Ego: a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
*
I was trying hard to stifle my smile as I herded Amia into the backyard where the other girls were waiting. I had given her the ruse that I wanted to send a photograph to Amada so that he could see how much taller Mia had gotten since he had last seen her. "I figured since I'm taking pictures, it may as well be all of us."
The girls positioned themselves with Amia in the centre, each staring at my camera as I focused them in the frame. "Alright… Alexis can you lean further down please," I started, a second later, "Come on, Mia. As tall as you can for the photo." I watched Mia lift her chin and stand on her tippy-toes.
I watched as another figure fitted themselves in the picture, Ava giving away her spot next to Amia.
I couldn't suppress my grin as I said, "Amada, lean in a bit."
I captured the moments before and after Amia realised what I said. "Wait, Amada?" I had snapshots of her confusion, her turning her head, seeing her brother and the biggest smile forming on her face as she threw herself against him in a big hug.
"Amada!" she squealed.
Amada laughed as he caught his twin, picking her up and holding her tight. Amia was so overwhelmed she started to cry, relying heavily on Amada to keep her upright.
I had deflected a phone call from Mr Romano, who called to tell me that Amada's behaviour had been considered acceptable, even thrived, and they were confident in his ability to be sent home.
It wasn't until he was standing next to his sister that I realised just how much he had changed. In the month and a bit he had been gone, he had grown a few inches, no longer the same height as Amia, and his body had toned out, not drastically, just enough to eliminate all possibilities of his 'feminine' appearance. Also, his hair had been chopped off, not quite an army haircut which I had expected when he told me, but a somewhat regular boyish haircut.
Amia eventually pulled away, catching her breath as she hiccupped, "You're back."
He nodded, "I'm back."
Amia wiped her eyes, "Like, back as in today?"
He shook his head, "Like back as in back."
Amia covered her face as she tried to compose herself, making a few more shudders before punching his shoulder, "Why didn't you tell me you were coming back?"
The other girls hadn't had a good look at Amada since he got back that morning, and, aside from Alexis, couldn't help but stare. Mia was the only one brave enough to approach him, to which he picked her up and effortlessly rested her on his hip. "Blame Landon, he wanted to make it a surprise," he chuckled as Mia pulled on his now shorter hair.
"You cut it," she signed.
Amada chuckled nervously, "Not willingly but yeah. They had completely shaved it off on my first day, that was a nightmare. They let me grow it out a bit though. You like?"
Mia made a face and shrugged, "It's not bad."
Amada chuckled as he placed her back down. "You got taller," Ava commented, comparing heights with her own hand, "How did they manage that?"
Amada shrugged, "Couldn't tell you. Just kinda happened." As he spoke, Ava started pulling at his skin and examining his arms, her eyes widening as she gripped his arm.
"Holy smokes. What did they make you do to get these guns?" She pulled his sleeves up to show off his muscular arms, no longer thin and stick-like.
"A lot of drills and early morning stuff. It was really exhausting at first, but the more you complained, the more you had to do," he explained pressing his hand against his arm to check the muscle.
"I swear to God if you've got abs and toned biceps, I'm gonna die," Estelle remarked.
Amada chuckled nervously again, scratching at his head as he replied, "I wasn't there long enough to get stuff like that, unfortunately. Can you imagine the kinda chick-magnet I'd be then?" he joked.
The joke took us all of guard for a second, but we all chose to laugh. "It's good to have you back, brother," Amia said, putting an arm around him, "We missed you."
The girls all crooned in agreement.
When a silence settled, Bonnie spoke up. "Well, this is gonna get awkward," she announced as she made a single clap, "So, Amada, good to have you back. I'm going inside."
Bonnie started for the backdoor, not even giving Amada a glance over the shoulder as she went inside.
Ava chuckled, slapping him on the shoulders on her way past. "She's just embarrassed you're back after that kiss," she called as she started for the dorm as well, "Just give her a day, you'll see."
Robyn gave a small wave as she followed Ava inside. Mia eventually lost interest as well and wandered around the backyard in search of something to do. Estelle and Alexis stood next to me, the three of us wondering how the twins would interact.
They ignored us for a moment and just stood before each other, offering smirks to one another and silence. Slowly, I noticed Amia's discomfort in front of her brother, pocketing her hands as she sighed, "You look… different," she finally said.
Amada adopted a cobra stance as he answered, choosing to smile at the comment, "I certainly feel different."
Amia puffed out her cheeks, "A good different?" I could hear the uncertainty in Amia's voice, an uncertainty Amada didn't seem to pick up on.
"At first, I was a bit hesitant about the whole thing, but the whole experience kinda showed me that there actually wasn't anything wrong with me," he said, getting distracted by the dorm building as he spoke, "I mean, compared to the other boys in my quote-unquote 'unit' I was a saint. It was just a matter of just appeasing to what they wanted me to act like really."
Amia rocked on her heels, "And what was that, exactly?"
Amada dropped his arms, pressing his lips together as he shook his head. "Umm… How about we talk about something else?" he tried, a bright smile returning, "I got all your letters, sis. Sounds like a whole lot of stuff happened while I was away. What's this about another hospital visit?"
Amia cleared her throat and nodded, "Oh, yeah. It happened a few weeks ago now, it was crazy." She blinked, her own smile coming to her lips.
A long stretch of silence followed the twins again, Amada awkwardly tapping his fingers against his thighs.
Estelle rolled her eyes, "Oh my God, guys!" she groaned, "This is getting painful! Come on! We're going to do stuff!" Estelle scooped up the two of them and shoved them towards the house, exclaiming about all the stuff they were going to do while they tried to have a conversation.
Alexis sighed, resting her cheek against my shoulder, "Thank God she said something, 'cause that sounded like it was getting painful."
I nodded, looking down at the photos I had captured of the pair before it got so awkward. "Amada's really changed, Alexis. I don't think you'd recognise him."
She sighed, "Honestly? I barely do as is. His voice and speech have changed, he sounded like he carries himself differently. At first, I thought it was weird confidence," she voiced.
I hummed in thought as I looked back to the dorm. "We'll have to wait and see I guess," I countered, "Maybe it's just from being away for a while. Gotta get back into the rhythm, you know? See how much has changed."
Alexis linked arms with me, "Has a lot changed?"
I clicked my tongue and shrugged, "That's to be seen."
*
Amada's return to school was met with much more cheer then any of us anticipated. He had changed so much that some people didn't even recognise him, especially girls.
Some even went so far as to ask Amia who he was when she walked in with him.
At first, I didn't see it, but upon hearing that question countless times, I understood what they meant. Amada didn't look like a boy anymore, his face wasn't rounded, he wasn't considered short, he had better posture and spoke with heavier projection. When I looked at the twins, the ones who once upon a time were interchangeable, I could tell they were related, but I would've thought Amada was an older brother. And that's what everyone assumed.
Amada was also willing to be much touchier. Girls asked to feel the muscles he had gained, the maintained conversations with him were evident in their flirtatious intentions with him, and he was eating it up.
"Check it out," Estelle said, gracing me with her presence at lunchtime. I was sitting on the other side of a courtyard, Amada, Amia and their little group of giggly girls having lunch on the opposite side. "The gazelle is now the lion," she cooed, slipping next to me with a coy smile.
"You really saw Amada as a gazelle?" I pried.
She shrugged, "More of a floor mouse, but the metaphor doesn't fit as nicely."
"It doesn't fit overall," I countered.
She elbowed me, "You know what I mean. Amada was the one on the outside, now look: he's not keeping Amia from the outside." When she pointed it out I could see it, Amia was sitting three girls away from her brother on the edge of the small grouping that followed Amada around.
"This is weird," I admitted, seeing the amount of attention Amada was getting, "Like something from a teen drama."
Estelle's eyes lit up with the comparison as she agreed, "Yes. The dorky boy leaves and comes back a muscle man. Now all the rich girls want a piece of the new guy before he realises just how hot he's become."
The description put me off my appetite. "There are guys over there too," I commented.
"They just wanna be his friend," Estelle countered, "Amazing what a complete make-over can do to people's perception of you."
"He steals the spotlight from you, princess?" I asked.
She scoffed, "Yeah right. I make my own spotlight." She flicked her blonde hair as if that were enough of her point. "Besides, I've learnt not to link my worth with people's perception anymore."
I considered the statement for a while before shaking it off, choosing not to investigate it as I considered the scene. Amia was usually the social bug between the two, but the roles had switched entirely, I had never seen her look so uncomfortable by her classmates before.
When she found us across the yard, she immediately packed up her sandwich and stood up, not even noticed by her brother until she was halfway across the yard heading towards us. She sat down in front of me in silence and continued biting her sandwich, her mood unchanged as she ate her lunch.
A few minutes later, Ava and Robyn wandered over. "Lunch date?" Robyn asked, noting the dormmates at the same table.
"Not intentionally," Estelle answered, "But please. The moment you two join it will be."
Ava shrugged as she sat down, Robyn squeezing next to her, as she noticed Amia's demeanour. "You okay, Am?"
Amia offered a shrug, "I'm not enjoying hanging with Amada at the moment."
Ava looked to Estelle and me for a more definite answer, to which we only offered a silent gesture across the courtyard to Amada and his newfound popularity. Upon seeing it, Ava understood. "I get that. He's changed, stuff'll change with it."
Amia sighed, "I had expected him to change. Maybe go all human terminator on me or be a bit awkward, but that's like a completely different person over there."
The girls looked over to Amada in time to watch him laugh with the people he surrounded himself by, the group in deep conversation. "He seems happy," Ava stated, reaching for Robyn's fruit cup to help her open it.
Amia nodded, her eyes softening as she muttered, "I know. That's why I feel so bad." She glanced over her shoulder at Amada and sighed, "I feel like I got back a completely different person."
I puffed up my cheeks. "Amada was only gone for a few weeks. He's still in there, he's just forced to be a bit different," I informed, "I'm sure once the routine of the military is out of his system, he'll mellow out a bit, ya know?"
Amia bit the inside of her cheek and shrugged, "He shouldn't have to."
*
I didn't know how long it took for someone to mellow out of a routine, but it had been several days, and Amada hadn't mellowed out of his.
He woke up before me, he had finished his run and freshened up before I had even started my morning runs. He didn't eat certain meats, he used Ava's punching bag for longer then Ava did, he hadn't played any of his video games, or had a big online presence, and he kept confusing Estelle with military time instead of regular clock reading.
"What time is it?"
"1600."
"What?"
"Four in the afternoon."
He had gotten back into track, surprising Coach Morrison by his long-distance stamina increase, and surprising me when he got angry about his sprinting time shortening since the military camp.
And when I say angry, I mean he seemed genuinely angry. He was composed in front of Coach Morrison, but when track was over, and we were heading home, he went on about how he would have to train harder, how furious he was with himself for not maintaining his sprinting ability.
Amada spoke out more, and while respectful in most things he said, he was braver with what he commented on and cockier with what he said about things. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it was just jarring.
And, as I quickly found out, uncomfortable for the girls.
"I mean, what am I supposed to say to this?" Estelle asked one evening. "'Oh no, Amada, I think it's wonderful that you've filled out, and you're finding some semblance of happiness in your new situation, but can you go back to being the old you? The more dorky, feminine guy that was too nervous to talk to anyone and was riddled with anxiety?'"
The other girls shared smiles at Estelle's words.
"I don't know, he's kinda fun," Mia signed, "A bit show-offy but I like him."
"There's show-, and then there's offering to bench press you," Ava laughed.
"Oh, come on, guys, be nice," Alexis chimed in from the kitchen, she was looking for her favourite mug, a green goblin one with the handle being the goblin's nose. "He's been surrounded by nothing but testosterone for weeks on end, and then he comes home, and it is surrounded by and getting fawned by girls. Of course, he's gonna show-off a bit."
"But some of it is just ridiculous," Estelle said looking to her in the kitchen, "He flexes on us, his roommates! Constantly!"
"If he turns aggressive, then we should start worrying," Alexis stated, finding her cup, "And I'm talking a male-Ava level of aggressive, not just boasting at other guys like some puffy-chest bird."
The girls shared a giggle at Alexis' comment, all except for weirdly Amia and Bonnie. Bonnie sat at the head of the table, not objecting to anything they were saying, but clearly discomforted by what they were saying.
I furrowed my brows as I watched her reactions, she was biting her nails and scratching at her face and had a far-away look on her face, mimicking certain laughing tics when the girls were unusually loud. I didn't want to ask her straight up what was wrong in front of everyone, but before I could even breach the subject, my eye caught the outline of someone in the hallway.
I had been sitting in the lounge room during the whole gossip/complaining session, not engaging but listening.
Amada was in the hallway, and upon me telling the girls to stop, he disappeared down the hall.
"Damnit…" Estelle cursed, sliding down her chair.
Ava sighed as she crossed her arms.
Amia rolled her eyes, "Yeah, good one, guys." Despite the bite in her words, she didn't get up to comfort him, didn't even flinch.
Weirdly enough, it was Bonnie who seemed the closest to going after him, her hands gripping her wheels to move but ultimately stopping herself.
"I'll go," I informed, standing from the lounge and following him.
He wasn't in the hallway, so I checked his bedroom, which shocked me at the state it was in. When he initially left, a lot of his stuff was left behind, - posters, school supplies, dorky little iconic souvenirs like his backpack, his badge collection, a stack of gaming cards he had – but this was like a completely different person's bedroom.
Amia was always a cleaner person compared to Amada, but now no line in the room separated the two. Amada's side had replaced the Space Invader's themes sheets for plain white ones, which were tucked in with scary precision and tightness. All other bits of personality were tucked away or considerably less. His bookcase had no figurines on its empty space, his desk was bare of everything but his laptop, a pencil tin and his textbooks, he had a very officially framed picture of himself and Amia on his side table, and littered around the room were new clothes, some with the tags still attached to the collars. I saw his old things under his bed, on top of his bookcase, and little reminders that showed how much of a geek he was like mini-figures on the window sill, a calendar, and a water bottle.
I looked out the window and caught a glimpse of him moving through the fields behind the house.
I pursued him. By the time I had unlocked the gate and ventured out, he was out of sight. I started running, going in a straight line and scanning the trees for any sign of him. Eventually, I found him, sitting in a small clearing on a hill slant.
He was running his hands through the grass, his legs stretched as he arched his head and soaked in the sun. He must've heard me approach, as without looking he asked, "You the only one brave enough to make fun of me to my face?"
I scoffed, "No. With those arms, you could probably whoop my ass." Amada didn't react to my joke. I sighed, "They weren't making fun of you."
He scoffed, "Funny. Sounds like they were."
I smirked, "Amada, yes or no, was any of what they said untrue? Like really?" I asked as I sat next to him, "And don't lie, because I've seen what you've tried to pull with them since coming back."
Amada licked his teeth, a smile soon surfacing as he shrugged, "Okay fine, it's not all bullshit, but it's still hurtful."
I grimaced at the sun, trying to shade myself, with little success. Amada seemed unaffected by it, even having a moment of self-reflection.
"Hearing what they were saying," he started, "Reminded me of all the crap I had to deal with before I was sent away, all that anxiety that came with, ya know?" I offered a nod, not that he appeared to notice. "It's weird. I get sent away to fix myself, and then when I come back, everyone who matters to me is uncomfortable with who I am now."
"No one is uncomfortable with you," I countered, "You've just changed, and you look good, people have started to notice, you've started to notice. It's not a bad thing, it's just an adjustment period, you know? A-A learning curb."
Amada voiced a laugh. "Right." He paused, hesitating before saying, "I asked Bonnie out." I blinked at this information, looking at him while he continued to stare at the pine trees. "Finally built up the nerve, you know?" He hugged his legs to his chest and loosely hugged them, sighing as he added, "She said no because I'm not the person she likes anymore."
I couldn't withstand a grimace, rejection was never nice. "What does that even mean? I'm still me, I'm just better than before, right?"
I didn't answer.
Amada started to delve into hysterics. "I mean, I don't have the nerve to ask her out before because I'm just some spineless kid, and I ask her out now, and she thinks I'm trying too hard, or that I'm not the same person as I was before. That's the point! That's better! Why can't she see that?" He uncoiled himself, everything tensing up in his annoyance. "What is her preference? Is it just me?"
"Amada-"
"And it's not just that," he continued, "They're all being enormous hypocrites. They've all changed in the time I've been away. Mia seems happier, Ava and Robyn are legitimately dating now, Ashley quit track for some reason, the Delinquents pity me and hang out with everybody on the school grounds, Alexis has her own studio or whatever. Life went on while I was away, and everyone expected me to just stay the same when the whole bloody reason I was sent away was the change?"
I had expected Amada to get all teary eyes, maybe red in the face, but he overall appeared very composed, just annoyed.
"Anything I can do?" I offered.
He paused. "No. It's not your problems, it's there's." Amada stood and stretched his arms, loosening up his shoulders, "I'm going for a run. Be back in a bit."
I nodded, "Sure buddy."
He nodded, running down the hill and meeting the road at a steady pace.
I had never expected Amada to have changed in the weeks he had been away, at least so drastically. "Is this what you were looking for, Mr Romano?" I found myself saying aloud, my mumbles were taken away by the breeze. I sighed as I watched him disappear down the path, not worried about him as I got to my feet, turned to the dorm and walked back.