Entry 2
Am I a narcissist. Perhaps. But, my tale is far from Narcissus. He was a fool who was enticed by his beauty. I am different. Extremely. I am aware of my flaws. Will I admit them in public? No! That would lead to a public execution for society is a cruel mistress. Society was a queen on a false monarchy. Seated comfortably on a jaded throne, delegating her inconveniences to the subjects. It was, for this reason, she treated her subjects like whores. More like we whored ourselves for society.
I suppose I am no different. No. I am completely different. I am no fool. Society is just a tool used to gain and maintain the natural hierarchy of things. I succeeded in climbing to the top of this hierarchy. Thanks to meritocracy and bureaucracy. Worked my way from poverty-stricken backgrounds to the very elite. This is why I am different. I did no receive hand-outs. I worked for my success.
Unlike the fool named Narcissus. I will not drown in my image. I will simply maintain it. For it is just an appearance. A facade I use to achieve success. Society is a queen- I am a king. Society submits to me. It worships my presence.
Entry end
"Did you ever attempt to find yourself"
"Everyday for forty-five years. I wandered around the domain of the elite and the impoverished. However, I did not click with them. I was and still am different, you see."
"How so, if I may ask?" Again with the polite tone. A false sense of diplomacy. I never understood diplomacy. What was the point? Like humans can be civil. We function on greed. We need personal gain to survive. We started wars to alleviate the grievances of our greed. Diplomacy was suppression of the human nature, a sin. The policeman was human. He could true to hide it, but a neurosurgeon can see through the veil of lies. He wanted answers and did not care about anything else.
To create an understanding, you need to understand my history. I was never perfect because my internal environment was never perfect. My parents functioned on an obsession to maintain a status quo. They were unable to comprehend they had fallen, no rather, they did not want to accept this harsh truth. For them, an appearance mattered more than reality. In all honesty, I do not blame them. For they had created a facade. They forced me to participate in the activities of the bourgeoisie such as tennis and polo. Excel is a better word than participate. They wanted me to be more than just part of the elite, they wanted me to rule the elite. As a result, I was robbed of a childhood. Ordained to be an excellent student; studious and talented.
My favorite and fondest memory of my childhood was a truly beautiful one. When I was seven years old I did not understand the importance of class. So, due to my naivety, I formed relationships with everyone and anyone. Thus my relationship, with a seven-year-old poverty stricken hood rat was formed. Do not misunderstand, the boy had nothing wrong. He was healthy. Physically and mentally. In fact, he was a fine specimen as he was physically gifted. He was faster than the wind. What's more? He was an intelligent boy. Better than me in those two regards. However, he had a fundamental flaw. One that would continue to haunt him for all his entirety. Consume him and devoid him of all opportunity. Sad indeed. The boy was poor. When my father got hold of our relationship, he educated me about social class. He in his drunken stupor did not shout. Instead, he was acted completely rationally. He heated a spoon and simply placed it on my back. An extreme pain I underwent, even let out a few tears. Whilst he was engraving a scar on my body he gave me a speech. I never forgot the speech. It was short and effective and no waffling. Most importantly, he delivered the speech in a monotone voice, cold.
"Son! Do you know why I am disciplining you...hmm? It is simple really, you simply do not understand how the world works. The world is not like those stupid fairytales you often read. The world is harsh because it is a hierarchy. In a hierarchy, you do not at all cost befriend those below you and certainly not those above you. You are confined to your social class, until and unless you do something splendid. Now, do you think to befriend hopeless individual acts in relation to the world's hierarchy? This scar is will serve as a constant reminder, if you ever try to break to defy the world's laws, understood?"
My father was a great man.
"I do not know. I never tried to address it," I explained "It would not award me any merit. Instead, I opted to stay lost, drifting with no direction. But, I knew I was different. Maybe because I was meant to be"
"Maybe you are not different-maybe you do not want to accept your mediocrity and that you are just like everybody else"
"Maybe so, but I will never admit mediocrity. The moment I do...I will cease to exist"
"It seems you fear to be average-"
"I do not fear mediocrity. I do not desire to be mediocre. Completely different. I was conditioned by my environment to be different. I had no choice but to be different, officer." I delivered this line in the same manner as my father did that day. Monotone. Cold.