WHEN I WOKE up, the citrusy scent that was becoming more and more familiar to me teased my nostrils, and the weirdly calming sound of spring rain pattering on the window was muffled as if by cotton wool.
The hard, smooth surface beneath my head was rising and falling slowly, and the arms curled around me were so warm and safe. If I really listened, I could hear a steady thud of a heartbeat under my ear.
I blinked my sleepy eyes open a few times, my body unwilling to wake up. It was just so cozy and peaceful here . . .
When Noah's messy room came into view, the weak daylight trying to push through the drapes, I woke right up.
And then I realized exactly what I'd done, and my pulse picked up in a panic.
I'd slept with Lee's big brother. With Noah.
I was too confused to know what I really felt about this. All I knew for certain was that if Lee ever found out, it would kill him. I was a horrible, horrible person.
I tried to stay as still as possible so I didn't wake him up. I needed to sort my mind out, before he—
He moved underneath me, stretching out before dropping his arms back around me again. 'Morning,' he said casually.
'I – I really should get going,' I stammered, already pushing his arm away. 'If Lee sees me here—'
'I don't think he came home last night, actually,' Noah said, and yawned.
I wanted to go to the window and check for his car. If Lee really was here, then I'd have to make sure he didn't see me leaving. But if he wasn't here . . .
'I should go,' I said again, and scrambled to my feet. I picked up my underwear, pulling it all on quickly and very, very self-consciously.
Oh man, what had I been thinking last night? Hiding a few kisses from my best friend was not such a big deal – but this? Surely he'd know that something was different? And if he found out . . .
I hadn't been thinking of Lee last night. I should have done. But I'd only thought about Noah – it hadn't once entered my mind that this was some kind of horrible betrayal of my best friend.
'Why are you in such a rush?' Noah asked, stretching out lazily again.
I looked down at him, stepping into my jeans now. Where I'd thrown off the covers, he hadn't bothered to pull them back over himself. 'I – I just – it's . . .'
Noah frowned, a little confused, and pulled himself up to be closer to me, now that I'd sat down on the bed to untangle my foot from the leg of my jeans. I cursed myself for rushing so much; it was only slowing me down.
'Elle?' He brushed my hair over my shoulder, but I didn't look at him. 'What's up?'
'N-nothing!' Damn, I stammered. That would've been convincing otherwise. I tried again. 'Nothing.'
'Elle . . .' He touched my shoulder, turning me a little so I could look into those amazing blue eyes boring into mine from under all that dark hair.
'I have to go,' I said again. I went to stand, but he pulled me back down.
'Not until you tell me what your problem is. Why am I getting a bad vibe here, like you regret this?'
I nearly exploded with the truth, but I managed to stop myself. 'I – I don't.'
'Come on, Shelly, I know when you're lying to me.' He sighed. 'I should've known you'd be like this.'
'Like what?' I questioned, immediately defensive.
'Like this,' he said, gesturing at me like it explained everything. 'You're acting all weird with me now – like you regret it. Because you do regret it: I can see in your face.' He closed his eyes for a moment. He looked almost . . . upset.
'I don't . . . It's not that I regret it so much as . . . I'm just scared. In case Lee finds out. He'll hate me. I mean it was – amazing, but—' I broke off and bit the inside of my cheek as I blushed. 'I'm sorry.'
'What? God, no, don't apologize,' he said quietly, sweeping my hair all over my right shoulder. 'I feel like I should be the one to say sorry. Look, I told you, I wasn't in this for sex, and I'm still not, if you decide you don't want to. Okay? I just don't want to give this up. Whatever "this" is.' He kissed my temple. He looked so – so torn up about it. 'You know I hate all that emotional crap. Please don't put me through all that torture.'
I definitely didn't regret last night. And as long as Lee didn't know, it couldn't hurt him. So I just had to make sure he didn't find out.
It would've been smart to end things before I got in too deep to dig myself out. It would've been smart to back out before I did something stupid – like fall for him. Because I wasn't falling for him. Of course not. No way. And I wouldn't.
I nodded once, as though I was reassuring myself of that fact.
I would just have to be careful not to fall for him. And, stupid as it was, I wasn't going to end this relationship. I didn't want to.
Then I leaned forward to give Noah a soft kiss on the lips; where his hand touched the back of my neck, my skin felt tingly.
'I really should get going,' I said to him. Not so much because I wanted to get out of there, but because I didn't want Lee to suspect anything when he got home, and because my dad would wonder where I was.
But this time Noah didn't argue. He just nodded and kissed me again. 'Okay.'
And this time, I actually did leave.
I found out that Lee hadn't actually gone home with Rachel like I'd first assumed; he'd actually just crashed on Warren's sofa because he was too tipsy to drive himself home. I only spoke to him on the phone though, afraid he'd see something was different about me. I knew I didn't look any different after last night, but I was worried that he would notice anything shifty about my behavior.
'Is everything okay?' I jumped. We were on the phone, but I still tried not to look too flustered. 'I mean, I know there was that thing with Patrick, then Noah dragging you off after, but . . . you sure you're okay about it?'
'Yeah,' I said. At least I could answer that honestly. 'Yeah, I'm fine, Lee, seriously. It was no big deal, really.'
I wasn't looking forward to school though. All the questions people would ask about me leaving early . . . They'd probably wonder about me and Patrick, and me and Noah . . . I could come up with an innocent answer easily enough, but I hated having to lie. I was dreading it all.
That's not why I was wide awake at three in the morning though, staring at my ceiling and willing sleep to find me. No – I was awake because I couldn't stop thinking about Noah.
I wanted to confide in Lee, but I couldn't. Not just because he'd hate me for lying to him and it'd kill him to find out, but also because it would be downright weird to tell him I'd slept with his brother.
Times like this, I wished my mom was still around. But wishing wasn't going to bring her back, so I just rolled over onto my side and stared blankly ahead.
I missed having Mom around. But she died in a car accident when I was much younger, and when Brad was around three. I grew up through all those important stages – like getting my first period and buying my first bra – without having her around. It's just times like this . . . Well, I was hardly going to confide in my dad, was I? And Lee was out of the equation completely.
So I'd have to keep it to myself and hope nobody found out.
I sighed and ran my hands over my face. My eyes were drooping but I couldn't fall asleep. My mind was too restless.
Stupid Noah. Everything was his fault, I thought, but a drowsy smile played on my lips.
Everything.