He is going to be the last man that he is going to give up. He thought.
The more that Alex deepened the kiss, Kal is getting more carried away and forgot that the man under him, has his own fears that were kept at bay.
He pressed his hand on his face and he slowly made it travel down from his cheeks, to his chin, and down to his neck. His lips followed the trail of his hand and kissed his neck tenderly.
Alex felt the hand on his neck. This woke him up from his intoxicated presence and with full force, he pushed the king away from his body and started panting. His breath came in short gasps and his heart is beating erratically. With that one hand on his neck, he forgot who he is with and started to have hallucinations that he is back with that woman again in the guest room of his house.
'Sh*t! I pushed her away! Why didn't she tied my hands properly?! She is going to hit me!' This thought of him made him cry uncontrollably and prevented him from breathing. He pressed his back further against the back cushion of the couch and hugged his knees while his face is buried in his arms, "I'm sorry. My hands moved on their own! I'm sorry. I'm sorry....s-sorry..." He keeps on saying while his body is shaking.
Kal, while seeing all of this was speechless. He ran his hand though his dark hair out of frustration and fear that he broke him further. He moved his hands subconsciously to hug him but stopped midway. He remembered that Emily's words that he doesn't want anyone hugging him.
He contemplated on calling his two familiars but decided against it. His office is in the west side of the castle and their chambers are on the east side. It would take him a while to get them and he didn't want to leave him by himself in his office because he don't know what he will do.
Kal kneeled in front of Alex and touched his arms that are still hugging his knees. He is lost of what to do. He don't know what to do. This is the third time that he has seen him cry since he last saw him. He did not even shed a tear when they parted before...But now...
His reaction made him realize, 'He is so vulnerable that a simple touch beyond his 'safe spot' would break him down. Just what have they made you go through all these years?'
"It's my fault. I'm sorry." Kal started. "I forgot that I should not touch your neck." When he saw that Alex is not responding to his words, he added, "I'll ask someone else to call your familiars. Stay here."
He is about to stand up when Alex reached for his hand. "Don't leave..." He slowly got a grip of himself when he heard his deep voice and tilted his face upwards. To an outsider, it looked like he is staring directly to his red eyes. But tonight, he can't see it...He can't see his eyes. He is searching...searching for a proof that indeed, he was with that man.
And not with that woman.
"Let me see your eyes."
Kal sat on the couch beside him and closed his eyes. When he opened them, his previously red eyes glowed blue and Alex can now see the proof that he is looking for.
So blue...like the ocean that he has heard from stories. Seeing his eyes has calmed him down completely. These pair of eyes are the only thing that he can see in his dark world.
"Is this how oceans look like? I heard it was blue. Was it as blue as your eyes, my king?" He asked as he touched his face.
"Yes. Oceans are blue. Like these eyes."
Alex wants to hear the ocean. He wants to feel it. He wants to go along with it. "I wanted to be one with the ocean."
"I won't let you be one with the ocean. It will kill you." The king replied.
Alex suddenly thought of his panic attack a while ago. He pressed the palm of his right hand on his forehead. It is not good for them to be together if he is always going to be like that. He is not sure how is he going to move around if the king would suddenly barge in to his life. He needs time to fully move forward. He didn't want to make the king wait for him. Kal deserves someone much better and much...stable.
"Does your head hurt?" Kal asked worriedly as he lifted his face to see his eyes clearly.
This warmth of his...His attention...His time...He doesn't deserve it. "My king...I think I won't be able to fall in love with you." Alex has to end it right now. While he is not even an inch inside his world.
"I am unstable in so many ways and I think I need to look for another way for me to remember my past life. I can't let you be bothered by my own issues and you deserve someone much better." Alex massaged his forehead to hide his eyes away from him. He is the one who convinced himself that he is not the right person to him but he can't understand why his own words towards Kal are hurting him. "We should have a normal employer and employee relationship." He added.
Kal sighed. "I agree. We should take it slow because you will not suddenly fall in love with me in a night." Alex lifted his face all of a sudden. He was about to say that he got it all wrong. "But never say that I deserve someone better." The king removed his hand that was massaging his forehead and gave it a gentle kiss. Kal stared sincerely on his unseeing blue eyes. "No one else is better for me but you."
***
The following morning, Emily woke up from her slumber because she can feel a presence staring at her. When she opened her eyes, she saw her master, sitting on the floor and his head is resting on the bed. Even though she knows he can't really see, she feels creeped out to know that someone was watching her while she sleeps.
"Stop watching people while they sleep, sire. It is creepy."
Alex sighed. "It's not as if I can see."
The sun is about to rise from the east. Little wisps of soft light are escaping through the closed, dark green curtains of the room. The dim lights are on so she can see the dark shadows under her master's eyes. She can hear Asher snoring on her back. 'Didn't know he will snore when he got a real, human lungs.' She thought mockingly.
She got up and rested her back on the head rest. She stretched her legs and yawned, then she asked, "Why are you here, sire? Would you want to sleep with us?"
Alex got up from the floor and sat on the bed. He laid his head on her lap. "I was thinking if I could ask this question to you. I was contemplating to ask Asher about this instead but then I remembered he is dead since the year 1800's. I don't think he still remembers the feeling of being in love."
'Ah, love. It is that time of the year for sire!' She thought excitedly. 'He finally had normal problems!'
Emily crossed her arms in front of her chest and said in a proud and boisterous manner, "Ask away! You have come to the right person, sire! I still remember what it was to feel in love!" She died not so long ago anyway. She can still remember the man that she fell in love with.
"Hmm...Do you think it is right to make the king wait? Last night, when I went to his office, he was kissing me passionately and---"
"AAAAAAAH" Emily shouted when she heard that the king has kissed him passionately. "The king?! The king did that to you last night?!" She blushes hard and feels giddy inside. She fans her face using her two hands. "Oh my god."
"Yes, he did." Alex said with deadpan eyes. "And to give you more news, I even responded to him."
He felt that Emily is about to let an ear-piercing scream so he covered her mouth in time. Asher is still asleep for god's sake. "Shut your mouth, Asher still sleeps." When he felt that Emily nodded her head in understanding, he let her go.
"I responded to him last night, but..." He was hesitating if he should say the part that he accidentally touched his neck out of heat of the moment. He still feels embarrassed about it. The king saw his panic attack. He bets that he has no idea what to do himself when it happened.
"But...?" Emily urged him on.
"But...something happened and my memories with that woman came back. And because of that, it made me realize that I am always walking on an egg shell and thought, he does not deserve someone like me.
"He is the king. He told me that he will take things slow from now on and he hinted that he is willing to wait because he wants no one else but me. But I don't want him to worry and think about my broken self. I want him to be with someone else rather than be miserable with me!" There. He finally told someone his worries.
They were both silent for a while and only Asher's snoring can be heard. Through out the shouting that she did, he is still asleep. The serious atmosphere was broken every time they notice the sound that he is making. It feels off and comforting at the same time. Emily covered his face with a pillow to tone down his snoring.
She said as she brushed her master's unruly, silver hair, "Sire. Making him wait and taking things at a slower pace is just right for you. But whenever he is lending you a hand in trying to fix your self, I think you should reach for it. You should not reject his help whenever he offers one."
"Why? I just don't want to bother him with my own issues..."
Emily remembered her own lover's words from the past. "Whenever you love someone, you would want to be involved in their life as much as possible. You would want to know what they are up to, what they are thinking and what they are feeling." Saying this made Emily wonder, 'what he is up to this day? Did he forget about me?' 'Did he miss me?'
Alex smiled. "Sounds nosy to me."
"You would not feel like he is nosy when it was done by the person you love. It would make you happy when you know that he cares so much about you and it would make you feel secure." She smiled bitterly. Her voice became serious as her thought drifted on the past. On the day that she took her own life just to spare him of sacrificing things for her, "And it would make you want to do anything for him just to not let him suffer. You would rather hurt yourself and spare him of pain and suffering caused by you." That's exactly what Alex feels. He would rather break his own heart and let Kal be with someone else, rather than be with some unstable guy, like him!
Alex got up from her lap and faced her presence. It feels like an air of melancholy has surrounded her. 'Is it a wrong idea for me to ask her about love? Did I made her remember some painful memories?'
"That's why I told you to reach for his hand whenever he offers it to help." Emily snapped out from her own memory train and focused her mind on her master. This is not about her anyway. "You have to understand that he feels strongly about being with you. Since you both had a history and given that you had suffered a long time from your old home, he would want to be involved in your life now as much as possible and protect you from further pain." She subconsciously reached for his hand and held it in between hers. "Of course he knows that he will face a lot of pain and suffering just to be with you. But when he made a declaration that he wants no one else but you, he has decided that he will face it all." Emily beamed towards her master and went back to her usual, clumsy and happy self. "So give him a chance to be with you and stop running around the bush, sire. Just kiss him all you want!"
Alex forgot that she sounded melancholy just a while ago because her last statement totally contradicted her advise, that it is just right for him to take things slow. But talking with her made him feel like a ton of burden has been off his chest. This guided his mind on what he needs to do with the king.
***
"So, why are we here on the balcony, my king?" Alex asked.
After his talk with Emily, he was asked to go to the king's chamber and the king led him on the balcony of his room. He can smell western breakfast in front of him. He can smell coffee, ham, eggs, cheese and some freshly baked bread. He felt as well that the king has pulled a chair for him indicating that he wants him to sit down.
When the king sat next to him and said, "I invited you here to have a breakfast with me. It is a beautiful morning. It would be a waste if we are going to be cooped up in the shadows of the room."
"Hmm." Was his only reply. Alex placed his two hands on the table and started to feel the presence of things on it, so he would know which food is on what part of the table. Kal, however, helped Alex in cutting his own food portions and placed it on his plate.
"I'll feed you, open your mouth." Was the next thing that he heard from the king. Out of courtesy, he obliged to the king which earned a satisfied grin on his face. 'Ah, he's so cute!' The king thought.
"I have decided to agree this morning that we should take things at a slower pace. At least, we should know first of the things that we hate." Alex started. When he emptied his mouth of food, another bite-size portion was waiting for him to eat, served by the king.
"Sure, that's fine. Would you want some coffee? Would you want me to cool it off for you?" Kal asked as he poured a coffee for him and started to blow on it. 'I bet he would feel happy by this!' He thought.
He learned from Vanciel that blind people often need help with eating and walking around. He learned that Alex might need someone to help him with eating his breakfast. So, he specifically ordered him to prepare a breakfast table on his balcony and have a western breakfast ready.
He did not even asked if he wants rice! He grew up in a japanese household and he grew up eating rice! For the sake of heavens! He doesn't want to drink coffee early in the morning and he would rather have a warm tea to go along his breakfast. He preferred to drink coffee in the evening. Right before he sleeps.
Alex formed a fist on his hand as he tried to stop himself from lashing out. He is blind! But his hands can still move! He took a deep breath multiple times before he ate the bite-sized portion of food that was being served to him by the king.
"So, my king. What do you hate the most?" He asked after he chewed on his food.
Kal stared on his dull blue eyes that somehow is blazing with anger. Even though he knows that he cannot see, he can certainly feel his intent as Alex looks at his eyes without blinking. 'Why do I feel like he wants to punch me right now?'
"What I hate the most is not being with you." He said seriously. "I hate it when I cannot do anything to keep you with me, even if I have all the power of the world." That is not just the thing that he hates, that is also his fear.
Hearing this completely quenched the irritation that Alex is feeling towards the king moments ago. He leaned his back on the chair and said, "Well, there were things that are always out of your control, no matter how much power you hold." He shook his head to steer his thoughts back on the original topic. "But that is not what I meant, my king. What are the things that you hate and don't want others to do to you?"
Kal has placed the utensils back on the plate as he leaned his back as well on the chair, thinking. "Oh...that. I guess, I hate it when someone interrupts me. Wait. Everyone hates that." He rubbed his chin using his right fingers. "Hmm...Let me think of anything else---Ah!"
Kal leaned his face closer to Alex, "I hate it when someone is lying and hiding things to me." He saw his blue eyes blink. His silver bangs are swept to the side as he tilted his head in an adorable manner. 'Ah, he is really cute!' He can't help thinking. "How about you? What do you hate the most?"
"What I hate the most is not eating rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I hate coffee in the morning and would prefer plain, green tea. But I want to drink coffee in the evening, just before I fall asleep. And what I really, really really hate to the point that it makes me want to punch a face is when someone helps me with my food and treats me as if I am going to fall on the ground, face first." He smiled a sarcastic face. "I just want to remind you, my king, that while I am blind, I also have heightened senses, therefore, I don't need anyone to feed me and don't even think of getting a cane for me or even guiding me to walk." The king can see the truth in his eyes. Alex inhaled a huge amount of air, "So please, stop treating me like I am a glass that will easily break."
Kal placed his elbow on the table and his head on the palm of his hand. He smiled as he affectionately pat his head. "Did you hear the words that I just said, my king?"
"Yes, I heard you. I'll take note of that. And by the way, you can call me Kal. Stop calling me 'my king.' I hate it when you call me that."
Without Alex noticing, his lips turned upwards and he showed a genuine smile on the king's touch. "I will take note of that, my---" He almost said my king. He cleared his throat. "Kal."
His name coming out of his lips sounded right in the ears of the king. It feels natural...and nostalgic. "What about the things you like? Tell me, what do you want?"
"I want to be carefree. I want to take care of Asher and Emily. I want to have a normal family with them." Alex showed a tenderness and affection on his eyes. He really loves his two familiars as if they are his own children. He thought of Kal. He thought of how would he want him to be a part of his life. He thought of his insecurities about him, really finding someone else better than his self. He thought of the reason why he would have this kind of fear. After sometime of thinking, he finally understood it. "I want to have a place in your heart that only I, knew." He is sure that this is not yet love. But he knows that the reason of this fear, is something that you would feel when you met the person that is more important than yourself. Someone who is so special to you, that you would place the value of your life for that person. Just like Emily said, that is the someone that would make you want to bear the burden of pain and suffering in their place.
It is not yet love. He don't want to admit that to his self yet. It is just him, having a secured place in his heart if he really wants to go after him. Before he give his heart to him, he wants to make sure that he has a place to settle in, and it should be only him.
Alex touched the face of the king with a smile. "I want to be sure that I am the only one in your heart before I can fall in love with you. I hope you don't mind."
The king can't hold himself anymore and kissed Alex deeply. The wind of that fine, morning day sang gently with the leaves of the nearby trees. The warmth of the sun bathed the two of them with blessing. It's just the two of them at this time. Just them in their world.
Kal has never been thankful in his life before today. He is thankful because he can kiss him today under the warmth of the sun that his kind has always avoided.
After thousands of years of being apart with him, a memory of them came in his mind...
It was in the banquet of gods.
He was sitting quietly and patiently beside his father, the previous king of the night creatures. He was watching the favoured, child god that was laughing and eating merrily with his father, the god of everything.
He has never cared about the light that is coming from the godly realm. He never wanted to feel it on his shadow-like soul. That is not the reason why he wants to cross the veil that separates the two realms...
Kal was brought back in the present when he felt a tear fall from his eyes. He is about to pull back when Alex stood up from his seat and continued to kiss him. He tilted his head on the side so he can have better access. He felt that his own hand was being guided by him to wrap around his waist.
He never cared about living in the light. That was just a reason that he told him.
He just wants to be with him.
It was the wish that he prayed for every banquet of the gods.