[T]-ime
Today, I dreamed again. I dreamed of you beside me, I dreamed of your warmth and your intoxicating scent. I dreamed of my arms hugging you tight and wishing that I never let you go. Alas, I woke up to the cold empty air, the darkness surrounded me and you were nowhere to be seen. My dearest lovely beloved, I miss you so much, I sincerely wish that I could have that one moment back and that you were with me. With you by my side, I can face down anything, be it high tide and crumbling earth, I would hold you tight and never let you go.
Dearly beloved, time is not a test, it is a painful reminder that all things must come or will come to an end. One may try to keep everything together and withstand the test of time but it all fall apart in the end. One can only try to live life as best as one can.
Time is a funny thing, a wondrous dream that feel like forever only exist for a mere two or three hours. Then the dreamer must awaken again to face the cruel reality. How I wish to stay forever asleep, at least in my dream, in my deepest, most private of dream, you are beside me.
Time is a cruel thing, it does not forgive, it does not care. It passed and continue on. I am in pain, and time will let me be in pain for the longest of time.
Time is not an enemy, it is the natural and the inevitable. Human physical relationship is never forever, I learned it too late and now I am forever stranded on the shore of time, looking, longingly for the other shores of the past. Wishing, craving to return and cherish each and every moment that I had with you.
Dearest love, do you know that today is a sunny day? The sun is warm and blinding, the wind is billowing about as the cats are stretching themselves lazily sunbathing. A chubby corgi was looking up at its owner who was eating a pizza pretzel, waiting for a treat. Children are running by, screaming and playing as their parent watching on while conversing with other parents. The tree are swaying in the breeze, and every once in a while some leaves would glide down.
On this day, this sunny day, I should be warm considering that I am wearing a jacket made of cotton and fluffy fur inside. However, the thing is that no matter how much I wore, no matter how sunny the sky seems to be, I am always feeling so cold. I miss you, I miss your warmth, I miss the feel of your warm hand.
Dearest love, as I stood here on the water edge, I look to the sky and the horizon and wonder how everything could have been if you had never left me. As The cold strong wind billowing about, my jacket would be flapping about with such intensity that it seems to threaten to lift me off my feet and into the sky. In a way, I kind of wish that it would, then at least I wouldn't need to be in such sorrow. I wouldn't need to stand upon the water edge, counting each grain of sands in my pocket. I would not need to think about how I can simply end it all with a single step. The water look so promising, albeit a bit dirty and smelly.
It would be so easy, wouldn't it? To have all my sorrows and regret to disappear in but a moment, no longer will I have to feel pain of the heart, no longer must I wallow in my own sorrow. Perhaps, just perhaps it would so much better dead than to live without you.
When I was with you, my love, time seem to just go by. I couldn't wait for your birthday so I could buy you that gift you were looking forward to, I could not wait to have you with me each and every second of the day. It doesn't matter what the future may bring, I was ready to face them all because you were with me, but now you are not, and all that I have is nothing but empty air. Time now seem to stretch out, it seems as though time itself no longer go by in a blink of an eye but simply stand still forever. Like a statue of granite and stone, I waited, waiting for each second, each minute, each hour, and each day to pass. I wait for them to pass so that it can all end, I wait for my pain to end, I wait for my sorry to end.
The cold air whisper through the window screen, the air forms a white mist as I breathe them in and out, I am warm but my heart is cold. As I lay here, in this room of white walls and silence, I thought of you, I thought of your graceful walk, I thought of your scent as you walked out from the bath. If I could drown in you, beloved, I would gladly do so. You are the most gorgeous, most beautiful person I have ever met. You are the most intoxicating beauty that someone as wretched as me could ever hope to have.
I am a fool, I am a fool lost in the maze of love. I am a fool that could not seem to find his way out.
Why? Why oh why did I took things for granted? Why oh why did I ever thought that things could ever stay the same? As long as the human element are involved, time would never stand still. If I could, I would gladly give all of my own time to any entity if I could have just a single day with you. One day, one day to have you in my arm, one day to love you.