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February 7, 2004

Downtown Denver, Colorado

JACKSON TOWER stands on the affluent district of downtown Denver. On its 12th floor my unit affix on the west wing part. I owned the place year ago on my fifteenth birthday, a gift from my loving mother. The room is small but a perfect place for me as a young kid who's trying hard to be independent away from my parents. There is an open balcony outside and though it is winter season, it is a perfect place to gaze the city lights of Denver at night and the perfect image of the icy Rocky Mountains during day time.

I stand on the balcony and hold its railings. Carefully, bowing my head facing the ground I feel the winter cold breeze of Denver. I think of someone, Nina, the love of my life. It was her sixteenth birthday two days ago but I was not there on her side.

Instead, I was here in my unit preparing for a late celebration. I have been very busy the whole day patiently decorating the unit for some surprise today. I made extra effort with the help of my nanny to make my room more comfortable for the celebration. Both Nina and I together with our friends have plotted for a late celebration and I am in charged of everything.

I move back upwardly my head and notice that the day is timely capturing by darkness. I miss her. We haven't seen each other for some times. Times when I should have been there for her, and to should have make her happy on her birthday. But I'm still preparing and thinking when will be that best time to prove my real feelings for her to her parents.

Socially, I have everything—wealth, fame and appearance. But emotionally, I would still have to develop many things. Responsibility is one.

I pace inside the unit and delighted to see the efforts I have made. Perfect. Red roses—Nina's favorite flower—perfectly arranged in corners except the others more everywhere. This will not be a surprise anymore because she expects it already, but I am hoping for a simple appreciation. That would somehow strengthen my courage to do more responsibility for her, and maybe for some benefits of our relationship.

The fridge is pack with beers. I know this would make the celebration more exciting with our crazy friends. They are all city borned teenagers and they used to life of night parties and hung-ups, a life of modern American teen. For me it's not strange anymore although I am a transferee from Canada years ago. It was also my life there. First, I adjusted but later on I realized there was no difference at all.

Except someone. Nina. She is different. That even she has everything—most importantly loving parents and brothers—she did not embrace of being modern American woman. I realized this in our months of our relationship. She loves her family, religious and very compassionate to others. This made me respect her much. Respect, that strengthens my love for her although there is no clear picture yet of our future of being together, because we're still young. I love her today. That is the most important thing now and I am happy on it.

I check my watch, 6:30 p.m. They have promised all here at seven.  I'm anxious and excited to see her.

The first knock sounded. Without a doubt I open the door. It's Vincent and his girlfriend Emily. They both smile to me.

"Is she's here?" Emily immediately asks.

I shake my head and say, "Maybe she's on her way."

"Can we come in?"

"Of course, I'm sorry. Come in."

We all enter the unit and both of them are stun to what they see.

"Wow, this is amazing," Emily says. She moves her head from side to side to examine the surroundings and asks, "You did this?"

I grin, "Yeah. It's what I did within the whole two days. Just…, just for her."

"You're crazy, Cupid, you know."

"We'll," I pause. "I love her."

"Yeah, we knew that. You love my best friend a lot. That's why we choose you for her."

I change the topic and ask, "How's her birthday at home?"

"Boring! Pack of politicians, and lawmakers or maybe lawbreakers. And of course, those terror professors same with her father from the university."

"It was a night of socialite friends of her mother and father at all," Vincent says.

"I wish I would have been there."

"Next year, perhaps, if both of you have the backbone to broadcast your relationship to them."

"I promise. That thing will happen. I just hope."

Nina arrives five minutes later. We kiss in front of our smiling friends. I immediately show her a small wrapped box—a gift—after belatedly greeted her happy birthday. She is delighted with the gift and gives me another kiss. Then she inspects the unit. She rolls her eyes and the smile tenderly glows on her face. Without a word from her I know she's thankful to me. That satisfies me. Just the smile.

"Thank you," she says to me while we hold each hand. "These roses are beautiful."

Finally, that the word I've been waiting for.

"No effort at all. This is nothing compares to my irresponsibility to you."

Nina seriously says, "I should be the one to apologize for not inviting you in my birthday at our home."

"We have talked that already. Blame no one, alright. We're here to celebrate."

"I love you."

"Happy Birthday, Ms. Nina Swartz. I'm happy that I belong to you on this very important event of your life. I just hope this is forever."

"Of course, it's forever, Harold. No thorns can ever bleed my feelings for you. I'm happy to have you in my life."

James Cooper—one of our friends—abruptly stands from his chair and blares, "Oh, common! Do that some sweet loving thing when we're not here, alright. You still have many times to do that later. We're here to damn celebrate."

Most of us laugh and we all gather on the living room. We sing happy birthday song with Kevin Trent on the guitar, then the blowing of the cake. I bring out the cold beers and chips. Then we change the guitar to CD, with a loud RNB music as background. We sing with it loudly. Some dance dirty. Other guys falsely undress their shirts. We all laugh together after hearing corny jokes from anyone in the unit.

We're all eleven in the unit; most of us are love partners. All of us are classmates in common high school. Most of us guys are teammates in the high school's hockey team and the girls are girlfriends. I bind with them years ago after I transferred from Canada when the business of my father shifted here in Denver. They accepted me in their group which was formed earlier before I arrived. And one of the reason why I joined their group? This lady beside me.

We walk towards the balcony. Nina sniffs the cold breeze then exhales softly. She looks to the ground, to the city lights of Denver, then the unclear skies. Then she touches my face.

"What?" I ask.

"I'm happy. You're making me happier than my celebration last Tuesday. You're making me love you better."

"I kept my promise."

"What promise?"

"You're favorite rose. It's everywhere."

She smiles, "Beautiful. Sacrifice is a red rose symbolizes. I can sacrifice everything for you, Harold, anything."    

"Well, I must believe you. You're expert with that thing."

She hugs me tightly. I respond tighter, and my heart pound maybe because of pride of having this woman in my life. I am the luckiest man in this world, I thought.

We go back inside. The night gets deeper and the noise inside gets louder. Empty beer cans scatters on the floor and the music from CD turns to metallic rock. We all laugh all the times. I know the security cannot here us because we're in isolated room far away from them.

My vision gets dizzy and I see Nina's face is turning red. We're obviously getting intoxicated. But I never think of stopping yet. It's once a year celebration.

Then I remember something, just happened months ago, almost a year now. A lose and a win. A desperate lose from our opponent's team. We loss the Ice hockey finals in Colorado, my dream. But a sweet victory because I got this woman in my side now that day. The most frustrating but the happiest.

"If only I could have fly, those damn roosters could have not seen me while hitting the puck," I say while my normal mind is starting to get vague with the kicking of the beer.

"You're drunk, Jayson. We must stop," Nina says.

"What do you think guys? I still have many beers in there. Do we stop this celebration?" I ask to our friends.

"No!" they yell.

Then I continue my topic. "We'll, I can fly. You wanna see?"

James Cooper says, "Come on, crazy Superman in love, fly!"

I lost my normal self with the beer. I feel my face gets thicker. I stand unsteadily and smirk.

"Harold, sit, please," Nina says. "Don't be influence by that jerk."

I pretend I did not enter anything. Then like a kid, I gesture the superman post. My vision is not clear but I manage to run from corner to corners of my unit. I run like a car in a rough road without clear speed and destination. I laugh while gasping. They are all too. But, Nina, I see her eyes furious.

"Come on, Nina. This is for you. I can sacrifice for you," I say.

"That's not a good joke. Come back here. You're acting not like yourself."

"Don't be kill joy, Nina. Of course, I'm drunk. But I still can feel I love you."

The boo's from our friends captures the unit. I laugh humorously. Indeed, I'm drunk. My vision is vague. My body is heavy as well as my feet. My stomach wants to explode and the demon of the beer continuously affecting my normal self, driving me away from my normal thinking.

Then I run towards the balcony. "I can fly here."

"Harold! You're freaking out. Get back here," Nina blares. She stands and comes towards me.

Of course, I'm just kidding. She pulls my hand and we go back to the living room. The living room is just few steps to the balcony. We walk, and sit again with our friends. We continue the drinking.

"You're insane," James Cooper says. "Don't do that again, bro. You're angel will come with you when you fly there."

I can't resist to say the word but I say, "You, mother fucker."

It's nothing to them. They are all drunk too, and tomorrow after fighting all the hangovers, filling the toilet bowl with vomits, we're all normal again. Boys will play hockey again. More practices, more efforts so next year we'll win the finals. The girls? They will always still be there to cheer for us. And Nina? She'll always be my angel. A red rose she says that can sacrifice everything for love, just for me.

I kiss her, she responses. Her brown eyes wants to sleep.

It's pass twelve midnight. The limitation is over. The beer totally blinded me. I can't control myself to stand from the sofa. I walk again going nowhere.

"Harold!" I hear it clearly. It's from Nina. But I can't stop my feet walking towards again the balcony.

"I can fly here," I say.

The breeze is bitterly cold. I can still feel it. I lean on the railings. Then I don't know what happens next. Maybe I slip, and then I am falling.

Now I'm really flying. I see Nina's head on the balcony and her hands wants to reach me. But she's fading away from my vision.

She is fading in darkness. She is lost in darkness.