Love is the same as immunity, it makes you strong. Worse, it keeps the memories that hurt you once.
"Can we just forget everything for a while?"
I stared into his eyes, to find a way through the dancing curtains of his eyelashes to his speaking heart when his pale, warm hands fondled over my cheeks so delicately. We all were prisoners trapped by our anima by that bony prison cage that held our idealistic heart. Was it okay to kneel down to that and just forget anything we desired, for a while?
My limbs wanted to give in to this perspiration of nail-digging emotions, but mind and soul and brain were never in a battle siding each other.
His body lowered onto mine, cradled between my legs, his chest undulated with calm breaths, same as mine but for sure calmer than I was. His hands gently but in a firm hold stuck against my back as if to check me from slipping away. His eyes would trail down continuing to close with the close slant of his face, his nose brushed against my frozen tip. My eyes partly closed itself when the limited distance tended to zero and then I could feel his lips softly grazing mine, waiting for my impulse at the last second to be sure and congruent to his before he gave it up completely with one last of the first acts.
What was going to change?
Would one moment of oblivion set everything aside? One short surrender - giving in to claim something that I knew would never and should never be mine even if for a short while would mean I was a loser, a coward with no sense of duty. Love is a word of four letters that had no set of fire in my four-chambered utensil. In the end, I never knew what love felt like. At the very beginning, I never knew whether this was an infatuation. Even when till now I looked at him, I thought twice, maybe it was love, maybe I was weak for him. But to that one reason to love him back gave me two reasons not to. Love never brought me a great favor. Past memories said so, so shall the future, my love interests were never good guys. Or to say, right now, someone within my principles.
In addition, if I didn't meet my goal at the very end, all the oblivious moments would appear like guilt. And if I did meet my goal, this one guilt would be a felony.
Jimin's lips parted in startlement at the sudden intervention of a ringtone nearby. "My phone's r-ringing..." I said as I used the quick time to push him off, sliding off the couch to stomp away until his hand hastily pulled back mine.
"Y/N-" I didn't want to listen. Instead of giving him a moment, I almost ran inside dropping his phone on the couch.
Sigh escaped my lips in a release of frustration as I swiped away the missed call on my screen, name said, Jimin. My mind was strangely calm, blank to be exact. No residue or repercussive sentiment blew wind over the pacific like it knew what was going to happen. In return, my whole body was shaking from the effect, I gripped my head hard to get my pragmatism onboard, functioning. My phone rang in the meanwhile, a real call this time. Momo's name took over the screen to also make me realize the grave consequence I was about to give in to.
"Hello."
"Y/N," The woman jubilantly replied, "Listen I got some great news!-"
"Not now, Momo. I will call you back."
The male was sitting on the couch, facing the floor. I strode fast the living room with an intention to avoid any sort of eye contact. Neither did he look up for once. Rushing towards the door that opened by itself, I almost bumped into Jungkook coming in flashing a broomstick over his shoulder.
"Sorry, noona, are you-"
"I'm okay." For the shortest second my eyes settled for a glimpse over the male's back before leaving, I found him holding his phone. The screen was brightened white with the call log section in his hand. That's when I remembered, in rush, I forgot to delete the log that I called my phone from his.
The smartest moves can always be forgiven.
The neighborhood they lived in was not just the best place for the bevy of people like them. I sat, five lanes, and several blocks away in a random park with only a broken swing where no living being stood more than two seconds of their busy lives, which was fine. The breeze helped more than it should, to aid with a calmer ambiance. I thought more and more about the last hour at the dorm with that specific boy. My blank head now felt disastrous now realizing its own actions. The mind seemed to be minding its own, I was withering with overthinking decisions, countless phone calls that I received in the midway to interrupt my train of thoughts weren't providing adequate friction. Eventually, when I picked up the call at last, Momo was supposed to scream at me.
"The freak why you're not taking my call! This is so important!" Her vivacious angry shriek would nullify all the Jiminous knots in my head for a time.
"Sorry."
"Where are you right now?"
"Out the dorm. What were you-"
"Great! Now, do you hear me, that hacker prick is out! Everything worked out just as we had planned!"
"Woah when-"
"I never knew that rumor of you getting a new partner would work this fast this well! Turns out it was the cafe owner's son! Gosh, I was almost about to overlook the fact, of course, a cafe owner can always use the pc in their own cafe besides open hours! The way he nicely fell for the rumor is am-a-zing, I mean, he tried to sneak in our database again just at the time Woozi had predicted, on that, without having a second thought on doubt. We got all the pieces of evidence- the PC, the pendrive, and-"
I stopped her over-babbling inundation, "Is the guy taken in detention?"
"Yes, the interrogation is yet to start."
"I'm coming to the base."
"No. Don't. Boss told to not let the boys off without second-hand supervision. Your description as a witness is needed to be matched but later. And also, how are our pretty gangsters doing?"
"Cleaning the dorm all day long as an excuse...aren't you gonna be at the interrogation?"
"You know that's not within my job. It shouldn't take much time to extract everything out of that thing. He's a tech wiz for sure, yet dumb. That's why he got busted this way. So far what I've heard cursory from Woozi is that he said he had taken the money and done it for a friend."
"A friend?"
"Yep, a friend." Momo mimicked the same way back, snorting with a soft laugh, "Ugh, after all the all-nighters I had to pull along with others here working on this, I feel so freaking great now. There's nothing much to now as left. I'm here waiting in the workroom, shall deliver when any news comes by. So, tell me, is everything okay?"
"Why are you asking that of everything all of a sudden?"
"You sounded weird when you first picked up the phone. I don't know what it is, just felt different how you do. Having a bad day? Anything up with the bachelors at that place?"
"I'm great."
"You know, if not me, if you're feeling off, go share it with a friend."
I smiled quietly, "You sound so happy today, Momo. That's great to see." Taking a small pause, I decided to add, "I don't have a friend. Are we supposed to have friends anyway?"
"Hmph, I guess that is right too." Momo smiled in return the same way as me, "Only enemies shall be close."
"Sometimes it gets tiring..." She spoke, "But this workroom gives me more space than I think you get. It's tough to be out undercover in the field. Working on this case I met plenty of new experiences, as well as getting close you. You make a great friend though, Y/N."
Her words felt light-hearted, I laughed in reply, "I never did anything as a friend, while you have, a lot of times. All those especially, when I felt like a failure through the case, you helped to cheer me up."
"Your fail means mine as well. And we ain't obviously failing. After we almost got them at that hotel, then now all these clues coming in-"
"That optimism of yours is fresh, not everyone has it."
"Why do you sound so weird? Don't be disheartened. You've already been in this field before me and did a great job throughout. Brighten up! If not you, who else!" That momentary ovation crossed a quick smile on my face.
"I never knew you are cute as well. You remind me of a friend, Liza. She's just like you."
"You said you don't have a friend? Then whose name is this now?"
"We used to be somewhat close, but haven't been in touch in a while. Just...time passed by"
"I see."
"Yeah."
"But don't fall upset like that. Everything is going so well now, this isn't the right time while you're handling as the lead charge in here, right undercover. And also, your idea to trick BTS with their own system worked the perfect way, Jimin helped along so great. And the-"
"It wasn't right to use him like that."
"Uh what? Sorry I didn't get what you were saying.'
One take of pause for self-justification replaced my thought to a question, "Was it right to use him like this?" Rather like, my thought was asking my own conscience. Momo seemed too bewildered by the way she didn't immediately reply, I assumed she didn't expect me at least to exaggerate morals this way. She muttered something on her own, then stopped. When she talked again, it was her usual voice but the past cheerfulness was gone, now was a manifestation of a serious mode, "Are you feeling guilty about this?"
I stayed silent. Momo waited for an answer, then added, "I see."
"Things have started to get to you again." She said.
"Something's wrong with him, Momo."
"Something's wrong with you too, I think."
"He probably has grown feelings for me."
"That's great. That's what we want."
"That's what I..." My tongue slithered, "want...No."
A low sigh reverberated from the other side of the call. Momo spoke lowly, impatiently, "I wonder how you reached up to your rank when you fall easily for a guy. If all those stuff I have heard is not true."
Momo, of all, never I thought would think this way as well. But I had no calorie to burn to prove her wrong.
"It's okay, girl." She consoled me, "Yes, it was wrong in some way. But it was for the best. It will sow good crops later on."
I gave no reply, she continued to speak, "Think about what the group hasn't done yet, if only an act of betrayal can solve a case that links to so many other unsolved ones, then it's not called hypocrisy anymore."
She was always right. "Why am I even thinking twice about this?" This one thing irked me throughout the way so much - Jimin trusted me. He trusted me enough to share his story when even the department failed to find searching for his past background. When I didn't deserve it. A moment when he looked up at me, I saw worries, pure concern. Back then when he was fighting when it was a set up for me to get into their private space, I saw that effort of protecting at all costs in the tension of his muscles. Even that past moment with him in the dorm I saw him fighting with the trust issues, but he desired to give in. When he would know about this, that eye would not see me the same way anymore.
I jerked my head. So what? Why should it matter to me? Why should I care what way he saw me or not? Who was he? Stop, stop, stop, stop thinking about this.
It should be like - when I would walk back to the dorm, I know he wouldn't be looking at me back after today, knowing that I purposely pushed him and his feelings off, and I wouldn't look down in guilt for this.
"The partner plan did right. There isn't enough tension within BTS, they don't know or are even close to knowing who I am yet. This third person who they're working under...our double agent guy is directly linked to him. My intuition is lending me a few suspects, but I want to know first. Why he would do this? I do know he has some grudges one me."
"Who are you talking about?"
"I will tell you."
When I walked in, the lawn suddenly hit differently. Some weird intuitions were starting to kick me off. Pacing through the small lawn, I looked around for a quick glimpse. Everything looked so fine and at their place. The sky was crystal clear even a while ago, now the rushing hazy clouds turned to welcome the gray winter. First snow was perhaps tonight. Even excluding the influence from the dark clouds, a daunting dark spell as if prevailed somewhere, watching me over as I unconsciously took a halt. The house felt dead, was no one home yet?
I rang the doorbell, no one came to get the door. When I twirled the knob, it was unlocked.
The night was darker inside with the curtains all pulled together. The sudden amount of darkness seemed too intense to my eyes, I almost blindly walked in and closed the door. It went darker. "Is anybody home?"
My voice would hit onto something and return in a grave pitch reverberating in the room. But there was a presence. Of something. Weird something. I heard faint shifting movements, confused if it could be a play of doubtful mind. Only silence howled back otherwise, and roaring noise of pitter-patter waterdrops from an open tap somewhere.
Where did Jimin go too? At least he and Jungkook was home when I left. With that remembrance, I started to realize it had been a while since I left the place. I proceeded forward while bringing my phone out and went to the call section. My legs momentarily tripped onto something, I quickly stopped the fall. The object was foreign, I tried to conjecture what it was bringing the lit phone screen forth to take a view.
Gravy eyes shone first at the reflection. A face then gloomed to blue against the phone screen, gagged by mouth. Taehyung.
"Wh-?" Before I could retreat, something hard struck my backhead. A metallic clink reached my ears, the faint sounds heard from before now banged clearer to guess short before I fell onto the ground. There was more than one commotion. Mumbles of a groan escaped my mouth. Taehyung was staring at me in the dismal blue, his eyes trying to communicate, but mine went dark.
A/N: Can I say, Y/N, heck with your job, just go and kiss Jimin already...