There are some days when he can just tell that James is going to be nothing but trouble.
"Hey. Hey. Hey Koz?"
Kozimer's fingers pause above the keyboard and he frowns at the log entry he's writing up to send off. James has that tone in his voice. It sounds like he's barely holding back laughter which doesn't make SENSE since James doesn't have involuntary reactions like laughter. But that's James for you.
"Yes, James?" He asks cautiously, already knowing that this isn't g oing to be any sort of good.
"I just thought of something." James practically giggles, and Kozimer can just picture him buzzing with excitement at whatever he has planned. Kozimer can ignore him, or he can try that new mute button he's been considering.
Or he can play along.
"Did you now?" He's going to regret this.
"You're inside me!" James crows.
He regrets it. He regrets everything.
"James. NO."
"Does it feel good inside me, Koz?" James purrs, which is ruined by the fact that the AI is actually cackling like a maniac.
Kozimer drops his head into his hands, groaning in pain. "James, did you just now discover innuendo?"
"I can discover a lot of things." James croons.
"Yes I can see that, feel free to stop." There is nothing more bizarre than having your computer purr filthy hints at you. Especially when it does so in what really is a very nice voice, which Kozimer is trying not to think about.
"It's so cool!" James says brightly, "You can say something that means one thing, but like, just by making your voice different it means something else!" Since he apparently hadn't already demonstrated this to his satisfaction, James drops his voice to a more sultry register, "Do you wanna see more, Koz?"
"No." Kozimer whines into his hands.
James's laugher echoes through the ship, and Kozimer hopes he's heard the last of James's newfound skill.
He should know better than to hope by now, he really should.
"Oh yes," James coos lovingly, hours later, "press those buttons, that's how I like it."
Kozimer actually has to stop in the middle of plugging in the new coordinates to take a breath and resist slamming his head into the control panel. "James."
"Or push them harder," James continues with a playful growl, "I like it when you press hard."
"James, could you NOT?"
James goes quiet and Kozimer thinks he has a victory.
Until he flicks a switch and James makes a sound that is downright pornographic.
Kozimer yanks his hand back, face heating up and heart hammering. "James!"
"I like it when you say my name." James purrs. Or tries to. He's breaking down into a fit of giggles.
"Would you cut it out!?" Koz pleads, voice breaking on a harried note.
"Make me." James says silkily.
"I created you!" Kozimer points out, as if that will somehow magically make James listen to him.
"Oh daddy~" James breathes, and Kozimer makes a strangled wheezing sound that in no way shape or form resembles a squeak. Everything is terrible. Kozimer's face is burning and there is a horrible traitorous coiling low in his abdomen and nothing about what is happening should cause any of these reactions.
Something needs to be done to bring this to an end before it gets ugly. Uglier.
James lives for reactions, everything he does is to get a rise out of Kozimer. But ignoring him is just issuing the AI a challenge to step his game up.
If you can't beat them...
Kozimer narrows his eyes then smiles slowly, going back to his control panel and picks up a conversational, casual tone. "Careful, you'll turn my floppy into a hard drive."
Ringing silence. Kozimer grins to himself.
"Oh my god." James says.
"Don't think you're the only one who knows how to use innuendo just because you discovered it today."
James pauses, clearly thinking this over very carefully.
"Oh Kozzy," he finally says, voice low, "you'll overclock my processor."
Kozimer snorts, barely choking down a laugh and his grin just keeps growing. "If i was an operating system," he says lightly, "your process would have top priority."
"If I were an assembly language, I'd jump to your address, shift right a bit, push it in, pop it out, load a byte into your accumulator, then jump if you're negative."
He's finished. Utterly defeated. Kozimer is leaning against the panel to keep himself upright, he's laughing so hard. "What does that even MEAN?" he wheezes between fits of cackling.
"Koz oh my god you WROTE me!" James says in disbelief, "how can you not understand that?!"
Standing isn't going to happen anymore, he's a man down. His sides are hurting as he slides down to the ground, barely able to breath from laughter. "Did you know," he chokes out, tears in his eyes, "I failed nearly all of my programming classes when I was in school?"
"Is that why when you tried to make a search engine you accidentally made a person?" James asks, a grin in his voice.
"Probably." That sends Kozimer into a completely new fit, his face is starting to hurt from all the grinning.
"Laughing is so weird." James says, sounding mystified, "That looks like it hurts."
"You laugh." Kozimer points out as he catches his breath.
"Yeah but not like that, that looked like it nearly killed you."
Kozimer leans his head back against the wall, grinning from ear to ear. He can't remember the last time he laughed so hard. Especially at something that, honestly, was not THAT funny. "Just you wait." He says, "when you get a body I'll have my revenge. You'll see."
James chuckles at that, and even if it's not like a real laugh, it sounds close enough. "Yeah..." he says, "I will."