James stared at the dialogue box in front of him in disbelief. "A uniform system? What kind of dumb idea is that? I could just grab the uniform off of one of the bodies all around me if I wanted to pretend to be a soldier!"
James sat up and folded his hands together in a fist like how some people pray. He rested his head over his folded hands and closed his eyes. "Let's think this through. I was on my way to meet Mary and then a meteor appeared in the sky. It chased after me before slamming into my back. I passed out and woke up here. Right. Perfect. I know exactly what's going on now. I'm in a looney hospital. Everything around me is my imagination. I'm in a strait jacket murmuring to myself while my parents look at me sadly from behind a one-way visible glass wall. This is clearly the logical conclusion…"
James continued to be lost in his own thoughts. He had a habit of thinking this way whenever he didn't know what to do.
"SQUAK" James heard a loud sound and opened his eyes only to see a black bird over 3 feet big heading towards him.
"Gahhh!!" James rolled away from the bird on the muddy ground and scratched his left arm against a discarded sword. "Fuck, this isn't a goddamn dream! Fuck, shit, damn!". James covered his left arm with his right hand while stumbling away. He turned back to see the bird feasting on the dead body that earlier had the honor of serving as James worst blanket ever.
James continued to walk the deserted battlefield while murmuring to himself. "Why God why! Did you want to cockblock be so bad you had to send me to another world to do it? You couldn't have sent me to a world where I wake up with a nude cat-girl on top of me? Noooo, you had to send me to a world where a big bloke with one big arm and a hole in his stomach is on top of me! God please send me home! I've always been devout. I go to church at least once every year… okay once every 10 years… So, I've only been to church once, but I planned to go again when I turn twenty, honest!"
James wandered and talked to himself for close to an hour when he saw smoke off in the distance. He could see a red flag with a black drake on it in the distance. There was a camp surrounded by tents. But that was less noticeable than the giant fucking dragon curled up in front of the camp! It had thick black scales and 2 long horns on its head. It was a western dragon and every time it breathed out its nostrils smoke rings appeared.
James stared in disbelief at the size of the dragon. "Things a fucking absolute unit! I couldn't stumble upon the camp with blue trees as their flags! Nope! Dragon city for me! I'm never buying lottery tickets again. I definitely rolled a 0 on the luck stat."
By now the sun had set and the battlefield was covered in darkness. The only light to be seen was from the dying embers of the battlefield, the stars in the sky, and two moons in the sky. One moon was dark red like blood while the other was dark green with shades of blue. The dark green moon looked much like how a planet would and James couldn't help but wonder if there was life on that moon.
James stared back at the dialogue box asking him to pick a uniform.
[Currently enough energy to create one low-level uniform. Please select a uniform:]
1. Common soldier uniform – BlueWoods Kingdom
2. Common soldier uniform – Drake Kingdom
At this point he felt he had no other options. He used his finger to select option two. There was a bright flash of light. He saw a screen appear in front of him and heard a voice in his head.
[Scanning. Current appearance is as follows:]
James saw a 3D image of himself in a T-pose like a videogame character that glitched out. He had short black hair and dark green eyes.
[Initializing Drake Kingdom common soldier uniform. Adjusting appearance. Height increase by 2 inches. Hair set to dark red. Muscle size increased. Shoulder width increased.]
James stared in shock as he felt his body increase in size matching with the screen in front of him. His build changed from that of a fit lanky actor to an American football jock. The creaking noises his body made were uncomfortable to hear but there was no pain during the process.
[Body adjustments complete. Updating uniform.]
James saw his uniform change from that of the suit he was wearing into a red and black tunic. He had chainmail armor on that felt way too heavy for him. James struggled to keep standing while looking at his appearance on the screen in front of him. He looked nothing like his previous self. His pale white skin was now a dark tan color. His black hair had turned red. Most importantly of all… "WHY AM I SO FUCKING UGLY?!"
James face looked like a grizzly bears face was shaved and then lost a fight with a can opener. "Oy, system! What the hell! Can't you make me a good-looking soldier? Why even change my appearance in the first place? I demand a redo!"
[Request denied. Ideal common soldier disguise was optimized for drake kingdom. New options available:
- Energy
- Upgrades
- Uniforms]
"Ugh. I'll deal with this crap later." James saw a red X button and pressed it to close the system window. "Time to sneak into that camp. Hopefully I can figure out where the hell I am and how to get to the nearest city."
James walked towards the camp. His legs trembled, and his breathing pace increased when he got near the giant dragon. He felt cold sweat dripping down his back. As he got near, the dragon lifted its head and glanced at him. It almost looked like it had a sly grin on its face. Once James got closer the dragon took a deep breath and breathed out towards James!
"Ahh!!" James crouched and covered his head in fear. He felt some hot air approaching him. "If I knew I'd die a virgin this way I would have hired a hooker!" He felt the hot air blow by him… but then nothing else happened. James took a deep breath and opened his eyes.
*Cough cough* James broke out into a coughing fit and his eyes watered. The dragon had only breathed smoke on him. He looked at the dragon only to see it chuckling to itself "Gah, hah, gah!". James stared in disbelief. "This is even more unbelievable than everything else that's happened so far… Mom, I got punked by a fucking dragon!"
"GAHAHAHA" James heard a loud laugh and turned to look. A middle-aged man with messy black hair and a big black beard was laughing at him. James gave the man the stink eye and walked past him into the camp.
James looked around the camp. Orderly tents were set up in rows. There were several bonfires with animals roasting over them. Men were cheering and drinking in large groups. James thought to himself, "They appeared to be celebrating their victory?" James walked over to the nearest bonfire and sat down. An old man near the fire saw him and walked over. He handed him a giant drumstick that looked like chicken. The man spoke "@$%@^&#$#"
It was at this moment where James realized… he fucked up! "Shit! I don't speak their language! Shitty system can't you at least provide me a translator! Even my phone has a damn translator in it! Okay it's fine. Keep your cool James. You've pulled bigger stunts than this!" James glanced at the man speaking to him. The man looked at James waiting for a reply.
James pointed to his ears to indicate he couldn't hear. Then he put his arms into a big X to show he couldn't hear. He started making up a fake sign language pretending he was deaf! He made a bunch of hand gestures such as putting his hands together with 1 finger pointing up! He kept changing hand gestures rapidly. The man watching him seemed to get the idea and walked away. James sighed to himself in relief "Good thing I used to watch Naruto! I knew those hand signs I practiced in my weeaboo days would help my acting career some day! Hold your applause please. Really! Really! You're all too kind. It's too early for me to win my 2nd Oscar!"
James chuckled to himself at his fantasies and bit into the drumstick the man handed him. It was juicy and covered in oil. It had a smoked taste and James devoured it like it was going to run away. He licked his fingers and smiled, "I'm not sure if that was chicken or tasted like chicken but damn that was good!"
James felt thirsty after the meal and stood up to go get a drink. He was halfway towards the beer barrel when three guards ran up to him pointing their spears at him. They we're yelling at him in a language he couldn't understand "@$%@^&#$#!!!" James stared in confusion and he saw the old man who tried to speak to him earlier pointing at him.
James spoke out loud to himself "Fuck! I'm caught. I'm so dead! Mom, Dad I'm sorry! I won't be able to take care of you in your old age. I probably would have failed as an actor and mooched off you guys until you kicked me out at thirty anyways so it's probably a good thing… but it's my thought that counts right!?"
One of the guards gave an order and James felt a blow to the back of his head. His vision immediately turned black and he fell to the ground.
*Drip drip drip* James heard a dripping sound. His back hurt and he felt like he was lying down on concrete. He slowly opened his eyes only to see total darkness! He was blind! James sat up in panic and then saw he was in a dark dirty jail cell. "Oh, thank god, I'm not blind!" James had been curled up in the corner so when he first opened his eyes all he saw was the dark prison wall.
James glanced at his surroundings. The prison seemed to be made up of some type of stone. There were no windows and it was almost completely pitch black. The only light came from a dripping candle outside of the prison bars. He looked at his own cell and there was nothing. No food, water, or hay. Just walls and prison bars.
The dripping sound continued but James couldn't locate it. He sighed at his helplessness and decided he might as well check out the new system options from earlier. Maybe it could help him escape his current predicament?"
Suddenly James realized, "I can't see the system!? I closed it earlier!" James looked all around but couldn't see the system anywhere. "Maybe it's voice activated?"
With that thought in mind James spoke out loud "System on!" Nothing happened… "System start?... System display?... Open sesame?... Go go System!?" James screamed in frustration "Fuck! Nothings working!"
James rubbed his closed eyes with his thumb and index finger in frustration. When he opened them again he saw the system display in front of him. "You've got to be kidding me?" James closed his eyes and rubbed them again with his fingers. When he opened his eyes, the system was gone. After repeating this a few times, he confirmed this was the way to open and close the system.
James sighed, "Is it too much to ask for a user manual? Or an intelligent system I can ask questions? Or a brand-new sports car with two hot models that are all over me while I win an Oscar!?" James glanced at the three options the system presented him.
[Options available:
- Energy
- Upgrades
- Uniforms]
James selected the [Uniforms] option first. It listed the Drake Kingdom common soldier uniform he was currently wearing. There were no other uniforms available, but there was a button for unequipping the uniform.
Next, James checked the [Upgrades] option. There were many options listed, but four caught James immediate attention.
[ 1. Increase System Intelligence
2. Interdimensional Storage
3. Map
4. Universal real-time translator]
James almost cried to himself when he saw the translator option. He complained to himself, "Past me! Why did you not look at the options before going to the camp? Why must you always make things difficult for me? It is always I, present me that pays for your dumb mistakes. Why can't you be more like future me who will definitely be strong, popular, and surrounded by hot babes?"
James excitedly selected the translator option only to receive a message.
[Insufficient energy for upgrade. Request denied!]
"Fuck! No, this is okay. There's an Energy option. I'll check that out, upgrade the system for a translator and talk my way out of this mess. Then I'll find the nearest pub, order a nice cold pint, and wait for this whole mess to blow over!"
James pressed the system option [Energy] A display came up that showed the number 0. "I guess that uniform I selected earlier used what little energy I had. Was that energy a starting bonus?" The system displayed some text beneath the number.
[Energy is used for uniform purchases and system upgrades. To increase energy levels please feed the system uniforms. The higher quality the uniform the more energy levels increase.]
James stared at the prompt with his mouth wide open. He yelled "Someone is definitely screwing with me! What kind of shitty system relies on uniforms for energy!? Is this a joke??? Where am I even supposed to find uniforms in this shithole jail cell?! Why didn't you tell me earlier when I was on a battlefield surrounded by dead people in uniforms huh?!?!"
James screamed and madly jumped around the prison cell. If a guard was present, they would surely think he was a raving lunatic. After a few minutes James finally calmed down. He sat down with his hands folded in a prayer position. He rested his head on his hands and closed his eyes. "It's okay James. The heavens always leave a way. There is definitely a solution to this. Be calm. Think calm. What would Jesus do? Walk on water? Make wine? No this isn't helping. Wrong train of thought. Think, think, think… I've got it!"
James slammed his right fist into his hand in a gesture to indicate success. "I'll turn the common soldier uniform into energy and use that to unlock the translator. They won't recognize my regular appearance and then I'll talk my way out of this!" With that thought in mind James selected the option to feed the system uniforms. It was a button that looked like a mouth. The system display turned into a black hole and spoke:
[Please insert uniform into system to increase energy levels]
James stripped down to his birthday suit and stuffed the guard uniform into the hole. He was a little confused why he still looked like the tan-skin red-haired soldier after taking the clothes off. "I thought I would return to my normal pale-skin black-haired appearance after taking off the uniform. Oh well, I'll worry about that later." Then the system displayed a message.
[Error. Uniforms that are a part of the system cannot be used to increase energy levels. Returning uniform.]
A light flashed, and the uniform was back on James body as if he never took it off. James stared in disbelief for a second and then yelled at the top of his lungs "GOD FUCKINGGG DAMNNNITTTT!!!!!"