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Chapter 10 - The First Tsaritsa Pt. 7

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Vivian spent days caring for the girl and while caring for the child, never realized the fall in her own constitution. She wasn't eating nor did she think she had anything to complain about in terms of the situation. The child slowly got better under the care of the exile but also to the detriment of the elder.

A little over a week went by and she was awake enough to walk, sit up and move about the room. Vivian had tried asking her about her home. Where did she come from? Does she remember anything? But the child couldn't. She needed a name to go by, even if it was temporary, so Vivian named her Seraphina, after the beautiful golden fire that enveloped her hair.

She became more lively in the later days when food supplies became almost unbearably low and there were some nights she asked if there was a little bit more, even when Vivian had gone without eating herself. That meant it was time, Seraphina needed to go to the village to find her real home and her real family. Vivian wasn't her family, they were neither related or knew anything about each other but this happy child looked to her with so much love and trust. The last that she would ever know.

"Seraphina." Vivian called her attention while sitting in front of the bed. "Tomorrow we're going to do something new that I haven't told you much about yet." "Is it a surprise?" she asked excitedly, swinging her legs with a glowing smile that can only be rivaled by her radiant shine. "It'll be something of the sorts" Vivian tried to smile back.

Inside, her heart was breaking, she was frankly scared for herself. It wasn't an immediate change but she had noticed herself that moving buckets with water or moving some of the pots became heavier and heavier to carry despite the plants growing at too slow of a rate to warrant the strain. She couldn't break little Seraphina's heart the same way hers was breaking, she wouldn't be able to bear it.

"I'll show you something absolutely wonderful in the morning, it's beautiful and if everything works out, you'll be happy beyond the rest of your years." She spoke softly, holding the small hands in hers. Sera only giggled and leaned in so their noses just barely poked the other's, whispering with an overwhelming glee "I can't wait." 

Vivian nodded and gave the child's hands as tight of a squeeze to her weakened strength. "Well it's time for you to go to bed now or the morning won't come any faster." With that Seraphina quickly tucked herself into bed and snuggled in, squeezing her eyes shut. It wasn't long after that her breathing smoothed and little soft sounds of deep sleep came from the small bundle of blankets.

Watching her sleep, old feelings of guilt and shame bubbled up in Vivian's heart before a forceful eruption where they can no longer be repressed. One sob after another chokes out of her throat painstakingly slow before tears stream down her cheeks. From the hunger and the tears, it was nigh impossible for her to find the strength to pick herself up and exit the room to try and not disturb the girl's sleep. A small piece of blanket that lay at the edge of the bed muffled the now twice broken heart. She didn't feel as though she deserved to be looked at with so much love and admiration from anyone, now when she couldn't do more for this child regardless how much she wanted.

Tomorrow Seraphina will find a new home till she can return back to where she belongs, which means it'll be a big day for her. Vivian knew she needed all the energy she could muster to keep up with the child. Before she realized it, she had drifted off into a deep, unforgettable sleep with little resistance.

-

Vivian woke up from the ground where she sat, her head on the bed at where she had drifted off. The same bed where Seraphina had fallen asleep in first, now lay lifeless and empty with the sheets tucked in. 

Quickly standing up Vivian looked around the room immediately for the girl but found her nowhere. While the chill wasn't so harsh, the sky was still devoid of any sunlight, illuminated purely by the stars, the fire now large making the room decently warm and all the plants put up on shelves. She didn't care much about the details of the room but if only she had, then her worries would be put more at ease. Just out of Vivian's attention that she failed to notice, the room was bigger, so was the fireplace. Instead of the gravel pit and centered airway were large stone cemented walls that surrounded logs that never lost the freshness of their wood or bark. Proper clay and ceramic pots held more variety of roots, herbs, vegetables, and saplings that Vivian had never collected, now bursting with life. The room was less of the small shed the two girls had been living in and now looked closer to that of a proper home, big enough for the both of them without being cramped or feeling confined. 

Not being able to find Seraphina anywhere, Vivian grabbed her coat off the bed, dually used as an extra blanket and draped it across her shoulders to tread into the night. If she had wandered into the night, it shouldn't be too hard to find her glowing gold hair illuminating against the dark, reflecting off the snow for some distance. If it was still night Vivian was certain she hadn't slept for too long. It's possible she could have found the village on her own but there were more dangers in the night than possibly running into an early hunting patrol.

Grabbing the door handle though, she hesitated. There was a presence on the other side she had never known, yet it felt familiar at the same time from a long time ago. Out of all times it was strange to feel and open the door to find her mother.

Through the open doorway Vivian looked back towards the late Mrs. Praskvia Survost, wrapped in a gentle sewn shawl that she had always been known to wear. It was the shawl that was passed down over time to all the women in their family to wear on special occasions. Praskovia believed that every day was a special occasion, that each and every day was a blessing to be alive and to enjoy living their life together as both family and community.

It's been quite some time since Vivian had seen it. Just another one of the many sentimental items that were left behind and given for another family to start new.

Praskvia gave her daughter a gentle smile, gentle and graceful like it has always been when she was alive. Such a small gesture wiped away all thoughts of Seraphina from Vivian's mind as her emotions began to fill up more than her heart could hold. More thoughts than she could grasp, all questions that screamed for answers but her jaw remained firmly clenched tight. "May I come in?" her mother asked while taking a step closer to enter the small home.

Vivian let her in, never looking away from the woman who entered with such gentleness, as everything was made of a delicate thin ice, at any time ready to break. She looked around the room with an undeniable worry and nervousness. "Do you like the room?" Praskvia gestured around her weakly before sitting on the bed. "Why would I ever love the walls that remind me of each passing day that goes by, knowing they will be the last thing I ever see?" she snapped back, yelling at her mother for the first time.

The pain stung both her heart and her tired eyes as she faced her. "If this is life that you're here to tell me I'm supposed to love every day of, well I can't. Not now. Not when you've left me alone for so long. If you truly were my mother then you would have come back sooner. And you would have helped me make everything ok…"

The woman on the bed hung her head in shame and embarrassment. Pinching and rolling the fabric of her dress on her lap ashamed of her optimism, wishful thinking and expectations. While she knows better and is expected better of her; her own heart bled for the young girl who suffered so much before her, because of herself. Biting her lip and pushing through her own guilt, she took a deep breath and looked Vivian in the eye. She deserved that much after all that's happened. "You are right. And… I am sorry for everything you've gone through and still give… I'm not the mother you see but I am still your mother as well." She paused for when Vivian was ready but the younger turned away from her with a start.

"Seraphina. I have to find her. She's more important than any of this that could be said right now, I-" "I know." The woman on the bed interrupted while catching Vivian before she ran out into the cold. Vivian was incapable of pulling away from her as she was turned back around to look at whom she began to see clearly. The more Vivian looked the more she could see that this woman, the embodiment of the pure gold of magic, the body, soul, life and love, was not the mother she mistaken her for. "Seraphina is ok. She is safe and warm and healthy all thanks to you. So please, relax. She's still asleep right now and so are you."

"Birth mother or spirit mother, either way doesn't matter. Why now?" she asked no longer to hold her head up high. "Because I couldn't bear to give life to one child with the sacrifice of another… You already lost so much yet still found a way to continue to give everything." The divine spirit sympathized but Vivian couldn't stand it. "This is all because of you!" she shouted, shoving her away. Her composure further shattered as her breath quickened, slipping into hyperventilation. "I would have a home and a family, surrounded by the people I loved if you hadn't forsaken me…" Selene wrapped her arms around Vivian, who grew weak, weeping over the pain she had caused the very person who had mended her own broken heart. 

They both had been hurt and there was no need for either of them to make any kind of excuse for their circumstances. Selene held Vivian, giving her warmth and comfort, safety in her arms while she cried. There was no forgiveness that could be asked for, the past can't be changed and the damage cannot be undone. 

"You have my everything Vivian." Selene whispered, "I will give you my everything, just as you have given your everything to all those you love and never stopped loving… I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner... I love you too."

-

Seraphina sat on her hands and knees in the snow while Vivian showed her how to set up the tricks she used to catch rabbits and squirrels in the forest. While the trap was rather nonsensical and the forest wasn't really a forest, they were just as Seraphina had imagined them to be.

This was a lovely dream for her. It was one of the many ideas that swirled through her mind at all the possibilities of what tomorrow's surprise might be that she was too excited to rest for, even in sleep. The sound of footsteps interrupted her dream though, taking her attention away from the trap and to the slowly approaching woman. She was also beautiful, just like Vivian but they didn't look alike at all, the woman looked like herself in some way, but older.

"Do you recognise me?" The woman stopped and asked, in a fragile surprise. "Of course!" Seraphina said excitedly while standing up and hopping through snow that was just a little too deep for her to walk. Standing in front of the radiant form, the small girl said "You are me! But older… You are me but from the future!" She said this statement with such certainty that the older couldn't help but laugh, joyful of her creative and active imagination. "I suppose you can say that." she smiled while Seraphina pouted "Well you look just like me, you couldn't be anyone else." 

We indeed are just alike." Selene crouched down to the girl's height. "But I will need to ask a favor of you."

Seraphina looked at the older woman suspiciously, slightly reluctant as children often are when chores are involved. "Fiinnneeeee," she eventually whined.

"I will need your help taking care of Vivian," Selene said with a smile.

"Of course!" the child stamped impatiently. "I do help Vivi when she lets me."

The deity petted the child's hair, calming the flames of her tiny passionate heart. "Vivian will need help in ways she won't say. So if you notice anything, help her where you can. I'm not asking you to take on any kind of responsibility, but she needs you—just as much as you need her."

Seraphina nodded attentively now, sensing the importance of what was being said about her big sister.

"That's a good girl," Selene finished, patting her head.

Just as she was about to leave, little Seraphina asked, "What will my future be like?"

Selene's form was already fading as she turned back and smiled. "It will be full of love."

In the morning, both of the girls woke from their sleep, feeling more rested and at peace within their own heart than they had been before.

The room was indeed much different from how they fell asleep, not that the room changed but the small plants that grew had come to life, the stock pile of wood, blankets and all they needed were full.

Vivian was in shock at the very real changes while Seraphina was elated at the new life that had only just begun.