Chereads / Clyde and Adrian / Chapter 2 - Chapter One

Chapter 2 - Chapter One

Have you ever thought of vanishing altogether at once? Leaving everything behind in a single flick. The problems you have, the emotions you endured, the loneliness ending. I'm a bit curious as to how it occurs. When you felt the air leaving out of your lungs and you lost all the consciousness of the world you reside in, will you be sent in pure nothingness? Will you be brought by a grim reaper, in his black suit and manly, charming face you'll be glad you died just to see this man and be brought to either heaven or hell? Will you be reincarnated as another thing, say a rock or some new form of weed, depending on how you lived your previous life? Or the you will be erased in this whole universe that even a speck of dust would matter than you do?

When I'm lost in this sort of thoughts, I force myself to come back to reality. My rational self keep on telling my other self that suicide is plain stupid. You even fought in a debate one time on how stupid it is, Clyde. But it just pops up. I don't really know as to why either. All I know is it must've lingered long ago and it was triggered once again.

Each passing day, I think of it and each passing day, I'm fighting it.

Today, I thought of writing about the past in tremendous detail. Maybe, just maybe, in the journey of writing the narrative, I will be able to feel happy, contented or accepted. I don't really know. I don't know if this will rise me from the surface of depression. This is all I'm good at--writing, and this is the only way I could think of to help me cope up with the burden of sadness.

And as best as I can, I'll try writing electronically because writing them in a piece of paper feels like I was writing the last essay of my life.

"So, what fandoms do you have?" I remembered that was the first question asked by these kids to me. I'm already 18 years old at that time, way too old for to enter college and get a bachelor's degree. Everybody else was either 16 or 17 and because of my huge statute, people thought I was pregnant of this non-existent child that's why I stopped for 2 years. Residing in the world full of prejudice and judgments, that was expected. Filipinos are renowned for watching too much dramas in their lives, insisting that the plots they've watched applies to every situation in the world there is.
"Yellowcard, Blink-182, MCR, P!ATD, Mayday Pa-"
"What is that?" She blinked in confusion. Obviously this incredibly tall kid have been living her life surrounded by boybands and girly stuff. She had her lips tinted with red and her brows shaved completely clean. It would've been nice if she didn't have acne all over.
"Rockbands. Just what in the world are you into?", I asked. I silently prayed for them to not mention Bieber nor 1D.
"1D."
Lol. Fuck. Go away.
"Did you just say 1D?", the guy in front of her turned around to join in the conversation, eyes sparkly due to the new topic.
"Yaaaas! Are you a fan too?"
"I've been to their concert last time", he chimed, all proud and awed by the mere mention of the name.
My phone vibrated and I immediately looked at my phone and looked at the new text:
"So how's it goin' on you medical exam?", I felt my cheeks turn red, all perked up by a single message. Sonny haven't texted in hours, it was getting annoying but all hatred got away with just a single sentence. I wanted to punch myself for being so easy but what the hell, I can't help it.
"I am in need of help. They're either into 1D, Bieber or K-pop. Is that how kids do shit these days?", I replied to his text.
"So what's your name?" the guy in glasses asked. I looked at him and he unbelievably looked like a girl. "Clyde." I flashed a smile. "Oh, I'm Adrian.", he said nicely.
"And I'm Monica", she inserted.

And I knew just then, this will spark a good friendship.

We were in line by that time and I find it exhiliratingly painful to watch, specially the parts wherein Sonny took too long to reply and them endlessly talking about Harry Styles' and Taylor Swift's past relationship which I cannot fully comprehend because they keep on adding new names that I've heard the first time.

This babble continued for hours and I've kept my cool with Sonny during those times. I was rather happy, finally, I get to be in an environment I am not enclosed in, like a bird finally free from its cage. I'm happy that, finally, I'm now not neglected nor deprived of the 'rights' I thought I have. In the Philippines, education has always been a privilege. A necessity, yes, to help oneself to climb up and keep up to the fast paced, technologically imbued society, but not everyone could afford it.

And that's what happened to me. I've been locked up with the financial transgressions of my environment and I have been stuck since.

But today, I came to find a whole new hope. I came to find myself resurrecting from the ashes and reforming a new Clyde.

The line continued to pile up, filled with Accountancy students yearning to gather new friends. At that time, I thought of myself as an extrovert, and I kept talking about whatever occurs to mind. I remember an old professor saying that if you go to college, there are three things you need: A brain, some friends and, beer. As far as I can remember, I 've been keeping two things off in the checklist--the brains and the beer. I'm a drunken bastard whose got a low alcohol intolerance but what the hell, I keep on doing it anyway and I still never get used to it. The last thing I needed are friends. Because apparently, my high school friends I was attached to vanished into thin air. There were few who have stayed but has only let their spirits be noticed every once in a while. So there I was, taking the opportunity to gather as much friends and so far, I have talked to Adrian, Monica and, Danica.

The line moved until it's my time to be checked up. I was declared overweight and my medical records revealed that I have hyperacidity that went up so bad I vomit water into acid.

It was indicated in my transcript that I have graduated on the year 2013, two years prior to getting to college. The nurse looked up at me and stared at my body. I never felt so harrased. Truth be told, everything on me is big. My boobs, my ass and yeah, my waist. Thankfully, my body is still properly proportioned so as to not be called a walking huge panda.

And yes, prejudiced the world was, the nurse asked me, "What have you been doing these past 2 years?"

I wanna kill this bitch.

I spoke in pure english filled with an elusive accent. I'm not gonna back down. "We had a financial problem for a time being so I had to stop and work along the way to support our finances. I'm a virgin by the way. Thank you very much." and all she ever said was, "Oh."

After all that, I received a text saying, "Hey I'm gonna go home soon. I might not be able to text you later. I'll sleep early. Take care. :*" I just smiled. Sonny was probably the only guy who have kept me in wild butterflies. I finished all the transactions I had to do regarding the enrolment and walked on to home. I checked my phone and looked at the last text. Since I still have 5 hours before my curfew, I decided to go into Sonny's dorm and bring food to have dinner together. I haven't seen him for weeks due to his research and I missed my goddamn boyfriend terribly.

I went to the University of the Philippines, which was an hour away from my bound to be school, Polytechnic University of the Philippines. I went to the university first, longing for a break after that long ride. I went in inside the university using my fake ID, one that I have acquired from Sonny so that we can have "school dates" and can cuddle up during his classroom hours. I walked in along with my groceries-filled-bag and thought that this fake one won't be used anymore because I'll be having a real ID from PUP, my own school.

I waited in front of the institution he's in, planning to surprise him on my visit. I was reading an ebook on my phone when the time hit 3:15, I had my eyes pierced through the doors, waiting for him to come out on his usual locks, playful smile, strong and lean stature. He went out, just as I have expected him to be, with his shorts, flipflops and a statement shirt saying, "I'm an Isko, Bitch", an explicit shout out to the mundane of how smart he is. Isko is the short term for Iskolar (Scholar) and is frequently associated to UP and PUP students due to being in a state university. The government shoulders most of expenses but then due to the economic decline of the country, students still have to pay because apparently, there's not enough budget for college education. All went to the corrupt administration's pockets--a clichè story of the government.

He had his earphones on and the circles around his eyes are huge. He is a huge mess. I stood and walked towards him. He saw me and just smiled melancholy. I hugged him and I started to pull away but he just hugged me further. He kissed my head and said, "Let's just stay like this a bit longer. I've missed you."
My heart was warning me that it was about to explode but I contained myself.
"I've missed you more."