Love: an intense feeling of deep affection.
*
The mix of emotions that rested in my stomach was equally nauseating to me.
"I got accepted," she had told me, "They want me in New York for the summer programme."
"When would you go?"
The pause. That pause she held for a moment too long is what cemented the illness, the dread that enveloped me so suddenly and completely.
"By the end of the month," was her answer.
"That's only two weeks away."
"Yep…"
I laid beside her that night in my bed. Somehow, she managed to sleep, a peaceful, unburdened look on her face as she snuggled into my shoulder, her hand blindly reaching for me and bunching a fistful of my shirt on my chest. I shifted slightly, pulling her closer and resting my cheek against her forehead.
I gritted my teeth, feeling my jaw clench as I held her tighter, soon I felt that I was trembling.
"Landon?" Alexis' voice murmured, "What're you doing?"
I loosened my hold on her, pulling away slightly as she replaced her head on the pillow beside me. She sounded so close to sleep, I didn't want to wake her. "Nothing, sweetheart. Go back to sleep."
"You sure? You…" she yawned, "feel tense."
I reached forward and gently stroked her cheek, the motion making her smile as she gave my finger a tired kiss before rolling over. "It was just a weird dream," I started, shuffling closer and draping an arm over her.
Her hand loosely found mine and interlocked our fingers, in her tired state humouring my words. "Yeah?"
I snuggled closer to her, resting my face against her hair. "Yeah… I was riding on my bike down a steep hill when the ground started to break away beneath me." She murmured something indistinct. "And I started falling into this weird darkness. Gave me a big fright." Before I could finish my fake dream, Alexis had already fallen back to sleep, her hand limp in my own.
I wondered for a second how fake my fake dream was. I felt like I was falling into a weird darkness, some weird unknown, and I didn't know where it ended or how long I'd be falling for, if I had jumped or was pushed, or if I could pull myself out.
These thoughts lingered in my mind, their influence too loud for me to just ignore. I pulled my arm away from Alexis, managing to wriggle free of her touch to get up from my bed with minimal disruption. I picked up my laptop from the desk and walked to the kitchen.
My eyes stung from the glow of the laptop as I turned it on, considering the time as I pulled up my SKYPE account.
My Dad should be awake now, and hopefully would answer my call.
The ringtone sounded, a strange panic setting in my stomach as I waited for it to ring out, half expecting my Dad not to answer. The screen changed and a pixelated monstrosity formed on the screen, after some buffering, a familiar face appeared on the screen.
"Hey buddy!" their voice was an equal pixelated mess.
"Hi Dad."
"I wasn't expecting a call from you," he said, adjusting something on the camera and somehow clearing the image further. I didn't know where my Dad was, but I assumed it was somewhere dry again. He was dressed in his tan coloured clothes and, despite the wide rimmed hat, his face was a sun-kissed red and shiny. He had tanned significantly since the last time I had seen him, and his once stubble was now turning into a proper beard. "What time is it for you?"
I rubbed the back of my head, "Close to two in the morning."
My Dad blinked at my statement, a concerned look forming as he sat down in his chair, taking off his hat as he considered me, "Something wrong, bud?"
Having my Dad ask me somehow overwhelmed me. My eyes started to sting as the beginning of tears formed. I tried to cover my face, my hand covering my mouth to smother any potential whimpers while I composed myself.
I hadn't shared this much of my life with my Dad since we first left Windmill Lake permanently. It just wasn't an established part of our relationship. But the more I spoke, the more I explained what was going on, with Alexis and our little relationship agreement, with New York, with school, with everything that's happened to the girls, the threats, the families, the prejudice. And my Dad nodded, at times looking shocked by what I said but maintaining an air of understanding while I continued.
"…and now she's got this opportunity to go off to New York for an art programme she's been talking about for a few weeks now, and… I…" I rubbed my eyes, determined not to actually cry, "I don't want her to go, but I don't want to stop her from doing this. I don't want to be the reason she doesn't do this."
My Dad nodded, adopting a focused expression as he considered my situation. "Do you have any advice?" I sniffed, "I'm really lost at the moment, and I… I don't know what to do about it."
My Dad stayed in his thinking pose, so long I thought maybe the screen was frozen and he hadn't heard a single thing I had said, but soon he spoke up, "This is a difficult, buddy," he admitted. We both understood I couldn't just drop everything and go to New York with Alexis, I had things going on as well, sporting careers perhaps, maybe college for myself, things I could only achieve if I stay here at White Winter Prep.
Alexis didn't have anything here, she had to leave if she wanted to pursue art in the capacity she was going to. And I felt awful that I wanted to stop her.
"You and Mum aren't married," I rubbed my eyes, "But you guys planned to, right? How did you two do this? Do what you're doing?"
My Dad chuckled and could only offer a shrug. "To be honest buddy, I'm not even sure. It's just a matter of being there, being patient, being committed to each other. Your Mother and I always intended to get married, we knew this for a fact almost the moment we met each other, but like you we had career things in the works, we still do." My Dad ran his hands through his longer hair, sighing as he tried to find the right words for my situation. "Ultimately, son, it depends on what you two are willing to do. Alexis sounds like a wonderful girl, but if she's not willing to try and maintain your relationship while working on her own career, then it's not worth maintaining, buddy. Not just for you, but for her as well."
I sighed, "You're not really making me feel better here, Dad."
He laughed as he rehatted himself. "I'm serious. Do I just not fight for this? Am I supposed to just let her go?"
My sombre words halted my Dad's amusement, as he sighed again. "Buddy. Truthfully? If you love her as much as you seem to, don't stop her from pursuing something this important to her. If you want to be with this girl, then be with her, find ways to stay in each other's lives, even if it means putting your relationship on hold until something more manageable comes up." My Dad leaned forwards, I could feel that he wanted to pat me on the back, offer some sort of comfort of touch, but he was thousands of milometers away. "To be cliché, if it's meant to be, it'll be. If you both want this, you will both find ways to do this, buddy. Your Mum and I are a weird case, but we've agreed to invest in a relationship like ours. We understand what it means and are willing to deal with the type of hurdles we have."
I felt close to crying, and my Dad seemed to notice. He sighed, shaking his head, "You two need to discuss that sort of stuff, buddy. I can't give you an answer for this. I'm sorry."
My breath trembled, my fingertips curling on the wooden dining table. My Dad tried to comfort me as best he could over a screen, apologising that he was so far away and couldn't be here for me. "I know this is hard, Landon," he soothed, "I'm still here to talk, as long as you need me."
"What about work?" I sniffed, wiping my puffy eyes, "Isn't it the middle of the day?"
"I can set aside time for you. I'll even call Mum up, maybe she'll have a better answer for you then your old man." He laughed awkwardly at his attempted jive, the hope managing to make me smile as we spent ten minutes trying to include Mum in the call. The conversation overall finishing late into the pre-morning.
*
Somehow, we had made it almost the whole two weeks without discussing it. When I tried, she'd change the subject, and when she tried, I would somehow shut it down.
But now we had no distraction, no way of avoiding the subject.
We sat on the hillside out the back of the dormitory, her leaning into my shoulder, the two of us embracing as we sat in silence.
"Are we going to talk about it now?" I asked as she played with our interlocked hands.
She stayed silent for a second, before saying, "I'd rather not."
"But we should." I wasn't going to budge this time, I couldn't. She leaves tomorrow afternoon and we hadn't said a word to each other about it.
Clearly uncomfortable with it, she sat up straighter, pulling her hand from mine and slouching forwards to keep away from me.
"Don't be immature about this, Alexis," I snapped.
She scoffed, "I'm being immature?"
I nodded, "Yes. You're about to pick up and leave for New York and I'm gonna be stuck here at White Winter Prep for another year. We need to talk about that."
Alexis hugged her head to her arms, her breathing hitched as she curled closer to herself. "Can't we just hold onto what is here? Right now? Do we have to make it so depressing?"
I was taken aback by her phrasing there, that tight feeling in my chest forming again. "Alexis, do you want to break up?"
Putting it out there was like getting slapped with a stale fish. I was stunned at suggesting it, and Alexis turned her head, her eyes widened with surprise at the notion. "I don't…" her words were a murmur I could scarcely hear.
"What?" I was louder then intended.
She shook her head, attempting to stand, "I don't want to deal with this right now."
"Alexis! No!" I snatched her hand and pulled her back down, stunning her as her legs gave way and she landed in front of me. "I need to hear this, right now," my voice wobbled, and now more then ever, I didn't want to cry, not in front of her, not for something this important.
Alexis' eyes welled with tears as she relaxed, sitting back down, her pale eyes staring at the ground between us. "I don't want to, Landon, but what else would you have us do?" she countered, "I'll go away and be surrounded by all these new people, and you'll be here surrounded by the same people. I won't expect you to come down to New York every weekend, just as you wouldn't expect me to come down here every weekend, so I don't know what to, Landon."
My hand loosened around her wrist, until I was just holding her hand, our touch light against each other. "You don't want to try long distance?" I asked, "You don't think it'll work."
"I don't think it's realistic," she admitted, wiping her eyes, "And I think it's unfair, for both of us. I don't want what we have now to turn into something we grow bored of, or something that makes us loathe the other. I don't want everything that matters between us to get completely discounted because of a stupid arts programme."
"And the arts programme is what you want," I added, drawing circles on the back of her hand, "More than me."
Alexis' eyes grew wide, the welled tears dripped down her face, her lower lip quivering. "No…" she shook her head, an angered spark forming behind her eye as she spat, "Don't you dare go there, Landon."
I sniffed, "Or else what? You'll have to admit that you don't want to try?" Where was this anger coming from? Why, of all times, was I willing to say this now?
Alexis shook her head, pulling her hand from mine. "Looks who's being immature now," she commented, rubbing her eyes a final time as she stood up, "It's not that I don't want to try Landon, it's just…" She shook her head, losing her wording before firmly saying, "I'm not going to talk to you while you're like this. We'll both end up saying some hateful things to each other and I refuse to have this be our freshest freaking memory."
With that, she turned and marched down the hill towards the dorm, leaving be alone at the top of the hillside. I could feel my teeth grinding against each other, clenched so hard they were hurting my gums. My tears of frustration became too strong as I fiercely rubbed my eyes, regret filling me as I watched her open the back gate and disappear from sight.
*
For the next few hours, we didn't speak much. And I couldn't tell if it was good or bad that we didn't. We almost acted like we had never had that spat, Alexis didn't seem grumpy towards me. When we were around the others, she was nice, sitting next to me, resting her head on my shoulder during post-dinner TV, had conversations and few laughs with the girls, but to me, nothing.
There was no objection when I followed her up the stairs and into her room, and for the most part we spoke very little while she packed the last of her things and I assisted her.
I felt like I had my answer.
Alexis didn't want to, but we were breaking up.
This was our last night together.
The final zip of her bag felt like a hit to the chest as adjusted the suitcase to see if anything would fall out. Alexis sat on the edge of her bed, playing with her thumbs, while she listened to me roll her bag to the other bags she had by the door.
"What's happening with all your paintings?" I asked, gesturing around the room.
"The school's gonna have them back," she explained, "Just to bulk up some of their works in the classrooms and have something to show-off I guess."
I nodded, wandering over to her and sitting beside her.
The silence, this time, was agonising. I felt I was in physical pain.
"No," I said when the quiet grew too much, "No. Get up."
Alexis frowned, "What?"
"Get up. I'm not spending our last night in pity. We're going to do something," I declared.
Alexis obeyed, standing but asking the important question. "Like what?"
I faltered slightly, clearing my throat as I tried to think of something at such short notice. "I dunno. Anything you want to do?"
Alexis chuckled at my unpreparedness and shrugged, "I know it's late but, want to go to Windmill Lake? Take in the scenery one last time?"
I perked up, grasping her hands in mine and holding them tightly, "Sounds like a great idea!" I tugged her forwards, over enthusiastically pulling her to the door.
With her on the back of my bicycle, we glided down the dirt roads of the pine forest as we headed into town, the cool night air mixed with the earthy scent a brilliant distraction for us. I felt Alexis' hands on my shoulders occasionally as she stood up on the petals, arching her upper body to the night sky and occasionally cheering in bliss. I took glances over my shoulder to watch her, to see her blind eyes reflect the speckles of starlight above us.
I was happy how clear the night was, how almost perfect the canvas of stars was at lighting the way without a torch. The streets at this time were bare of most people, aside from the occasional outdoor restaurant seats with people sharing a bottle of wine and late-night dog walkers.
The air was cooler along the lake then it was in the town or in the forest, and the starlight seemed much brighter reflecting off the water. The grass was colder than that on the hill behind the dorm, and it was overall nicer to be in then Alexis' growingly empty bedroom.
We sat by one of the windmills, the drone of the device somewhat comforting, as we looked out to the water. After a few minutes, the light somewhat got darker, making it difficult to see for me.
"I've done some research on New York," Alexis informed, "So far all I've learnt is that it's gonna be loud, and crowded, and cultured as heck."
"What're your living arrangements again?" I asked, lying back on the grass.
"My Aunty lives in New York apparently," Alexis replied as she laid down beside me, "So for the next few months I'm able to crash with her. Otherwise the programme offers assisted living, which is always nice." She rolled on her side, so she was facing me, resting her head on her arm. "I don't want you to think that all this isn't because I don't want to try," she started, "Just like you don't want to stop me from doing this art programme, I don't want to trap you in a relationship that would stop you from being interested in more… present people, while I'm gone." She tucked her knees closer to herself as she continued, "I just don't think it's fair to hold onto something like this when even if we were to stay a thing for the year it takes you to graduate, you might not even end up in New York, and I might not leave New York during the programme." She reached forwards and rested her hand on my chest, I felt my heart beat against her palm. She forced a laugh, "I mean, unless you want to become nuns for the next four years."
I smirked, placing my hand over hers. "You've kinda ruined all my aspirations of being a nun."
Alexis and I shared a slow chuckle, each getting distracted by the gradual silence and the feeling of our hands together. I rolled over to face her as well, shuffling myself closer to just take her in again. Even in the dim light, I felt I could see everything, every gorgeous detail of her face, every glint in her eyes. I focused on anything there was to focus on, determined to take her all in as if it was the first time I was seeing her. Or would be the last.
Her soft expression slowly became troubled as she voiced, "You're really not going to tell me to stay?"
I felt my mouth go dry, the one syllable answer I managed being a choke, "No."
She cleared her throat, biting the inside of her cheek, "Why?"
I sighed as I laid on my back to stare back up at the stars, my hand still holding hers. "Truth? Because I love you too much to be the reason you don't do this."
I felt my heart skip a beat, my eyes widening at my confession. But Alexis either didn't notice or didn't care. "You're such an idiot," she mumbled as she came closer to me until she nestled her head on my shoulder.
I held her close to me, my hand still holding hers against my chest as I admitted, "Yeah… I guess I am."
*
From the moment I woke up, I felt like I was in pain. Pain in my chest, in my fingertips, in my toes, in my head.
Estelle had called her personal car to help drive Alexis and her things to the train station. While the girls were chatting away about this and that, Alexis and I spent the car ride in silence, her head resting on my shoulder, our hands interlocked on her leg.
The whole afternoon was a bit of blur in hindsight. In what seemed like the blink of an eye, we were at the train station, every conversation I was a part of was a drone of noise, every movement seemed unimportant.
Alexis was in the middle of farewelling everyone.
Ava and Robyn had maintained some composure, getting through the hug's goodbye and the wishes of good luck with dry eyes and a genuine smile, while everyone else, including Amada, teared up as they held her in an embrace, spluttered their words as they tried to say their goodbyes. Mia in particular seemed most affected by this, demanding an extra long hug and clutching so tightly to Alexis she had to be pulled off.
During these moments, Alexis' train arrived and Estelle's driver assisted in loading her luggage onto the train.
It was my turn, as it became abundantly clear when she stood in front of me. At first, neither of us made a move towards the other, opting instead to stand and stare.
When I did make the move, when we kissed, both our eyes strained to stay closed, to take in this moment. The kiss didn't prompt that spark I was anticipating, that moment that made one of us lose control or suddenly confess our feelings. It was just a kiss. A goodbye kiss.
When we finished our kiss, her arms wrapped around my waist and she pressed her head against my chest.
What's more tragic? The kiss goodbye or a hug?
The hug where you don't want to let go, because you know the moment that you do, it might be the last hug in a while, or at all. That hug that, in that moment, had you completely paralysed, at the mercy of the other person, where there's a moment when you can't breathe, or fear what a single breath can achieve.
Alexis clutched onto me, her hands grabbing fistfuls of my shirt as she snuggled her face into my chest. My hands rested on her back and placed my chin on her head, my eyes closing, watering, as I held onto her with what felt like a tight desperation.
But with no words, and little effort, she slipped through my arms and walked away. So easily, so simply. I didn't want to open my eyes. I didn't want to see what was happening. I didn't want to witness her get on that train and disappear.
I felt a hand hold mine, shocking me enough to watch the door close on Alexis. Watching those doors close was the final blow to my chest, stealing my breath from my lungs. I looked to my side and saw Robyn had taken my hand, a sympathetic but firm look pointed at me.
I managed to straighten my posture and sighed, finding Alexis in the windows as she took her seat.
Why was I so willing to let her get on that train with no objection? Why didn't I make more of a fuss? Long-distance relationships were a thing, my parents' relationship was a massive example.
What was stopping me from proclaiming my feelings at the top of my lungs? Mirroring the dramatic events in movies where the lovers are separated by fate, but one final confession would bring them back together? Solve all their problems?
This wasn't a movie.
This wasn't something that words could fix.
This wasn't something that that would be solved by an outburst.
I managed a shaky breath and lifted my hand to wave at her, even though she couldn't see me. But when I lifted my hand, I noticed I was holding a bell. Alexis' hand-bell.
My small movement prompted a gentle chime that caught everyone else's attention. All at once, everyone produced their own antique golden bells and rung them, our collective chimes filling the train station and causing strange looks from the strangers that passed us. At first, Alexis didn't notice, staring out the window with unacknowledging eyes, but as a chime got louder, she stood up and opened the small train window. Our dorms weird form of communication acting as a goodbye.
She reached her hand out and waved to us.
Our rings were drowned by the toot of the train as it started to roll down the rails. And just like that, Alexis was gone.