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Evolution: The First Little Helper

🇺🇸Scynthea
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Synopsis
Amoeba is suddenly annoyed by a voice inside her head, it claims to be God. What's a God?! Can she eat it?!? And more importantly, why is she now being forced to work for the rest of her exsistance! Come along with Amoeba as she collects Evo Points and Karma and transforms into various forms of life throughout earths history. Making friends with dinosaurs, becoming rivals with giant prehistoric scorpians, and accidentally causing some of earths worst natural disasters in history, along with becoming Jesus Christ's senior at work! Watch as Amoeba unknowingly causes the fall of various human civilizations, becomes more of a glutton, and tries to avoid Scopio and Jesus at the work office in "Heaven". ___________________________________________ WARNINGS AND DISCLAIMERS! This webnovel will poke fun at major historical events and figures, even the highly revered pope, and son of god, will not be spared by this author. This novel doesn't necessarily align with the authors religous and life view on morality, but is more just a cluster- f of random funny stuff to get you thinking and make fun of stuff that is usually taken to seriously in society. If your highly religious, easily butthurt, often become triggered by internet memes and baaaaaddd jokes, then this story is not for you! The author is not trying to discredit historians or religious sects or beliefs by making this story. THIS IS SIMPLY FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES! Also the main character when in animal form will occasionally eat people, but remember the main character is not actually human. No cannibalism here okay? If a tiger eats a person, it's a tiger eating a person, okay guys? Sexual scenes may appear in this webnovel but I will warn the reader beforehand. Okay I think this covers all my bases? Enjoy the story. UwU
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Chapter 1 - This Amoeba Is Not Normal...

Float Float Swoosh.

'Ah the easy life of an Amoeba.'

Hello there, I am an Amoeba, or I should say, THE AMOEBA.

The first of their kind. Fufufu~

Why am I sentient you ask? Why shouldn't I be?

'Those useless blobs of flesh are no better than me I tell you!'

'The water feels very nice today, as always~'

Amoeba drifted in the calm sea's currents.

'Ahhh this is the life~'

'I'm feeling abit hungry now, pseudopodia do your thing!'

Amoeba uses her pseudopodia to propel herself forward through the prehistoric waters of earth.

'Drat nothing to suck in so far, ughh.. why can't my food always come to me when I'm hungry?'

Hmmm.....

'Why do I suddenly feel like I'm being watched?'

Amoeba didnt like this feeling, if she was just any old cell perhaps she wouldn't be so concious of such a oppressive pressure that was trying to covertly observe her, but she wasn't just any lil old Amoeba.

SHE. IS. THE. AMOEBA!

Using her feelers, Amoeba feels around herself.

'Just water...maybe I'm going crazy?'

Amoeba is just about to brush the whole "weird" feeling aside, when suddenly a weird voice pops into her head.

"Hmmmm. I'm totally going to get an A+ for finding such a specimen!"

Amoeba: !!!!!!!!!

'What is this noise! It's like there's a second me inside my own mind!'

Amoeba abruptly stops using her feelers to move along with the oceans currents, and looks around herself.

Nothing...

Just more boring water and small fry microbes not worth her attention.

Is she going crazy?

The voice once again speaks in her mind.

"Wow it's so concious! A one in Quintillion chance of finding a lower life form with such a conciousness according to my classroom notes!

Your definitely gonna get me a great grade in class!"

This voice again!

Amoeba is tired of this voice, she begins berating, practically screaming at, the voice inside her head.

'You there! Well whenever you are, I'm the only voice allowed in here, get your stinky self out of here! I am Amoeba. THE MIGHTY AMOEBA! Ruler of the oceans, master of the mind, THIS MIND! So butt out!'

Amoeba is beginning to seethe with hatred towards this newcomer pest now making a ruckus inside her head.

She feels almost...violated.

Hmmmmphh!

The other voice shuts up for a while before Amoeba's surroundings go to shit.

Like, she suddenly disappears from her comfy ocean current full of yummy food and appears in some boring old white space.

And what is in this white space to make it so boring you ask? Well of course its the owner of the annoying intruder of her mind.

A strange creature with gargantuan physical mass appears before her sight.

Weird whisps of whitish energy surround them.

They stand on two very long feelers , have a long torso, with two other very long feelers attached at each side on top of said torso, and a strange apparatus protruding from the top of their obvious main bodies mass.

'Is that how it reproduces?'

Amoeba is conflicted on whether or not she should make fun of this creature or be afraid of it.

Nah, she knows what to do

'Hey big fella, why do you look so ugly? Your symmetry is all wrong, and what is with your lack of feelers? Were you born defective? Did your origin cell mess you up?'

Amoeba began to roast the large creature in front of her in her mind.

"Little one, how would you like to help out your big brother?" The pesky voice spoke to her once again.😙

Amoeba:

...

...

...

🙄

This creature, how is she supposed to know what a fucking "brother" is?

As if sensing her thought process, the voice then tries to clarify further, while still remaining as vague as before. So talented...

"Little one, do you know what you are?"

Before Amoeba can reply sarcastically in her mind, the voice interrupts her once again making her peeved.

"You are a simple aquatic Amoeba. Normally a creature such as your self, would have no concious, but sometimes beings such as yourself will either develop, or be born with a concious. This is a almost unheard of phenomenon known as Consciousness Creation.

There is only a .000000000000000000000000 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 chance that this will happen."

Amoeba: ...

'Can I eat him? I wonder...'

The voice: ...

Amoeba: ....

After making a bizarre sound, the voice continues to sully Amoebas delicate mind.

"Infact, you shouldn't even refer to yourself as a she, since your not really of the female sex.

But that's a explanation for much later...

Anyway your probably wondering who I am...by now. Would you like me to introduce myself?"

Amoeba doesn't really want to humor this creature, so she just stays silent and continues to think they look extremely ugly.

The voice: ...

" I am this planets assigned god, or you could say guardian. In other words, I'm like your parent..." The voice said beginning to trail off as he went into deep thought on how to explain the grandness of this concept.

'What do you want with me defect?'

Amoeba decided playing nice with a lunatic wasn't going to get her any yum yum points. The creature looked to big for her to eat... so she might as well piss it off so it will leave her alone faster.

"Ugh, my professor was right, recruiting helpers it difficult. You there, your going to become my first little helper..." The weirdo's voice commanded her, and a uneasy feeling soon descended upon our poor main character Amoeba...