Whitney
4:30 AM
The time was written in big white letters on my phone screen, giving the reminder that it was another sleepless night for me. I wanted to cry in frustration. I was tired- so, so tired but I couldn't get even an ounce of sleep. It was as if my body didn't allow it.
I left the hospital around 8 and went home to do some homework. The lady's words were weighing in my mind, repeating them over and over again.
"I'm Stephanie Westwood, the woman he's currently seeing."
How could my father date the creator of Belleview's HBIC? It was no wonder why she looked familiar, she was exactly the spitting image of Blair, only 30 years older.
The picture of that woman in my life was indecipherable if my father had plans on having a long-term relationship with her. I had only just met her and I immediately felt dark vibrations coming from her.
She was Blair's mother after all, and the parents of someone like her were usually more ruthless than their offspring.
I sat up and inched forward to the edge of my bed. I slipped on my slides and walked down to the kitchen to grab something to eat. Although I wasn't hungry, stress eating was the unhealthiest habit of mine.
The sight of junk food made my unstoppable cravings inevitable. I knew I was going to regret the irrational decision later, but with my father's accident, and Blair and her mother- it was uncontrollable.
I grabbed the tub of ice cream in the freezer and pulled out a spoon from our drawer of utensils. I didn't even bother to sit on a chair and instead sat on the floor, cradling the dessert in my arms.
For about an hour, I sat there on the kitchen floor, wallowing in my distress. I should have known that eating half the tub of ice cream was going to add to my list of problems later on.
Scarfing down the cold food, I ate and ate until it was empty and I threw the spoon in the sink. As I washed it, I couldn't help but calculate the amount of calories and add everything I had eaten earlier on that day. Bad idea.
On an average day, it was usually easy for me to control my daily calorie count, which was around a thousand or less. With the past days, things had been hectic and I wasn't sure if it was just my pre-period cravings acting up, but I noticed that my pattern had gone unstable.
I tried my utmost not to think too much and push any harmful thoughts away before I relapsed some habits from the past, but as I walked up to my room, it was like the devil on my right shoulder was berating me.
No, you're gonna be fine. You'll work it off later, anyway- I told myself. I kept repeating the words over and over until I believed in them but when I passed by a mirror I couldn't help but stop.
I wasn't sure if it was just my imagination but it looked like my face had gotten rounder. Fatter. I took a couple steps back to see the rest of my body and I wanted to say that I still looked the same, but the feeling of just gaining a couple pounds contradicted my affirmations.
At that point, my hands were shaking with anxiety. The urge to go for a run and burn off everything I had eaten was growing stronger by the minute. I checked the clock above my doorway, it was around 5, and I didn't have to be at school until 9.
There was time for me to go for a morning jog, I stated to myself, but I could barely think straight and function properly, totally drained of energy from the previous days without any sleep.
It was either rest or exercise. I tried to calm and reassure myself because I knew that later that day we would have volleyball, and I would work off the calories then.
"I'm just paranoid." I said aloud, convincing myself but when I got another glance at the mirror and I caught sight of my thighs, tears filled my vision.
Panicky, I ran up to my room and changed into black sweatpants and an old grey shirt, taking my phone and earphones with me. I put my hair up in a ponytail and proceeded out the door.
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REALLY LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Another update? Wow lmao. I think the reason why I wrote this so quickly was because it's very personal to me. I know Whitney's body issues aren't as bad to some people, but they're pretty serious to me. I go through it everyday, and honestly obsessive calorie counting and excessive exercise is what keeps me sane. I'm not saying it's a good thing. I'm speaking up about it. I know it's not healthy, and I'm trying to figure out other coping mechanisms, but right now I just want to stay on the safer side. I don't wish this mentality on anyone and I hope that none of you go through any eating disorder. If you are going through one right now, you are not alone and I, along with you are trying to getting to get better.