*** potentially required trigger warning***
Brat: a child, typically one that is badly behaved.
*
Before this year, I had only ever been at an ambulance scene twice. Once when I was seven, one of my little sisters had a seizure in the public playground, and when I had my first heart attack after the cycling meet.
This year alone had already doubled my ambulance experiences.
An ambulance had just packed away a limp Robyn, a police car at the scene to question Ava, me and some of the staff. Robyn's parents went with her to the hospital.
I had never seen Ava look so sick, so defeated before, and I can't blame her. If I had to cut my best friend down from a suicide attempt, I would be confused, hurt, depressed.
The police had given us blankets, when we asked nicely, they said one of them was willing to drive us to the hospital to see Robyn once everything here was sorted out.
I sighed, "I know now probably isn't the time to ask, but… do you have any idea why?" I asked.
Ava hadn't blinked in the time I looked at her. I was worried she was in shock. "Sometimes there isn't just one big reason…" Ava mumbled. When she breathed, her whole body trembled and the glass in her eyes turned to tears.
"Has she done anything like this before?" I wondered. To suddenly hang yourself wasn't something someone just up and does.
Ava pressed her lips together as she slowly shook her head, "Not like this."
I had never seen Ava so furious. In the time I've known Ava, I had witnessed all the classic stages of anger. There was the kind where she showed it, expressed it through words or simply walked away to avoid having an outburst. Another was when everything was unreadable, her voice was eerily calm, her body tensed, and she forced a smile. I had never thought there was anything outside of these two opposites, just that anything else she expressed was a variable of either.
But now, Ava was so mad that she looked exhausted. Everything was tensed, her teeth chattered, her red eyes welled with tears and she looked sick.
I reached for her, placing an arm around her and pulling her towards me. She started sobbing, leaning against me and sliding down until her face rested in my lap. I placed my hand on her back, unable to pick any words of comfort as I pulled out my phone, the others would want to know about this.
*
When we got to the hospital, Grace and Damien didn't object to everyone at the dorm coming to visit the next day. Everyone was shaken, and full of questions of why and if someone caused it.
Everyone had brought a present after Bonnie explained how hospital rooms were often so bleak.
When we arrived, Robyn was asleep, and we were told not to disturb her. Estelle was particularly excited to see Robyn's face when she woke, to see the flowers and stuffed animals and balloons everyone had brought.
It was unsettling seeing Robyn lying in the hospital bed with tubes and needles coming out of her arms. It was a scene I somewhat knew, but never enjoyed. The machine was beating with her heart, the bag dripped fluids into her arm and there was a thick gauze around her throat.
I remember seeing the initial red line around Robyn's throat, how red her eyes were, how pale everything else was. I imagined how bruised it would be now, how frail her voice would be if she could speak.
Ava hadn't spoken much since the day before, and when we got to the hospital room she stayed in the doorway while everyone else got comfortable in the various seats available.
"Umm Ava?" Grace was in the hallway, from her appearance alone she hadn't slept and was dressed in the same clothes as she was the previous night. "Might I have a word?"
I stood up from my seat when I heard this and went to follow, but Ava held a hand out to me, "It's okay, Landon."
I almost continued to follow but forced myself to stand and watch through the glass walls. The parents were talking to Ava, all three's body language closed off to each other, their mouths barely moving when speaking, but they weren't at each other's throats. Grace was talking, she shook her head once, overwhelmed as she took off her glasses and wiped her eyes. Damien continued speaking while Grace composed herself. There was more dialogue, then Ava shook Damien's hand, and Grace embraced Ava, much to her surprise.
"What's going on?" Alexis asked.
"I don't know," I confessed, "I think they're making up."
"Ava and the Penrose's?"
I nodded, "I'm hoping. Either that or Grace doesn't know how to strangle people."
Alexis scoffed in amusement. "Does she look bad?" she asked.
I took my eyes off Ava to consider Alexis' question. "Look bad?"
"All I can do is see the sound, hear the hospital's rhythm. I don't know what Robyn looks like, if it's worse then what I think or better," Alexis played with her hair as she sighed, "So… is it bad?"
I looked over to Robyn, still asleep, in the hospital bed. "It's not good," I confessed.
"How did you feel?" Alexis asked, reaching a hand out to me and holding my arm.
I sat back down, holding her hand. "I felt sick before, but now I just feel numb and tired," I sighed, "But I can't imagine how Ava or Robyn's parents must be feeling." I glanced back at the trio in the hallway.
"Did you have to cut her down?" she asked.
I sighed. Ava had clutched Robyn and I had to undo the belt from the metal pole, because Damien barely managed to catch a collapsing Grace.
Upon hearing my silence, Alexis continued. "Robyn's alive," Alexis said, "That much they should be thankful for." I looked at Alexis when she said this, concerned by her tone of voice.
Before I could mention it, Estelle spoke. "Robyn?"
We all looked to her bed and watched Robyn stir. Her eyelids fluttered, but it took her a few moments to see anyone. Mia hopped off Bonnie's lap and rushed to the door, tapping on the class frantically to get Penrose's and Ava's attention. The parents came rushing in when Bonnie called what it meant and stood by their daughter's side as she slowly became lucid.
Despite the day before, Robyn smiled at the sight of them, and reached both her hands over to grasp her mother's as she sobbed. The girls gathered around Alexis and me as Robyn's parents consoled their child.
"This is insane…" Amia said as she sat on a countertop.
"Not exactly someone who I'd expect to do this…" Amada confessed.
"And what constitutes 'expected to do this' Amada?" Bonnie asked, placing her little sister on her lap.
"You know what I mean," he countered folding his arms, "Robyn is probably the last one I'd expect to think killing yourself is the only way out."
"We never know what goes on in someone's mind," Estelle answered.
"And Robyn is certainly no exception…" Ava added returning to her place in the doorway.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" Estelle asked, walking past everyone and standing beside her.
Ava shrugged, her eyes locked on Robyn. "If I'm not, I will be," she informed.
We all stayed with Robyn for the entire afternoon, surviving on crappy vending machine food and playing paper-based games and charades. Robyn seemed to be enjoying herself, much to Grace and Damien's delight. As the hours ticked on, I grew worried about Ava, who kept her distance from Robyn, either sitting at the edge of the group or in the furthest chair from her.
The afternoon turned into night, a few times we were sent away due to doctors evaluating Robyn and consulting her parents. They brought in the hospital translator.
Later that night, we could stay until visiting hours were over; eleven. Despite this, everyone had started dropping off by ten. All the girls were leaning against the walls, each other, or lying on the floor in different states of drowsiness. Robyn's parents had dimmed the light, making the sleepiness worse. I was sitting upright in a chair, Alexis resting on my shoulder. We were all waiting for the cars that would come collect us at ten thirty.
I opened my eyes when I heard walking. Ava hadn't fallen asleep, she had stayed awake staring at Robyn's bed, but now she walked across the room and sat on the very edge of the bed. Robyn opened her eyes at feeling the disturbance, shuffling in her bed to sit up when she saw it was Ava.
Ava's voice was rough when she spoke, while her hands were precise when she signed. "How's your throat?" she asked.
Robyn shrugged, "A bit sore," she confessed.
"Yeah, I bet…" Ava murmured, making little circles in the blanket. A moment later, she glanced around at the girls and saw we were all asleep. She said, "You're a little brat, you know that?"
Robyn gulped, tilting her head in confusion.
"I said, you're a little brat, you know that?" Ava clarified, "Do you have any idea what you put us through? How stupid that was? How out of no where that was?" Ava spat her words, her hands in tight fists on her legs when she spoke, likely so that Robyn couldn't understand her. "Was it all because of what those guys did to you? Because what I didn't do for you? Was it just a stupid way to get attention?" Ava dropped her head, gritting her teeth as everything tensed and trembled. "Well, you got everyone's attention, Robyn, you selfish brat!" Ava lowered her voice when she heard one of the girl's stir.
Ava cleared her throat. "If I hadn't guessed, if I hadn't completely overanalysed what you said and that dumb kiss, then you would…" Ava's voice was breaking, she cleared her throat, so she could continue, "You have no idea how angry I am at you. How sad… how scared…" Ava's breath trembled when she breathed in, Robyn continued to watch on, either wilfully oblivious or deliberately expressionless.
Ava sniffed, wiping her nose and her eyes as she finally said, "But none of that probably compares to how you feel, huh?" Ava tried to laugh it off, but her attempted laughs turned to tears as she lifted her hands and signed, "I'm so sorry, Robyn. For everything I saw and ignored, or just didn't see…"
Robyn shook her head, tears swelling in her eyes as she sat up straighter and reached her hands out, hugging her crying friend.