pigeon coo-ed out in celebration of success. Swooping down for one final taunt, it left while calling out smugly.
"Coo, you mad?"
The town hadn't seen such a good show in years. Even the old farts, who normally grumbled and complained about youth and the way things used to be, couldn't help but break into laughter.
Needless to say, Fergus's current and future social life took a major hit. The cute girls, who used to 'coincidentally' run into him when looking their best, all picked out new targets. The 'cool' guys, who swaggered through town in fancy pants, unanimously decided that a red color similar to coral was definitely 'in'.
The only other person just as miserable was Joe, but he took out his frustration later by sneaking random nasty things into Fergus's food.
...
Sailing lazily down the river, John was instructing Fred in the art of being badass.
"No no, you've got the pose wrong again. You've got to look cool while remaining low key. Watch me again."
"I see!" Fred nodded excitedly. "And you're saying the chicks dig a muscular badass?"
"Fred, my buddy, my old pal, you have no idea." John nodded and did another pose. "Try this pose, remember to make those muscles pop!"
"Like this?"
"Close enough! This pose can be used to intimidate wusses like that Fergus."
"Got it!" Fred nodded seriously. Captain John was such a good guy, teaching him all this stuff.
"Now remember, what is the number one quality needed when showing off?" John asked a question suddenly, stroking his chin while gazing intently into the distance.
"Strength!" Fred volunteered, "people treated me better after I got strong!"
"Coo, beauty!"
"Or... uh, confidence?" Fred suggested another answer. The captain's confidence had inspired Fred to dream bigger, and he thought confidence is good thing to have.
"Coo, fame!"
"Clap clap clap," John nodded and congratulated them. "I've taught you both well. However," he paused for dramatic effect, "the key to showing off successfully is knowing when to run away!"
"Coo, coward!"
"Shut up Crackers!" John tried to splash the bird. "As I was saying, the only way to show off some more is if you manage to escape. Then you can come back again, reaping double the prestige!"
...
The pointless conversation continued on as John practiced acting like a captain.
...
When the Yellow Yawl rounded the last bend before the fishing village, John ended the conversation abruptly.
"What's happening?! How could this be?!" John was freaking out.
Smoke rose the fire that burned along the wooden palisade. Ugly looking men with axes were running through the village chopping down doors and running out with anything that looked valuable.
Screaming interrupted John's thoughts, and he saw a few of the old fishermen getting cut down as the fled. Everyone was rushing to their fishing boats and canoes, desperate to escape the pillaging bandits.
John's yellow boat arrived at the village, but he didn't get close to the piers. It was too dangerous. Fred was anxiously looking around for a weapon, but couldn't find any.
Suddenly, John saw a small trimaran being pushed into the water, it's owner jumped in and started paddling furiously. It hadn't gotten far before one of the raiders noticed the odd boat.
"That guys getting away!" The bandit yelled and threw his axe.
Alfy freaked out as a giant axe flew past his head and lopped off his little boat's mast. Paddling harder, he noticed a larger yellow boat not far away. Hope filled his heart as he saw his buddy John waving to him to come faster.
Suddenly another axe hit his little boat, breaking one of the outriggers and cracking the main hull. Water started flowing in but Alfy paddled with all his might. Snot and tears ran down his face as the poor little guy gave 110%.
"Crackers! I need a safety ring!" John yelled at his system interface.
"Coo a what?"
"A life ring! A lifesaver! A life donut! Um... a ring buoy!"
"Coo here you go!" Crackers flew over before whipping out the object requested.
Fred stood there in a daze, unsure how a pigeon, could pull something larger than itself so easily out of thin air.
"Fred, give me that rope!" Johns order woke him up and he went into autopilot. Grabbing the rope he tossed it to John.
Tying the rope to the life ring, John gave the other end to Fred. "When I tell you, pull it back in."
With a running jump John leaped over the edge of his boat wearing the ring. He only had time to make one cool pose before splashing into the deep waters of the river.
Alfy was panicking, his little boat was sinking, more bandits had joined in throwing stuff at him. Stones, pieces of wood, old Roberts nasty fermented fish, all of it came splashing close to him.
Someone hit the other outrigger with a fish causing the bandits cheer. It was like a game, 10 points for the outrigger, 20 for the main hull, and 50 for hitting Alfy. The lucky bandit was bragging after that hit, but was pushed aside by a large arm.
"Crack!" Splinters flew as the little outrigger got destroyed by a rock as big as Alfy's head.
"Hooo! Me hit tiny boat thingy! Ho!" The largest bandit was doing a dumb little dance celebrating his success before posing in front of the others. The bandit who had been posturing previously left disappointed.
"Plop!" Alfy's boat needed the outriggers for stability, without them it capsized immediately.
"Help!"
Alfy held onto his paddle and yelled for help.
"Whoop! Haha!" Another round of cheers congratulated the big brute on successfully sinking the boat.
Right then, some leaped into the air majestically, before splashing into the water with a girly scream.
John soon recovered and began paddling over to Alfy. Grabbing him, John gave the signal to Crackers who promptly shat on Fred's shoulder.
"Splat!"
"Stupid bird!" John yelled, "pull us in!"
Fred took the hint and put his muscles to good use. Soon John and Alfy were eagerly onboard.
Fred, being eager to please, thought it would be the perfect time to use what he had learned. Standing upright, with arms on his hips, Fred put his nose in the air and proudly declared:
"Behold!"
There was an awkward silence as John and Alfy ignored the doofus and beheld the state of their homes. Flames devouring the old shack where John had camped. The crying fishermen and women who having barely survived, paddled silently upstream towards the nearest town.
"Splat!" Crackers dropped another turd on Fred's shoulder.
...
The yellow boat with its odd crew sailed on downriver as Alfy explained what had happened.
As it turned out, scrapper Harry, the grumpy guy who John had robbed, wasn't your average villager. He had connections to a barbarian bandit group. It was him who opened the gate for them when they attacked, preventing the villagers from having the time to collect their valuables before making their escape.
"That grumpy bastard!" John slammed his fist down on the side of the boat. It hurt... a lot, but being the captain he had to maintain his image. "Aaarrrrgh! If I catch him, I'll whop his ass!"
After talking a little longer, John left sailing the boat to his two crew members. Changing into a new outfit, John put on a pair of comfy black pants, and white linen shirt with puffy sleeves. He wore his bandana like a neckerchief before purchasing a triangular black hat from the system.
"I look good!" John examined his reflection, "I just need a pistol, a sword, and a good belt or two."
"Coo would you like to unmute your notifications?" Crackers offered hopefully.
"No thanks, I just wanna relax."
"Denied, proceeding to unmute. Coo!"
"What the!?" John sat down helplessly. This could take a while.
Several notifications later...
"Coo congratulations host for acquiring a total amount of loot equal to 53 silver!"
"Wow! Awesome, this boat is gold!"
"Coo, negative 100 silver would be 1 gold."
"Fine, carry one then."
"Proceeding to upgrade to the next level. Coo!"
"You didn't even ask my permission!" John protested by waving his hands.
Crackers hopped off John's shoulder but froze mid flight. Crashing onto the deck in a mess of feathers. The dumb bird flopped around a little before it's body and wings grew a lot larger.
Spasming a little, Crackers's legs also grew longer and stronger. It's feet grew webbing between its claws before finally turning still.
"Crackers you good now?" John prodded the bird.
"Cooo onk"
"Onk?" John wasn't impressed. What was that sound supposed to be. He knew Crackers was a sorry excuse for a bird, but things seemed to be going downhill.
Leaning over the bird, John picked it up by its head.
"Cooooooo ooonk!" Crackers' body remained on the ground but its neck stretched out like rubber. Eventually it became around a foot long.
John panicked and dropped the bird. Crackers proceeded to flap around some more, not quite used to its long neck. Shaking its head from side to side, it's beak also grew longer. Finally the transformation was complete.
"Honk honk!" Crackers spread its wings triumphantly showing off its new body.
"A goose?" John said after witness the disturbing transformation. Crackers's feathers were still dyed the color of living coral. "Hey Crackers, you good now? Can we go on with what we were doing?"
"Honk! Congratulations host for upgrading to version 3.0. New functions unlocked:
-simplified crew salary management
-upgraded ship editing tool
-tavern -> upgraded to brewery
-storage chest size upgrade
In addition, honk! You receive:
-1x small chest of copper coins
-20x tasty Goose snacks
-1x lvl.3. Mystery chest
-2x crew bandanas
-1x facial hair growth accelerant
-1x flag design kit
Thank you for plundering! Honk"
"Wow neato! I can finally regrow some facial hair!" John excitedly spread the cream on his chin and over his lip. When he finally finished the small tube of cream, he checked out the other stuff.
"Brewery? What was the function of the tavern? How did I forget to use it?"
"Honk! Tavern provides 1 type of cheap beer in exchange for copper loot points. Brewery allows host to designate the desired beverage, before it supplies a keg of it in exchange for silver." Crackers waddled back and forth on deck while explaining carefully.
...
Alfy and Fred hit it off pretty quick and started sharing stories of their childhood. They ignored the weird sounds coming from Crackers, that bird was the weirdest creature they had ever seen.
When John came over followed by a red goose, the two looked at each other and shrugged.
John brought out a small keg of wheat beer, and poured the two some drinks. Holding mug up he struck a pose before beginning his speech.
"Alfy and Fred, my two first friends. Crackers, you dumb goose. In celebration of a new life, new dreams, and a new ship... a screw it, bottoms up! Last one standing has to mind the ship!"