It's time to see her again.
It's been days since I last saw her. The last time I did was a time when things were. . . a bit less clear to me. Maybe, if I could get her to speak, she would tell me more of the things she knows about our "dearest friend".
I walk towards the ICU again. I'm sure that lady nurse already recognizes me from the mess I'd caused her. Better not mess with me. She knows the consequences of challenging a journalist.
"I'd like to see Eloisa Acosta," I say to the same nurse I threatened.
I can tell from her face that she just lets out a fake smile. "Alright, right this way, miss."
I can never get over the atmosphere of this place. This is one of the many reasons why I hate hospitals. They remind me of everything.
As the door opens up for me, I see Eloisa's face light up as she sees me.
"Eloisa, how are you?" I say to her as I see her smile.
"She's getting better, Ms. Aguinaldo," the nurse says proudly. "Well, some of her symptoms like mutism has been reduced. It will still be a struggle to connect with her old self."
The nurse approaches Eloisa and tries to make her comfortable. This is just utter fakery. Well, I do not know if she genuinely cares about my Eloisa, but at least she does seem better and calmer than before. "Eloisa, Ms. Rose asks about you."
Eloisa does not even respond to her kindly. She just turns away from her in a child-like manner. "You bad. You want me at nutcase asylum."
Well, then. I think she might have heard that I said that. All I could do is let out an awkward smile as I hear her say that. "Well, then," I say to the nurse. Even she had that same aghast reaction. Her eyes speak of it for she is already about to fall into tears. "I'll take it from here. Thank you."
She does not even turn back. She scurries away as if the notion of me being in the same room as she is scary. I can't blame her. I might have lashed out quite a lot, but it did make her realize that I am not a person that can be bought by lies.
I take the chair sitting in a corner and place it beside and lying down Eloisa. Her smile brings me joy in this time of vagueness. "How are you?" I ask her as I hold her hands.
"Well," she says slowly. "Still alive. Getting better."
I know this is not her full self, but at least she's getting better. It breaks my heart to listen to her speak in child-like manner. I know her to be full of intricate words. This is not the Eloisa I have known for years. "I'm glad to hear that," I say to her. And then, the thought comes – the real reason why I'm here. "Anyway, can you tell me more about what happened the day you were in drugs?"
Her face turns down as she hears the question. Even she thinks to herself of what to say. "Can't remember," she says hesitantly. "Thoughts only Emma."
Even in this time of mental instability, she still thinks of that girl. Even in this time that she thinks of Emma as a whore, she still loves her. Fire still burns within me. I don't think I will be able to forgive her for her lies. I don't think I will be able to forgive her for making me turn against Mateo. "A whore, isn't she?" I say tartly. "She broke you, didn't she? You trusted her, but turns out she's not the angel, isn't she?"
"No. Emma good person. Just fool. Should not do what she did."
"Still the nun, aren't you?" I say to her. She just lets out a smile as she hears those words. At least she's turning into her old self again. "Can you tell me more about what made you angry about her?"
The question is not even comfortable for her to answer. She turns away from me without a second thought. "Can't."
"You can't remember?" I ask her again.
"Can remember."
"Then why won't you tell me."
"Can't trust that you no hurt Emma."
It all comes back to this. I can only shake my head in her answer. "Really?" I say coldly. "You truly think of me that way." I can't believe that even though she read her promiscuity, Eloisa still defends her.
"Yes," she answers frankly.
I do not even know what to say. The only thing closest to a reply in my mind is "oh." That's all.
"Truth bad for you too," she continues. "Truth kill you."
"Why is this about me?"
"Can't answer."
"I know you can tell me."
"Don't want."
It's like I'm talking to a child. She knows something. After all these times, it is only now that she will tell me at least something. How long does she know things that I know nothing about? Just when I was about to flare up, the nurse knocks on the door again.
"Excuse me – "
"No, not now!" I exclaim to Eloisa's nurse.
"Well, miss," she replies. "I'm sorry to disturb, but a couple claiming to be the parents of Ms. Acosta is here."
"They are here? Elaine and Louis Acosta?"
"Yes," the nurse answers. "They want to see their daughter right now."
I can't believe it. Eloisa's parents actually came. I turn back to my lying friend, but all she does is shake her head. "Alright," I reply. "It's ok. It is her parents."
The nurse bows her head and closes the door again. "No! Bad parents. Me no want see them."
As much as I want to respect her wishes, I can't do that for her. Her parents are the ones she needs most right now. "You have to see them," I try to explain. "They have to know your situation."
"Bad parents. Only care about selves. No care about me."
"Maybe they can help you in your – "
"No! Bad parents!"
Much to my shock, I did not realize that the Acostas are already inside. They opened the door without me even noticing. Have they heard Eloisa whining that she does not want to see them? The former couple's faces say it all. They are left agape as they realize what happened to Eloisa. Quite hypocrites. Just seeing their faces makes my blood boil already.
"I don't know what to say," Elaine, Eloisa's mother, says in this sight.
"Well, let me begin that," I say to her. "Both of you are terrible parents. Both of you do not even want to acknowledge her as your daughter."
"We – "
"Both of you refuse to support her. Both of you do not give her the necessary help she needs."
"It's not – "
"All you care about is yourselves and that annulment. In the end, it is Eloisa that suffered. Her spirit crippled down like a wounded bird."
"You are – "
"It's all thanks to you and your messed-up parenting. You are the cause of this."
From the looks of her, Elain is already close to breaking. I did not even expect that Louis would embrace her. He even dares console her by striking her luscious her. All I could do is look in disgust at this fake couple. Not even Eloisa, who is right behind me, is convinced. She just shakes her head at this sight.
"You are good to lecture us about parenting, but where have you been in her times of need?" Louis asks spitefully. "It seems that you hardly cared for her in all these times."
"You speak highly, Louis Acosta," I answer back. "Is it not the parents who will protect their children? I tried my best to get her out of every situation she's been in. Where were you both in those times?"
"Standing by her until she refused our help. Do you think it is because of us that she became like that? You couldn't be more wrong. We have nothing to do with her instability."
"Oh, why is that?"
"It was not us. Someone else is causing her distress."
His words. Are these even real? "Wh– What do you mean?" I stammer to say. That's all in my mind. What does he mean by 'someone else?' Had I been wrong to accuse the Acostas of breaking Eloisa.
"It is your fault why she's like that." All of a sudden, he pulls a book from his briefcase. It is not just a book, but an oddly decorated book of quotes and designs. That's when I realize. "Here's her diary entry," he says as he hands the book to me. "Read it."
I refuse to believe it is her. I cross my arms and just turn away from him. "And you just so happen to carry it around? I don't believe that this is indeed hers."
"We do not carry someone's diary every time, Rose," a now calm Elaine replies. "We brought you this diary because I know that we would see you here. You are always here. You always visit here. It was thanks to the nurse's office that informed us about the situation. Now that she's here, I think it is best that you know."
As she tries to show me the book, I can only let out a scornful laugh. "Eloisa, is this even real?" I ask her. "How could you say nothing as your parents bully me around?"
She does not even try the slightest. All she says is, "No want talk."
I feel so defeated. Not just the Acosta couple but the world. Nobody even takes my side. It's not just Eloisa, but the people around me. However, the couple before me does not revel in victory. They look pitifully as they try to hand me the book. Hesitantly, I take the book away. There's no point trying to fight them off.
"Let's talk outside, dearey," Elaine says as she leads me outside.
This time, as I head outside, I make sure to properly close the door. I wouldn't want Eloisa to hear me calling anything or anyone some stupide names. Otherwise, she might repeat it again to the lady nurse. When I finally made sure that the door is closed, I muster the courage to actually open the book. The book is bookmarked on a specific page. She never keeps a diary. I know she's not the diary type.
But, maybe she is. It's just that I don't know her that well.
In her handwriting of cursives and mess, I try to understand what she wrote.
*
I can't take anymore of her lies. I tried my best to keep her safe, but she just doubles down on all of them. She's playing a dangerous game. Life is not like that. She may say I'm a privileged that knows nothing about life, but I know more than she will ever be. I say she is a fool. The greatest fool. I know she lies to me, and I just can't take that anymore. I still believe she is a good person, but sometimes, I doubt my own judgment. The only thing that makes me forget is the joy that snow brings. As I feel it sweep near my nose, I feel a relief that none can even give.
*
Is this about me? Have I ever lied to her? I don't understand. How can she say that I play a dangerous game? Clearly, even in this page, she still retains her old self – the nun-like self she had. Snow. . . She never liked snow. But then, I read it again. It's not the wintery snow she's talking about.
Snow... a metaphor for cocaine.
Without another word, I find myself tossing the book aside. "This can't be real. It is not my fault that she is like this. It is yours. You chose not to accept her as your daughter. You annulled your marriage because of her."
Even in my outrage, Elaine is the calmest. She tries to tap me on the shoulder as she tries to calm me down. "We love her. We did not want to annul our marriage, but it is this pressure from the outside and inside that drifted us apart. She is our only joy, but somehow, she refuses to be with us after. . . it started."
"At the end of the day, you are responsible for her problems," Louis continues. "You are the reason why she's here. And yet you still consider yourself a good friend? Utter nonsense."
"I– I am a good friend," I say in response, utterly defeated.
Gaslighting. Great tactic of the elites. I can only shake my head. Sometimes, I can feel them getting to me. I just shake my head in all of this. I won't be defeated.
"You know, what, Rosanna," Louis replies. "You think you are a good friend, but really, you never cared that much. What kind of friend makes a profit out of her friend's hell of a life? What kind of friend spins gossip about her friend's family? What kind of friend pushes her friend into drug use?"
No. . . He's wrong. I am a good friend. Still, even as I try to fight, I have nothing to say. He lies. She lies. Just like all the other elites. But somehow, I don't even believe myself anymore. A part of me thinks. . . he's right. Maybe I am not that of a good friend I thought I am. All I could do is walk away. I run as if the truth is trailing behind me. I can feel myself choking from all the sobs, but I know it must not be.