Prologue

I... I don't know.

I don't know where should I start. I don't know what to say to begin with. I don't know if this would be the right thing to do. I don't know if I'm going to regret or be completely satisfied after this. I.. I just don't know.

Sa loob ng sampung minuto, nanatili kaming tahimik na naglalakad sa gilid ng dalampasigan. How romantic for a scenario that I'm going to create.

Hindi kami magkahawak-kamay. We're just... simply walking. Papalubog na ang araw at lumalamig na ang hangin. Hindi rin naman sya nagtatanong o nagsisimula ng usapan. He has always been the person I knew. I know he knows I have something to say and so he remains silent.

Napasulyap ako sa kanya. Nakayuko sya sa buhanginan habang nakapamulsang naglalakad. As usual, I can't read his expression. I can't guess what's going on in his mind. Napabuntong-hininga ako at muling ibinalik sa daan ang tingin.

Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas. Nanatili lang kaming tahimik. Napatingin ako sa wrist watch ko at nakitang 5:40 na. Nauubusan na ako ng oras. Huminga ako ng malalim. I have to do this. Huminto ako sa paglalakad kaya huminto rin sya. Dahan-dahan ko syang hinarap at nakitang nakaharap na sya sa 'kin.

Nakita ko syang nakatingin sa 'kin. That pair of hazzel brown orbs. Hinahangin ang buhok nya at against sya sa orange na sinag ng araw na dahilan para lalong tumingkad ang brown na kulay ng buhok nya. He's still handsome as ever. He always looked calm and composed. Kung titingnan siguro sya ng ibang tao ngayon, malamang sasabihin nilang bored sya. I wanted to smile at the thought. That's what I first thought of him. But now, I know, the way he look at me right now is a way that he never did to any other girls. His eyes are undoubtedly full of love. Oh God. Am I really going to do this?

Napalunok ako kasabay ng pagpikit. "I'm.." Why it has to be painful? "I-I.." Tiningnan ko sya. He seemed to have an idea of what I'm going to say. Inabot ko ang kamay nya at pinisil iyon. "Let's.. Let's end this."

Two seconds. Five seconds. Seven. Ten. He had no response. He remained staring at me. He maintained a calm blank expression. Sean, what are you thinking?

I gulped. "I'm.. I'm breaking up with you." And that was as if a signal.

Naramdaman ko nalang ang pagtulo ng luha ko. Agad ko iyong pinunasan at ibinalik ang tingin sa buhanginan. Hindi pa rin sya sumasagot kahit ilang minuto na ang lumipas. Muli ko syang tiningala at nakitang nakatagilid ang ulo nya patingin sa papalubog na araw. Hindi ko makita ang mukha nya.

Naramdaman ko na namang tumulo ang luha ko. Napasinghot ako at pinunasan yon. Ako 'tong nakikipagbreak pero ako pa 'tong nauunang umiyak. Stupid. Tiningnan ko sya na nananatiling nakatingin sa araw. Tumulo na naman ang luha ko at hindi ko na 'yon pinunasan pa.

"Listen." Halata sa boses ko na umiiyak ako. "I-I'm dating someone else. I-I.." I gulped. "I-I've been dating him for days now.." Halos pahina na nang pahina ang boses ko.

I waited and still got no response. Tinawag ko sya at lumingon sya sa 'kin. His eyes suddenly felt cold. Parang nawalan ng kulay ang paningin nya at naging hollow ang mga pares niyon. Just plain blank. Magsasalita sana ulit ako nang magsalita na sya.

"I know."

Nagulat ako. Napatitig ako sa kaniya at hindi ako makasagot. I.. I didn't know what to say. Nanatili akong nakatulala sa kaniya nang bigla syang ngumiti. Yung usual nyang slight smile. But this time, it was null.

"Chai, I know.." Pag-uulit nya. This time, mahina na ang boses niya. It was full of pain and it was as if a knife that had been stabbed on my chest. H-He knows and yet.. and yet...

Parang umurong ang mga luha ko at nanigas ako sa kinatatayuan ko. He knows. Parang may mas malaki ang bumara sa lalamunan ko. I couldn't speak. I couldn't find any words to say. What am I supposed to say anyway? Bumaling sya sa buhanginan. He was still wearing that usual slight smile.

"I knew it all along, Chaisee." Napailing sya ng nakangiti. "What I didn't know is that it would be this painful to hear it from you."

Yumuko sya at sa loob ng isang saglit, nakita ko kung paanong nahulog ang isang butil ng mga luha sa mata nya. Saglit lang yon, halos hindi lumagpas ng second, pero sigurado ako sa nakita ko. At parang pinipiniga ng mga oras na 'yon ang dibdib ko. I had never seen him cry. And the first time I see him to was because of me. How lovely.

"I knew it all along and I still stayed. Do you know why, right, Chai?" He said, almost in whisper.

Napatakip ako sa bibig ko para pigilan ang pag-iyak ko. I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Sean. I'm.. I'm sorry. I-I'm really really sorry.."

He looked at me. Walang bakas ng pag-iyak. I almost think the tear I saw fell from his eyes was just part of my imagination. But I am certain. Why does he still hold back his emotion even at this moment? Why?

"Even if, Chaisee." Hinawakan nya ako sa magkabilang pisngi. "Please." Halos pabulong na sabi nya. Idinikit nya ang noo nya sa noo ko. "Please, stay.." Pabulong na na sabi nya. "Please choose me. Please stay with me."

Napapikit ako at kasunod niyon ang pagtulo ng mga luha sa mga mata ko. Bakit ang sakit marinig? Ang sakit sakit sakit. Hinawakan ko rin ang magkabilang pisngi nya at inilayo sya sa 'kin para titigan sa mga mata.

"Sean." I called him. "I love you." Pinunasan ko ang mga luha sa pisngi ko. Lumunok ulit ako. "Pero iba na kasi ngayon." Sabi ko sa paraang parang nagpapaintindi.

My words were sent to him as if a poison that is bound to kill him. Lumayo sya sa 'kin at muling ngumiti. Sean, why do you keep on smiling? Why do you keep on holding back your feelings? Why don't you let it out and cry?

"Right." He nodded continously. Tumingin ulit sya sa 'kin. Ngumiti sya but the sadness were now visible on his eyes. "I'll just be where you're happy." Lumapit sya sa 'kin, muling hinawakan ang pisngi ko at dahan-dahan akong napapikit nang halikan nya ang noo ko. Within two seconds, I felt his extreme emotion; love, care, pain, sadness and sacrifice. Lumayo sya sa 'kin at muling ngumiti. "And if this is what would make you happy. Then so be it."

With that, he left.

---