Chapter 7 - Joker's Favour

- has escaped today. He's armed and considered extremely dangerous. If seen oh, swell. Some nut makes trouble, and for that, they preempt the ballgame. Perfect ending to an awful day. Boss turns me down for a raise. Our kid needs braces. And Bonnie's making meat loaf for dinner. At what point exactly did I become life's punching bag? What's their hurry? Go on, push me aside, big shot. No reason anyone should move over and make way for Charlie Collins. Hey! Oh, that's it. No signal, no nothing. Just treat me like I don't exist. Sorry, comrade. Not this time. Hey, buddy. Yeah, I'm talking to you, clown. You think you own the whole road? Why, for 2 cents, I'd That was the Joker. I cussed out the Joker. Where'd all the cops go? Go, go, go. Come on, come on. There's your 2 cents. Now what are you going to do to me? Listen, I'm sorry, really. I had a bad day. Boss turned down my raise and Now, look, my rude friend. We can't have people cursing at each other on the freeway. It's simply not polite. I'm just going to have to teach you some manners. Please don't. I have a family, a wife, a little boy. Please. I'll do anything to make it up. Anything. Anything, says you? Okey-dokey. Wallet. Oh, sure. I don't have much cash. Oh, please. Don't insult me. "Charles Michael Collins. " That's you. Lousy picture, though. Lousy. "Address, height, weight. " Blah, blah, blah. Righty-o, Chuckers. Here's the deal. I'll let you off if you promise to do a little favor for me. Okay. What? I don't know! I haven't thought of it yet. You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life and when I need you, I'll call. Fair? Good. Great! I'll be in touch. It's a waste of time, money and manpower. If I had the authority to block it, I would. Come on, commissioner. It's free eats, and you get your picture in the paper. It's a good deal. "Testimonial in honor of Police Commissioner James Gordon. Tuesday night, the Gotham Peregrinators Club. " Blasted waste of time. Most of the force would disagree with you. - Lf anyone should get a testimonial, it's you. - I'm just the night shift. You deal with this mess 24 hours a day. That's what those people want to honor. Okay, okay. What the heck. It's a fancy club, good food. Could be fun. You don't know where I can rent a tux, do you? I hate it when he does that. I arranged another early parole as soon as I heard about Gordon's testimonial. It is to laugh, huh, Mr. J? I ask you, Harley who's given more hours of amusement to the Gotham police force than me? No one, Mr. J. I deserve Nay. Demand the right to honor our dear commissioner as well. Hear, hear. - Gonna call in a specialist, boss? - No, no. Just an old friend who's dying to do me a favor. Good one, Kenny. Go out for a long bomb. I got it. - Hello. - Hello, Charlie. Wrong number, pal. My name's Don. Oh, no, no, no. This is the right number, Charles Michael Collins. Oh, I don't know why you changed your name to Don Wallace and moved your family to 12 Marigold Lane, Springdale, ohio. One might think you were trying to skip out on our little deal. Leave the sideburns. - How did you find me? - Oh, I never lost you, Chaz. You've become my hobby. Now listen up, Charlie Brown. You're booked on the next flight to Gotham. Tell the family you have to visit a sick friend. Oh, and let's keep this to ourselves, okay? Bad things happen to people who gossip. Capisce, Carlo? - Yeah. - Good. See you. Gotham Air flight 32 now arriving from Springdale. This is crazy. I can't believe I'm doing this. If only I had some way to, I don't know, call him. Hi. The car's this way, Charlie. Jumping Jiminy Christmas! Charlie Collins! It's been forever. How are you, man? You look great. Lost a little weight. Lost a little hair too. Oh, Charlie. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. So, ready to do me that little favor? Please. Don't make me hurt anyone. Not to worry, Chuckers. As soon as you've done my favor I'll send you right back home. I promise. Okay, Chaz. When Harley knocks on the door three times, you open it. - And? - That's it. Wait. That's the favor? You called me here just to open a door? Well, look at the size of that cake, man! She can't open the door and push it in all at once. Think! He's nuts. Not bad. Congratulations, Jim. I'm sorry I'm unable to stay for dinner. The life of a busy socialite. Any way I could sneak out with you? A room filled with cops and no way to warn them. If there were just some way to call Batman No way. It'd never work. Not in a million Well, maybe. - Not staying for dinner, sir? - Not with the Joker on the loose. Sir, I believe you may be needed inside. I'm honored that Gotham's finest turned out to rub elbows with this tired old beat cop. You eating that roll, Montoya? I'm really very touched. And I'll conclude by saying Don't stop now, Jimmy. The party's just starting! Baby doll. Entertainment. Hey, sugar. You want to read me my rights? You have the right to remain silent. Jerk. Here's to Gotham's Commissioner G You lock up the weirdoes The crooks and the geeks You're a hero To all the boys in blue But this time, baby The joke's on you Yes! Another stunning Joker entrance leaves the crowd speechless. Let's hear it for him, folks. Gee, tough audience. Commissioner l'm here to present you with a small token of affection from me and all the guys doing 25 to life. Wear it in good health, all remaining 59 seconds of it. Toodles. Wait. You promised to send me home. I never said alive. You dirty, evil Sayonara, sucker. Batman! The commissioner's medal, it's a bomb! Guess I'll need a new hobby now that old Charlie's: Macramé's nice. That came from outside! Rocko, Henshaw! I smell a bat! Quick! To the van! Mr. J. Okay. We'll tough it out here. He called you his hobby? Yeah. For two years, he watched me like a bug in a jar. Watched and laughed and threatened my family. I had no choice, Batman, really. The gas is wearing off. Stay with the cops. I know. You're thinking: "What a shame. A pure, innocent little thing like her led astray by bad companions. " Right. Tell me another. Beauty school's starting to look pretty good about now. Ingenious, the way they reconstructed this temple. Completely accurate, right down to the poison-tipped darts. The drop-away floor's a nice touch too. Catch! Hold it! Oh, come on. I said, hold it! You miserable little nobody! If I get caught, your wife and son are history! You're not getting caught, not this time. I found this blown out of the van. This is how it ends, Joker. No big schemes. No grand fight to the finish with the Dark Knight. Tomorrow, all the papers will say is that the great Joker was found blown to bits in an alley alongside a miserable little nobody. Kind of funny. Ironic, really. See, I can destroy a man's dreams too. And that's really the only dream you've got, isn't it? Look, Charlie. You've had a busy day. All this running around, all this excitement with Batman! - Stop. You're crazy. - I had a good teacher. Say good night, Gracie. No! Batman! Batman! How long have you been there? Long enough. Put it down, Charlie. You know he'll just escape again. This is the only way my family stays safe. All right. You win. Take it easy. Here's everything on his blasted family. Names, addresses, it's all there. You're no fun anymore, Charlie. Hey, Joker. Gotcha. Oh, very funny. A million laughs. Go home, Mr. Collins. Home. I never thought that could sound so good. Wonder what Bonnie's making for dinner. Right now, anything would taste great. Even meat loaf.