The eyes are the window to the soul. It holds the secret of the soul and it's identity. It shall never be given to anyone else and shall be buried with you. As it is also the string that connects your body and soul.
Letting anyone borrow your sight is a taboo, and the punishment is severe that will make your soul break into pieces.
***
14th February, 2006, Kanagawa prefecture
***
For the first time in a while since his father's death, he is celebrating his birthday.
This feels like a dream to him. His mother apologized to him because she can only prepare a simple breakfast. She reasoned that they have a few ingredients in the fridge and most of the things that she can see are pitchers of water and a few alcohol. She also said that she is going to get rid of the remaining alcohol inside and that she wants to start over.
Indeed, for a few years now, he wished for his mother to act like a mother to him, someone who protects him and sober enough to celebrate his birthday...But these changes are too sudden! It is like the woman in front of him is a different person! He is not used to his mother staying in the kitchen and cooking! Most of all, he is not used to his mother getting chopsticks and spoon for him and feeding him!
"This one is quite hot, let me cool it off for you." She said
Like, wtf! "Mom, It's alright, I can feed myself. I am not as fragile as you think I am. I have been feeding myself for quite a long time now. I can even cook for us, you dont have to force yourself to move." Alex got the spoon and chopsticks from her and started using his heightened senses to figure out what is the food in front of him. Egg omelette and miso soup Ah, but the soup is 4 days old, and sitting in the fridge...
His thoughts were cut off when he felt the sad stare of his mother. He decided to change the topic.
"Mom, how are you feeling? Do you feel strange?"
She rested her head against the palm of her hand and stared at her son, she was thinking, 'Ah, he really grew up to be a man, feels like I missed a lot because of my nightmares.'
"Yes, I do feel strange...In a way that I feel sad and regret, but happy at the same time."
Alex turned his head to face his mother. He cant see her face but he can feel that she is telling the truth "I mean, physically mom, how do you feel? It's like...you were not moving yesterday at all when I went to school. So still..." For a while, he hesitated if he is going to say that she looks like dead, but then again, he was sure that she was dead, he checked the pulse after all! "It's like you were dead yesterday."
His mother sighed. "Yes, I am fine physically. In a way that I am sober and no pain anywhere. But son, I have a weird dream yesterday. I am standing in front of your father's grave. Then I saw this man with green eyes and blood red hair said, 'you are not allowed to wonder and stay out of your body, you should go back to your son.'
That was the time that I remembered you..." She can feel the sting in her eyes and her face getting warm. Her voice started to shake as she tried to stop herself from breaking down. "I remembered that I left you in this house. I remembered that before I fell asleep yesterday, I have never been a responsible mother for you." She buried her face in her hands, "I'm sorry if I was not in the right mind when you asked for help before."
'Ah, before..' Alex thought. She was talking about the first time that he was raped. There were two women that came inside their home when he was just eight-years old. They were her 'friends.'
They were intoxicated by drugs at that time that the two women came in his room and started stripping him off of his clothes. He shouted for his mother's help but she said, "Go ahead, he is blind anyway, he cant see your faces. You can do all things you want, but I want supplies." and that was the first time that he learned, boys can be raped as well. And no one gives a thought about it because everyone thinks that boys, or men, are physically strong, that they are capable of protecting themselves. But Alex, was never that kind of man. He knows that he is not strong enough to protect himself before.
And so, for a decade, they were living off from other men's 'donations' and her drugs are being supplied by the two women. Sometimes, other people as well that he cant remember. And he was the payment. But 3-years ago, the two women stopped coming and she was just living off from the cannabis that was planted in the basement.
He remembered that he was always locked up from the guest room, sitting there quietly and waiting for a customer to come. That's how they afford the school for disabled, and how his mother survived.
"I'm sorry that I am not a mother to you." Her words brought him out of his memory. Alex placed the utensils on the table. He lost his appetite to eat and the food that tasted better a while ago, now tasted bland.
"Mom, I just want to let you know, it is hard for me to forget those things...I don't even know when am I going to forgive you. I dont know how am I going to act from today. I know you are sorry about what happened before but please stop. I just want to ask how are you feeling. Because last time I checked yesterday, you are dead."
Those trivial things doesnt matter to him anymore. Because he is used to it. This is not the first time that his mother asked for apology about what happened all through the decade. She keeps on asking for forgiveness whenever she is sober, then someone will come inside their home again to do unspeakable things to him. He just wants to confirm a few things from her.
His mother was shocked to hear that thing from his son, "Ah, yes, feels like I was dying yesterday. But aside from my weird dream that I told you, I feel refreshed. Like I woke up from a long nightmare."
***
He remembered the words of the self-proclaimed god yesterday, "If you see a miracle tomorrow morning, comeback to this shrine and worship me properly."
He stopped in his tracks to school. Maybe he should pay him a visit tonight, when there were no humans around.
His day went on as usual. He learned that 2 weeks from now would be the final exams and he needs to prepare for that. then after the final exams would be the rehearsal for his graduation. When the last bell rang, he got up and was about to leave when he heard a female child voice coming from his back. It's soul is a little heavy for a child. "Brother, can you please take me to the subway station? My mother will be sad if I am still not home."
It seems that the voices of the parents and his classmates are on quite a distance. They have long left this classroom and they were alone. He stretched out his hand to feel her head and a scene flashed in front of him. This child was trying to go home alone 5-days ago. According to her memory, she was standing by the school gate for sometime and waiting for her father. But he never came. When she decided to go home to her sick mother, she didnt see the green light from the traffic and was crushed by a car before it drove away. He squatted in front of her, "Kid, ask someone else. I am busy tonight." He stood up and left.
A heavy soul tied by sadness. It was a soul that thinks she is still alive. He wants to ignore the child because it is not his business and he has his own matters to attend to. But his consciousness is bugging him with sympathy. She is a child, about 6 years old, she still thinks that she is alive for goodness sake. She accidentally refused to honor the promise made from the god of earthland! It would be unfair for her to be burnt in the pits of hell just because she thought she was still alive. So he turned around and told her, "I cant take you home tonight. But if you see a scary face asking you to come with him, just go. that scary face will guide you home better than I would." He gave her a warm smile.
Down the silent corridor, a god is watching them. The tall being is wearing a black robe and his empty eye socket is glowing in purple. A sigh left his bony mouth before yanking down his hoodie in an attempt to cover his bony face and goat horn. The child refuses to go with him because he is scary. He is contemplating whether to use glamour and cover his bony face with the face of her mother. But he decided against it. He will not sugar coat the reality just because of some brat that was afraid of him. This will be the last chance that he will ask for her to come. If she still refused to---
"Bony brother, I think I can go home now." The god of death stared at the soul of the child in front of him. "Do you know what going home means?" At least, he wants this fact to be understood by her.
"Well, I know that I cant go home to my mother anymore. I think this is something that I refused to believe." The little girl smiled at him. "The god of destiny has finished writing my story. So I should go now."
And so, in the darkness of the empty corridor, the little girl faded away.
***
Alex' journey to the shrine was eventful for the souls around him. The one that refuses to leave, as he call it. He dont want to call them ghost. Because they were once a living human soul that just refuses to leave. A ghost, as far as he know, are truly evil that was created by the devil himself. They are using glamour to change how they look and deceive the living so they can get the body for themselves and do who knows what. But the real ghost are having a hard time to have a contact with the living beings, because the promise that was made to the god of earth is protecting them. There was a saying that he heard from one of the souls-that-refused-to-leave: "As long as the nature lives, our soul was protected as long as we live." Sounds like a poem to him. Humans can only be harmed physically and it is very rare for the humans to not be protected by the nature.
The souls around him are like normal humans whenever they saw him. They flock over him and greet him enthusiastically, like an old neighbor would. "Sire, you going to visit the shrine once more?" One of them asked. "Yes." He answered.
"It's just sad that we cant go with you beyond that torii gate. But we wish for your safety Sire."
Once Alex has crossed the torii gate, the voices went silent. He can only hear the sound of trees brushing against each other in the rhythm of the cold wind. He can feel the sun slowly sinking down from the west. The torii gate marks the transition of the mundane from the sacred. Beyond this point is a sacred place that the ones-that-refused-to-leave can never take a step to.
As he walked the stair path to the shrine, he thought about his feelings yesterday. He was serene yet the moment that he saw the water well where the worshipers wash their hands before approaching the shrine, his mind went lose to the irrational hatred that he has towards the gods. This time, when he saw the same things that he saw yesterday, he decided to put his head on the cool side for once. His mother was alive after all, a miracle that defies science.
"You are calm this time." The familiar voice said.
Alex stood straight and faced the self-proclaimed god of destiny. "Why wont you wash your mouth and your hands first before you approach my shrine?" Alex can hear the mocking tone in his words. He wants to mockingly say, 'I told you so.' So he didnt move from his spot. Not an inch. He will not bow down from this god, even if he saw his miracle.
The god of destiny cleared his throat the moment that he realized his mocking did not have any effect on him. "So, why are you here?"
"I am here to ask what are you?" Alex said with all seriousness.
The god laughed so hard that he had a minute to himself finding this situation hilarious. When he calmed down, he asked, "So you really cant remember me from before?"
"Why would you ask that, have we met before? We just met yesterday."
The god of destiny composed himself, "Ah, yes of course, yesterday." and reminded, 'There were a few things that I cant even say as it is a taboo. That was close.' He breathe a sigh of relief.
"As I told you yesterday, I am the god of destiny. I already showed you my miracle. Isn't that enough proof?"
"It is enough for me to find out that you are definitely not a human or a wondering soul. Even with the weight of your presence. Your soul, at least, is as light as the feather. But I have my doubts that you are a god of destiny himself."
The god was shocked to know that he can still feel the weight of the soul. Even after all these years, he still hasn't change. The god decided to treat his old friend and invited Alex inside the shrine to have a calming tea with him. The two familiars of the god, the cat spirit and the human with the fish head served them tea. Alex cant see how they look like, but the weight of these two presence are somehow close to animal spirits. He didnt know what kind of animal though.
"So, what's with the tea? Is this your way of convincing me that you are a god?" He asked.
"Just drink it. I don't have a habit of putting poison in my guest's drinks. And I dont have to convince you that I am a god, whether you believe me or not, I am still a god that everyone worships."
fair point. He felt that this god is telling the truth, so he drank the tea.
"I always felt fascinated with your abilities. Even if you cannot see, you can feel the weight of the spirits." The god started.
"Is that why you invited me for tea?" Alex asked while he asked for seconds from one of the familiars.
"Yes."
"Now that I thought about it, you used the word 'always'. It indicates that yesterday was not the first time we have met each other. Have I met you from my past lives?"
The god stared at the dull blue eyes of his old friend. His old friend looks like he is staring at him, but he knows that he cant see. He can never see as long as he lives.
"Yes, in your past lives, we met." We always see each other, and for unfortunate reasons.
"This is the first time that we had tea though. I am glad I have this tea with you."
Alex laughed. "So we never had tea in the past when you met me?"
The god sipped from his tea and said, "No, we never had tea."
"What was I back then?"
"Arrogant, like you are now."
Alex felt satisfied with how this god has described him. "So, you really cut my string of fate?"
"Yes, your mother is alive, so that should be enough proof." The god answered. "come, put your head on my lap, I will tell you a story about how the night creatures were born in earth."
Alex felt sleepy all of a sudden. He placed his head on the lap of the god and his long, slim fingers brushes his soft, sliver hair, lulling him to sleep further. His Cherry blossom scent calms down his heightened senses, making it numb. His warmth brings security that he never had. "I don't need to know how the night creatures were born."
The god smiled sadly as he said, "Yes, you need to know that, because that is the start of the story of the fallen god..."
***
Alex had a dream.
In his dream, he was sitting under the big tree that draws a line between the living and the godly realm. He felt a boy coming towards him. His soul is as dark as the shadow of the living, it will be erased even with the weakest light. His red eyes are glowing, but this time, he can withstand the light from the godly realm. He is glad he dont need to hide from the shadows.
"I can give your eyes back! You dont have to go down anymore. Please just dont leave me." The boy pleaded desperately.
Alex shook his head slowly and with a smile, he said, "Everyone found out about our secret. I have no choice but to either redeem myself and not have a chance to see you once more, or I can go live like a human and atone to my sin forever. Just promise me one thing in exchange of my gift."
The boy wiped his tears away and listened attentively to the voice of the man that he loves so much.
Alex knew that he is speaking. But he cant hear his own words. He cant hear what he was saying, but he can see the boy nodding in agreement and heard him asked, "But how am I going to be sure that I found you?"
Alex leaned closer to the boy until their foreheads touch. He closed his eyes and said, "A soul is always the same through out it's lifetime. It may not remember the past, but it will always be the same scent, color and identity. You can find me and fulfill your promise. I will wait for you."
***
Meanwhile, in the Mingyun Shrine...
"Oh, he fell asleep master." The fish spirit said.
"I made him fall asleep. As he is not supposed to hear my story.
"You didnt kill him this time master. I am surprised the tea is not poisoned." The dog said.
The god smiled on his two familiars. "Because I was relieved of that role since his previous lifetime. The destiny that he held off for so long will start rolling by itself." The god placed his hand on Alex's head and a white glow appeared. "He doesn't need me anymore. He will walk on his path on his own. I just pray that this fallen soul will find happiness along the way."