The small journey from the station to the inside of the city had felt longer than it was, marked with a gloomy shade with the sirimiri. I enjoyed this light plummet of rainfall more than usual. Perhaps the rain of one's own hometown had a different tang to it.
It was a dread feeling at first when I pushed the door to the cafe with the least bit of my strength and even least than least courage in the core. Sooner as I saw a few of the familiar faces, suddenly I was more than just an introvert. If there had been a term to denote to the uttermost antisocial, intending to flee at the sight of a human hair strand, maybe that would have suited what I was now. I could immediately recognize them, wondered if they could too in my case. Renee looked the same when she was sixteen, hadn't aged at all. Aranya now with her dyed orange hair looked different, but the usual amiable fondness perhaps was her perennial feature, that rested with sparkles as she was talking with hands flapping to give extra meaning to her dialogues. Daiyu - she looked gorgeous as ever as well. All of them looked happy. How did I look?
I had lost my thoughts, the reflex of social interaction all at the time, not knowing how to approach. Should I call and wave at first, or should I go ahead and present myself? Instead, I just stood there awkwardly in the distance, far enough to not get seen. This position felt better, the frontage one step forward from which would make the world turn around to look at you. I didn't want to take that step. Until I didn't have to. Renee saw me, immediately screaming with the loudest voice and waving her hand for life.
"Y/N-iiiiiii!!!!! Here!" She didn't wait for me to come over and started running olympiads. The next second I was almost about to stumble with her weight pressed against the whole of my body.
"How have you been? Gosh, you have become prettier! I'm effing jealous now!"
"Y/N!" The rest of the crew joined in, a similar welcoming smile lighting up their face. "Finally! Took you a job to come and visit your holy motherland, huh? At least you're here now. It's so great to see you!" Daiyu said.
"Great to see y'all too. A-am I too late?" I sighed inside at how my nervousness got me to the stupid stuttering. Others didn't seem to take much of a look at my tensed-up appearance.
"Let's go sit down. And Y/N, we have so much to talk about. You better not say you'll have to leave early. We're not allowing that."
I smiled in return.
"Finally a reunion like this - how long has it been, anyway? Lemme count, three, no, four years, right?" Renee said, "Did you even remember our faces? I'm sure you had to take a look at the old yearbook photos before you came to be able to recognize us today."
"Nah, c'mon. Why wouldn't I recognize y'all?"
"How are y'all doing?" Aranya said, "Daiyu, I heard you are about to start your own restaurant."
"I am planning to. The construction will start in about two weeks. Y'all will be my listed special guests."
"Does that mean you'll treat us for free every time? If so, then I'm in. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, all at your place."
"I'm gonna charge you double the price then, sweetie. You are welcome to come over anytime." Aranya teased her back, "And what about you, Renee? What are your plans?"
"I don't know. You know about mom's health conditions. She has gotten better now, but I still have to look after her. I am taking some courses, for now, will think about what to do next later."
"And you, Y/N? How have you been doing? Tell us about your job. We got to know nothing about you yet."
"Uh, it's nothing much. A manager associate post for idols in an entertainment company."
"Idol manager? Sounds interesting tho. The pay must be decent."
"It's alright. And their schedule had me coming back to here. In the meanwhile, I got to meet y'all too"
"Yeah, thank God for their schedule," Renee laughed, "And tell about that thing."
"What thing?"
"Seeing anyone?"
"No, no one yet."
"Interested in anyone?"
"Nah."
"Why? Never found anyone up to your mark?"
"Well, I guess I don't want any relationship right now."
"Why is that? I heard idols tend to be pretty. Never got your feelings heaved for any of those you're working for?"
My ears heated up, I was instantly shaking my head, "Nah. I am not allowed to date and stuff with them."
"Who cares about these rules? Why don't you give it a try?"
"It's a good job, Renee. Do you want me fired this soon?"
"Aish, it could have been a good chance for you though. I want to see at least one of us married." She sighed, faking a glare at all at once, "Y'all lazies, work hard and get a man!"
"Tell me where your man is first." Daiyu glared back at her.
"I don't need a man. I'm young and independent."
"So are we."
"Not as much as I am."
"More than you are."
"No."
"Yes."
I was giggling at their silly little fight. It was as if we were back in the old days, all of us young and naive, together. The one when I needed to care for nothing else. For once in my life, I genuinely felt the smile speaking to myself.
"Gosh, look at these adult women fighting like a child with each other. By the way, where's Fiona stuck at? She's late."
"I had called her. She said she is about to reach." Aranya's eyes averted to the door, "Look, there she is!" She waved at the woman strutting through the entrance, "Fiona! Here!"
A sudden pang seemed to jolt at the more than familiar face, a rusted portion of the box in my brain urged itself to get awoken. I could never see the face, the face which was so embossed in my neurons, haunting in my darkest nightmares leading me to scream and jolt up on my bed. The twin face of the one I saw die just in front of my eyes. Fiona. Anna's sister.
Her eyes were gleaming to see the rest. When they settled on mine, I could see how her expression hardened, in shock and surprise, later hatred dissolved in. She walked towards our table, slamming the bag on top in a showcase of her irk, towards me perhaps.
"Hello everyone. Am I too late?"
"Yes, you're late but be glad I am in a good mood today. You have to stay longer as we want though." Renee said. Fiona's stiffened face stretched up a rigid smile, looking at everyone but me.
"Look who's here too. I didn't tell you firsthand to keep it as a surprise. Y/N's here!"
"I can see that."
"She is a manager for an idol group now. That group had a performance scheduled in our country so Y/N came by with them too. And we got to meet at last." Aranya beamed, her hands splaying to host an official welcome sign.
I moved to the side to leave some room for her to sit, she ignored that and decided to sit with Aranya.
"Now that all of us are here, should we place the order? What will you guys take?"
"I won't take anything. I'll have to leave soon. Sorry for that."
"Why?" Renee whined, "I told you that you gotta stay for long-"
"I have got errands to run, Renee. The world doesn't run on my command."
"At least since Y/N's here today, you could have-"
"What's so special about her being here today?"
"She's the reason we decided to host the reunion after all -"
"Is she that special someone to you? If I had known she was the reason for this gathering, I would have never come."
Daiyu said, "Why are you acting that? We're meeting after this long time and-"
"And so? I'm surprised of you guys, how come and why are you pretending even to welcome this murderer?"
The smile on my face went away instantly.
Everyone shifted, visibly uncomfortable. Renee forced up a smile, nudging Fiona with her arm. "Fiona! What're you saying? Don't say that. Y/N'll get hurt-"
"Even if I don't say it, does that mean anything will change?" She crossed her arms on her chest, "Will the past be gone if we don't talk and pretend as if time has passed by? Has it really? For me, bygones are not bygones. It's still the same."
"Why are you bringing that up now? Listen-"
She stomped on her feet, "Why am I bringing that up now? Really?" She was yelling at this point, "Because you didn't lose a sibling. I did. I lost the closest person from my life." Her eyes shot darts blazing with wild ire at me. Unable to endure the intensity from eye contact, I looked down at the floor, stammeringly trying to speak, "Fiona, I-"
"Shut up. You, don't even try to say one shit." Her jerking index pointed at me getting me halted. I fidgeted my fingers on my dress, taken aback as she continued to speak.
"No matter what, the shadow of a person doesn't change. And your shadow, is your, this, dark, murderer instincts."
"Okay, stop!" Aranya exasperated, "Stop blaming Y/N for this! I mean c'mon now! She's not responsible for Anna's death. The fire had started due to an accident. Anna was just in the wrong place at the wrong time."
"Was she?" She punched on the table, startling all of us, "Stop acting like you know all about what happened that time!"
"Then what do you know more than we do?"
"I saw her note..." She said, "She had left me a note at home before leaving."
"What?" Everyone stared at once at her, "A note? You never told anything about this."
"What was in the note?" Daiyu asked.
"Y/N had called her to meet up saying she had something important to say. Y/N, she had planned the whole set up and did that to Anna, got her killed-"
Renee sighed, "Do you really think you're making any sense here, Fiona?"
"What? Anna could have still be saved then. Y/N could've got her out like she had herself. And that boyfriend of yours-" She looked at me with such loathful eyes, dripping with aversion.
"It was a matter between you and him, how had Anna got into this? WHY DID YOU GET HER IN IT?" All the people around at the cafe looked at us in surprise, wondering what was going on.
"Fiona, calm down..." Daiyu was trying to mediate, but she was no one to listen. She sneered, "Got no answer, huh? How would you? How would a selfish, dolt bastard like you get one?" She threw the menu off the table, "Enjoy your little meet and greet. I would've never come had I known she was the host of this. I'm not gonna disturb your pretty moment anymore. Thanks for the invitation." With that, she trodded out of the cafe, leaving all with aghast silence behind.
I mustered all of my strength to fight back the tears and replace my expression with a smile.
Aranya spoke up first, patting my back, reassuringly to say, "Don't think about it too much, sweetie. You know Fiona's always a little cantankerous. She just can't accept her death even after all these years."
I managed to nod my head.
"The food's getting cold, let's eat guys."
"I'm sorry it's getting a bit late for me. The staff has sent me a text just now. I have to get back."
"Already? Ahh, we've just got here!"
"Sorry guys. It must be important. I wouldn't have left this soon otherwise."
"Y/N-i, let's meet again later then. How many days are you staying?"
"I don't know if I can find some time later. It's a very tight schedule for the idols at the moment. But let's talk often from now on. Keep in touch. I'll go now. Thanks for the treat."
"Bye!" They all waved at me.
Sunlight as variant night colors coruscated the city streets. Car horns and people talks were buzzing the ambiance. The left-out darkness and the noise were enough to hide my red face and faint weeps. Tears came out like I was a young kid.
They all hated me. They all hated me even to this date. I was a murderer who killed her closest friend, and that stain of a person's life was indelible in my case. It was perhaps a yellow stain in apposition to the people's luster, but dark as the deepest grave to my core, painful that the sharpest knife to hurt.
I was being killed more than once than Anna and no one saw it, felt it. I should and would be killed for killing someone, every day, it was my sin, and the hell for the sin, live dying.
My eyes hurt, blinking hard as the train came to a halt. I rushed up from my seat. Sky only knew to bark louder, drizzle from a while ago had now become a race of umpteenth raindrops in a deadlock to see which one reached ground faster. The motion of my steps started to get heavy and heavy as well as my brain, sooner the sound of the footsteps to get muffled with the swatting clamor of rain.
This walk had no destination, neither did I, my life. Why was I even living?