....What is this...?
A mirror in front of me reflected a sitting figure. The reflected figure was on a sofa with a blood-red colour. It could fit only one person and it was me who occupied that one space.
The design of the sofa was made to look like blood was dripping from all over the sofa, coating its overall surface.
Apart from the mirror, it was total darkness enshrouding me. The only visible and tangible object that I could look at was the sofa and the mirror. The mirror's frame was oval with no extravagant artistic work.
As i finished inspecting my dark surrounding, i concentrated in the mirror. It was the only thing that I could reflexively look at. The glass only had a reflection of me, but soon, that assertion changed slowly as I focused more on my image.
White smoke tardily covered the mirror and was whirling around the centre. Quite like a whirlpool but the smoke was circling with a decelerating current. After a few seconds, all of the glass was covered in white and became blurry as a mix of blue came into the mirror.
One by one, all types of colour joined in and were whirling around together, just like the white smoke did before. A more colourful version to be precise.
Suddenly, it started to be more orderly in motion as it began to take shape. A scenery that looked recognizable to me as time goes. As one of the colours moved to a specific spot, it became more familiar. I clenched the armrest of the sofa as I became more aware of that view that it portrayed on the mirror. The gripping force became stronger.
I could not believe what was shown to me, one of the most painful, agonizing, betraying moments....This is too much....for me...
The blurry vision became clearer and clearer, and... I felt a sharp pain in my heart as I gazed into the mirror.
"Why did you do that!?!?!!"
The glasses of the mirror resounded a really familiar voice which contained such wrath. I instinctively released my grip, cold sweats were flowing down the back my head due to the anger directed towards me. That voice,.....was my Dad's.
The image of my Dad furiously staring at me like I am some kind of enemy to him. I remembered that scene which he showed me that expression as it was only once that he revealed such emotion.
I reminisced about that as I quietly watched the scene that was playing on the glass.
"You are insane!!"
He continued to slander me. That time, I knew why he scolded me this badly, I knew why he continued to insult me and I knew why I silently took it. Aaaaa...I want this to end so quickly. I don't want to remember this...
"Screw you!!"
.....Eh?
My voice...?
Was that my voice? It was certain that my mouth is close so how did my voice come out? If I remember correctly, I kept my silence at that time,....then why? Why am I hearing the retaliation of that time?
"If you were in my place, you would have done the same!!!"
My voice was intensely directing its sound to the mirror, specifically to my dad. Although mouth is still closed, I strongly felt that my voice was strangely coming out of my mouth. 'I' continued to defend myself against the image of my dad scolding me.
But I noticed something as my arm felt a wet sensation. It was resting on the armrest so I investigated there. Has the colour of the sofa become darker red?
The colours on the glass were now distorting and moving like a whirlpool again. I detected that so I diverted my attention to the mirror. Soon, it took the shape of another scene.
"Why!?!?"
This time, it was my Mom. The tears were rolling down those brown eyes which looked down on me. She was scared and trembling as she grabbed ahold of herself to prevent the shivering.
Shortly after, a black colour swept over her visage in a diagonal manner. Her face expression changed to that of disgust when the black colour dispersed from her face. Her cheeks, already soaked with the streaming salty water, she opened her mouth with a regretful tone.
"I am ashamed to have carried this demon in my womb."
I bit my lips as I heard that statement. This was and still is excruciating for me. I again was forced to recall that time when she said the most painful things to me. Again, I compelled one of my parents to show a rare expression to me.
This was a turning point in my life that I do not want to experience ever again.
Ever.
"Demon?"
That sarcastic tone of mine exited from my closed mouth. The verbal display was done not by me. At least physically. But the voice that seems to be directed towards the mirror was conveyed by the darkness. That is what I am feeling. The darkness...is my mind. Yes. The words of retaliation is comprised of my intentions.
The words that were resounding, were the words that I wanted to say at that time. I kept my mouth shut because I did not have the courage to confront them, not even talk...So why am I being shown this? To feel remorse for not standing for myself? Or to undergo further pain?
I concentrated on my Mom's image as the voice proceeded to convey my intended thoughts at the time.
"You are the demon!!! Look back at what you have been doing to me and say it again to my face!!"
Words consisting my frustrations and furiousness exited from my sealed lips. My thoughts were really against my parents at that time. But to think to this extent.....i was surprised. Why did I blame them? How are they at fault for what had happened to me? Does defending myself sound like a child's babbling? Am I really innocent.....?
'Tsk!' i clicked my tongue inside my head. I did not want to recollect the reasons of that unspoken matter.
I stood up from the sofa and came near the mirror, as the colour was starting to distort again. I drove my fist into the glass.
....Nothing happened. Not even the small sound of glass cracking. My attempts at making this hell stop was fruitless. I did not go back to the sofa as I was not going to sit there and watch this.
But the wet sensation in my arm was bothering me. I took a look and red liquid was dripping off my forearms.
'Blood? From where?'
I checked for injuries but there were none. Then I stared at the red sofa where I was seated earlier. I came near it and touched it. Red liquids were stagnant on it and this was the cause of the blood dripping from my arms.
I could not contain my anger so I ferociously kicked the sofa. It moved back a metre or so but it was still standing. I took a look at the mirror as I wondered what was next.
The next thing that changed were the colours that were orderly moving again. Just like before after a few seconds, it took the shape of a girl staring down, not looking up to me.
'Reika...'
I knew who it was showing instantly. But I did not know when she was like this. Where have I seen her in that state?
"...Brother."
The mirror called out to me so I instinctively tried to call out to that voice. I opened my mouth but no sound was produced. I was aimlessly talking with no voice.
I called out to her again. I uttered her name multiple times in vain. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I bellowed at the mirror but still no good....I was just there, meant to do nothing, just look at my past.
*Sniffs*
In that total darkness, the only sound that I could detect was from the mirror. I could not even hear my own voice, but I heard from that glass in front of me. I stopped trying to screech to the mirror.
Her eye level became higher and closer to mine. Two streams of tears on her chubby cheeks were becoming longer from the angle I was seeing. The moisture in her eyes was making her brown pupils becomes blurry and watery. All of it was aimed at me.
"Sorry..."
.....Sorry?.....Sorry.....? Why sorry? What have you done wrong? Sorry for what? Why are you apologising to me? You have done nothing wrong! Then why are you uttering that word to me-
"Sorry?"
A mocking response stopped me from pondering any longer. My own voice that was produced, I started to hate it. Even though Reika was apologising, my voice was not satisfied? Why?
"Don't you dare say sorry to me!!"
I did not want to hear anymore. I could not bear with my own insults. My own hatred. I decided to stop it quickly.
I did not want to listen to my own rebuke so I rapidly blocked my mouth with own hands. I could only hope that this method would lead to the results I want.
"It is because of you!!!!"
Not even close. I did not know what to do. To stop the scoldings. To stop the insults that I spit out. I despised my own voice that would even think to display such harmful words towards Reika.
So I gave up on my initial attempt at covering my mouth. I clasped my hands and proceeded to drove the fists of my own to my face. I hit it once, twice, thrice and onwards. But the physical pain that I was feeling were extremely minuscule.
"Only a 'sorry' won't be enough to fix this!!!"
My punches did not have any slight effect on my projected voice. I continued to cling on the little hope that my own slanders would be forced to come to a halt as I did not stop punching.
"Then, what should I do.....Brother?"
I stopped the beatings. I stared at Reika's image.
This was different...
She did not ever say that to me at that time. In fact, apart from her apology, me and her did not even speak a word. Then why is it proceeding in a different way?
Is it showing me what would have happened if I voiced my real thoughts to her?
Was that it?
I got a bad feeling. A really bad one. I did not know what to do. The consequences of my courage, I did not want to view it. I absolutely did not want to hear it! What to do? What should I do?
Suddenly I thought of an idea.
"Will you do it?"
My determined projected voice compelled me to fasten my way of stopping this.....hell.
"...Yes..."
I quickly stuck my tongue out due to Reika's hesitant response. Both rows of my teeth was more revealing. Yes... I am trying to kill myself in my mind. That would at least wake me up from this nightmare.
I got a last look at Reika's sobbing face before I bit with extreme determination. I closed my eyes as it made contact. I could not see anything. My eyes were still closed but I was afraid to open them. I was about to lift my eyelids after welling myself with courage. But...
"There is only one way."
How!?!?
I again bit my tongue violently, but in vain. My tongue was like a pillow. I bit down but I only get a soft feeling before giving up on that idea.
Why?..... Why???.... Just let me wake up from this nightmare!!!! I don't want to hear this! I don't want to hear this! I don't want to hear this! I don't want to hear this! I don't want to hear this!!!!!
I covered my ears with the palm of my hands. I looked away from the mirror. I do not want to see the results. That unthinkable outcome.
I absolutely do not want to see this!!!!!
"The only way to atone....."
Even though there was a barrier between my ears and the darkness, I could clearly recept my mocking vocal. I closed my eyes and tried to veer my body away from that glass, but an invisible force halted my moves.
I could not budge. The eyes that I closed, it was forcibly opened widely.
'Why are you doing this!!!'
I tried to scream to no one in particular voicelessly. The frustrations were building up inside of me. I could not take this. My head was made to turn to the mirror, my pupils were made to concentrate on the glass, i could not do anything.
Tears appeared. I could not hold the sadness, annoyance and hatred. Hatred towards myself. I despise my pity self. My pity soul.
I bellowed to the mirror to stop but to no avail.
".....for your sins, is to..."
no no no no no no no No No No NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOOOOOOOP THIIIIISSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reika stared at me with her teary-eyed as she smiles...This was the worst. I gritted my teeth times and times as hard as I can. The torture would not stop. I really hope it is not what I think..... I hope....
".....go and kill yourself..."
.....
.....
....It was at that moment, I got control of my body. I couldn't care less about that as I thoughtlessly ran up to the mirror.
"SHUUUT UUUUUUP!!!!!!"
My voice came back. I could control my voice right now. From my own accord.
My right hand clenched, was directed into that glass. I knew that it would not break, but this time...it was not for nothing. The glass visualizing Reika's face cracked into multiple pieces.
"Haaaa.....Haaa...Haaa..."
The glass was void of any colour now. It only reflected me in the cracked pieces. I stared at several of my own red eyes due to the tears. I pondered about nothing as I gazed at the broken furniture.
Suddenly through the cracks, lights passed through, touching certain parts of my body. The glass pieces fell one by one so that more light could intrude this darkness. More light was bestowed on my body.
My tears stopped and my anger and frustrations have slightly calmed down. I gazed at the source of the light as I hear some voices.
"...hen is.....going....ake up?"
Ken's voice? It was audible to a certain extent but I could not quite discern what he was saying.
"...is....rare chanc...Continue do...."
Aki's voice now? It has become clearer but I still could not understand.
Thinking about them, I contemplated on the relationships between me and them. The laughter, jokes, insults, fights.....I kept recalling these small moments.
'By the way, have they completed the tasks?'
....I could not do anything but chuckle at myself. Even in a time like these, i worry about the chores that i have given them to complete. Hahaha...
I accepted the light that caressed my whole body as closed my eyes, but this time, gently.....