Have you ever wanted to help someone, but all you can do is hurt them instead? Yeah, that's me, hey I'm Satan, aka the Devil, Lucifer, The Fallen One, etc. I've got a lot of nicknames, my favorite one has to be "That Guy Set My House On Fire". You see, no matter what I do, I always end up blowing something up. One time it was the neighbor's dog, then it was the firetruck coming to save the dog, and then it was my mother's stove. Ouch, that one burned. Ha! Get it? Nevermind about what I do, how about what I look like?
I am a handsomely tall lad of some weird freakish fire demon descent, you wouldn't believe it if I told you. Ah hell, why not? It'll make for a great bedtime story! You see when my mother was a young lass, she fell in love with a fire djinn of great bloodlines. It was love at first fight I tell you! They had a huge old battle and afterward well, uh, I'd tell you, but have your parents explained what the birds and the bees are? No? Well, that's that! Go ask your parents if you want to know more!
Back to what I was saying...Oh yes! I have dashing eyebrows that sit right above my eyes where they belong and speaking of eyes, my eyes are like cats, except more on the human side. My eye color is the purest red you've ever seen, it's like if you took a tomato and pureed it in the blender, then added some red wine...basically take all the red things. I wouldn't say I'm muscular, but I am pretty fit, I fill out a pair of jeans pretty well. Disregard the tail thing, I definitely do not have a tail! Nope, wasn't born with one. I was born with these super ultra powerful fire skills.
Unfortunately, that's where my problem starts, see it turns out that my mother was the daughter of some great king of hell or some such I really don't know. When she and my father well, you know, and I came along, I was born with power over Fire out of the gate! Sounds fabulous right? You're totally wrong, shortly after I was born my father and mother split and well, there was no one around to teach me how to control my powers.
Now, wait a minute! I know what you're thinking, why couldn't my mother teach me right? Under normal circumstances, you'd be right, but you see hell isn't as you'd imagined it. It's not a fiery lava pit filled with brimstone and tar. There aren't banished souls screaming for mercy. Hell IS Earth. Heaven, Hell, Life, they all exist on Earth. Only, the good humans of the Earth can't see Heaven or Hell. There are very few who can and they are called exorcists, or spirit mediums. So, of course, we have to pick a city to live in, and well I can say we didn't pick the top of the list, but we certainly didn't get the bottom rung either.
My mother moved us to Los Angeles from New York City, far away from her father, one of the great kings. They all live in New York you know? It's the weirdest most compartmentalized self-stereotype too. It's like if Spider-man was to go fight villains in Gotham or something? Deadpool goes to Hollywood? Wait, I'm pretty sure those have been done before. Marvel has a pretty weird sense of imagination anyway. They've probably put Batman in New York City or something by now.
Back on topic, Los Angeles which is also known as LA is where my mother met my dad, bless her soul. Speaking of souls, we don't eat them. No one eats or consumes souls in any way. That's not how being a demon works. I'll tell you the whole process later, it's not very pretty. Anyways she spends most of her time working two different jobs. She works at two restaurants and constantly gets hit on, did I mention my mother was a demon princess? She was born to be beautiful! Anyways she regularly gets really good tips, everyone loves her beauty which you'll get to meet her later I swear!
What with the whole two jobs thing, she doesn't have much time to teach me how to control my magic, thus leading to an episode of Parks and Recreation, but with lots of fire. She did leave me with a lot of books on how to control my magic, but she never taught me any Devil-speak either. She did say that over time I would naturally come to learn Devil-speak, but then I'm here scratching my nuts because I am gaining more of an understanding towards Heaven-script than Devil-speak. It is truly mind-boggling.
Well here we are, mother, works two jobs, I don't have a father I know, and we both live in an apartment in downtown LA, not too far from the Chinese supermarket. Sounds like an episode of the Cleveland, but only shittier and in a ghetto, not a suburb. On the bright side, I am almost thirteen, which for Heaven and Hell are major milestones in the life of a Demon or Angel. It's like an ancient birthright, only it still continues to modern day, unlike those human customs which only last until the turn of the century. Welcome to my life, they call me Satan!