Regret: a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over an occurrence or something that one has done or failed to do.
*
It took a lot of convincing, but I managed to explain how I hadn't been the one to hang up the posture or take the photos. And in the end, I didn't have to rat Mia out; other students did that for me.
But no one knew where she had gone.
I sat outside the office in the line up of chairs the principal had set aside for students to wait in until it was their turn to be interrogated. After a moment, the door opened, and Bonnie rolled out of the office, looking thoroughly annoyed.
"What happened?" I asked when she approached me; she tried to run over my foot with her wheelchair.
"What do you think? Mia's run off and they don't know where she is," Bonnie snapped, "She didn't go back to the dorm, and they can't find her on the school grounds, so they thought I knew where she was."
I frowned, "Do you?"
Bonnie puffed out her cheeks, crossing her arms. "I have an idea. But I'm not ratting her out cause some girl can't take what she dishes out." She went to leave.
I stood and blocked her path. "Okay, okay. Not that I'm defending Rachel here, but seriously? Rachel calls her a bad name and in return gets her face plastered on the bulletin board with different guys? Mia's set herself up, so she doesn't look like the victim anymore."
Bonnie rolled her eyes, "You sound just like the Principal."
"No, I sound like any rational person who doesn't know what's going on," I countered, "I know why Mia did this, but that doesn't mean it was right."
Bonnie rolled her eyes again, slouching in her chair. "They might suspend her for this," Bonnie commented, "Hell, expel her if Rachel is smart enough to plead her case."
"It's not gonna look good if Mia doesn't even face the consequences, Bonnie," I informed.
Bonnie clicked her tongue. "If we can show them that what she did wasn't unprovoked then maybe they won't expel her, or might even give both girls a caution or something, right?"
I shook my head, "I doubt anyone is going to see it that way, Bon." I laid it out for her as crudely as I understood it. Rachel may plead that she picked on Mia a bit, but in return, Mia brought a camera to school with the specific intention of taking photos of another student, in this instance students, without their permission while they were in a less than flattering situation. "That's like… beyond school disciplinary action, Bonnie, that can involve the police for harassment if it gets bad."
Bonnie's annoyed façade broke at my explanation, "Oh God."
"The most Rachel may get punished for is getting handsy with other students on school grounds, but given the circumstances, I seriously doubt they're going to pursue a girl who was just humiliated in front of God knows how many people, and even more online." Bonnie couldn't look any me anymore, because she knew I was right. "Bonnie, where might Mia be?"
Bonnie blew some hair from her eye. "Do you think special circumstances will be considered?" she asked, ignoring my question.
I sighed, "What do you mean?"
Bonnie bit the inside of her cheek. "Mia probably didn't know it was going to be this bad until she did it. I mean… you saw her, she's probably off having a panic attack somewhere about it," Bonnie stated, "I pushed her to retaliate, Landon. She doesn't know when something is too much because I always told her to push back as hard as you can."
"Bonnie you can't take the blame for Mia on this," I said.
Bonnie looked close to crying, the rim of her eyes filling with tears. "It's not fair though. Everyone only focuses on us when we do something wrong, calling us spoilt brats with behavioural problems or we're emotionally unstable, but not when something wrong is done to us." She wiped the corners of her eyes, eliminating the potential tears. "We don't come forward because no one believes us and then when we do something about it, no one believes us when we say it was justified, because 'nothing like that can be justifiable.'"
When another door opened, and some teachers walked past us, Bonnie stayed quiet until they disappeared. She sniffed as she stated, "The school has a basement where like electrical grids and boilers and that kind of stuff is. A while back the school put locks on the doors because students were smoking down there, but Mia can fit through a window vent and get inside. She goes there when she doesn't want all this," she waved her arms around her head, "Otherwise she might be hiding under a stairwell somewhere, or somewhere that's at least dark and out of the way."
I nodded. "Now go tell the principal that, while I have a quick look."
Unhappily, she nodded, turning in her wheelchair and returning to the door she had just left.
*
I texted the other girls, checking if they were okay and asking if they had seen Mia, I even asked Dylan and the Delinquents if there was any sign of her. None of them had heard anything. With the end of the day upon us, most of the students were heading home or doing their after-school activities.
Mia had been MIA for a few hours by this point, and I heard chatter from the teachers they were quite worried.
I checked the stairwells I passed on my way down to the basement. The twins had gotten back to me when searching the bathrooms, Estelle even joining the search by looking under the bleachers and in certain trees that she liked to climb.
The basement of the school was a trek to look. The basement was an underground room the size of three whole classrooms with the only way to get into it three possible doorways. The first two I approached didn't have Mia sized vents for her to squeeze through and she didn't respond when I called through the door.
As I descended the stairs, I was blocked by another locked door or a door that was supposed to be locked. When I turned the handle, it gave way, and I opened the door to more stairs leading downwards. While the lighting wasn't right, I could still see the janitor's equipment left here who knows how long ago and the spiders who called this dark, quiet place home.
It was eerie how quiet it was. The air smelt damp and stale, the darkened room weighted down by an invisible force that made me feel claustrophobic.
I found another door with four vents, two above my head and two at knee height, none of which I could fit, but Mia would easily be able to get through.
I got to my knees and peered through the grate, noting the shape of some boilers inside. I tested how sturdy the grate was, but with very little influence it came off. I laid on my stomach and peered my head inside, managing to fit an arm in as well before my body decided I was too large to squeeze through. "Mia?" I called, my voice drowned by the thick air, "Mia? Are you in here? I need to know if you're okay."
I heard a loud sniffing sound and, awkwardly, shifted myself around to find the source. Sitting in the corner was a small figure, head in her lap, breathing heavily between sobs.
"Mia!" I managed to pull myself back through the grate and paid attention to the door. Like Bonnie told me, it was locked, but not with a very good lock.
After a few swift kicks to the handle, the whole doorknob and lock broke. I pushed the door open and ran to Mia, who, as I suspected, was in the middle of a panic attack. "Mia, Mia! Sweetheart, I'm here. I'm here." I wanted to pick her up and hold her, to assure her that she was okay, but I worried she might have a fit.
Amidst my worry, Mia uncoiled herself and launched at me, throwing herself on my shoulders and sobbing loudly against my shoulder. Her fingers frantically tapped against my shoulder in her flailing attempt to speak to me, but her hands trembled and shook so badly I could scarcely even begin to understand her.
I picked Mia up, determining it was better to get her out of this hot boiler room. When I made it up the stairs into the natural light, Mia's movements became less frantic, going in the complete opposite direction and worrying me again. Her slow finger tapping was understandable this time, as she repeated, "It didn't stop. It didn't stop," before she fainted in my arms.
*
Fainting isn't a good enough reason to not be punished for your actions, but it was enough for the punishment to be postponed until the nurse had a proper look over Mia.
I wasn't by myself as Mia and Bonnie had a phone meeting with their parents about the whole thing. When I didn't show up to the shed, Alexis called me and asked where I was, opting to join me on the chairs by the office. Similarly, Estelle and the twins were there, and Ava and Robyn came back from the dorm to wait for Mia, saying it was very quiet at home.
After I had explained what happened, we all waited in silence.
Alexis linked arms with me and rested her head on my shoulder, eventually sighing. "Did she tell you she was going to do this?" she asked.
I shook my head, "No."
"If I'd have known I never would've given her my camera," Alexis said, "I should've known something was up. Mia doesn't just become obsessed with something out of nowhere."
"None of us knew what she was thinking," Ava informed from across the hall, "If we had, we would've stopped it."
"Yeah, but what else could she do?" Amia asked picking at her ear.
"Everyone was telling her to not go to the teachers," Amada added.
"And she's smart but a kid. What else were we expecting to happen?" Estelle commented, "I saw the poster online. Rachel is a terrible person, but that's intense, especially over some insult."
I shook my head, unhappy to admit this, "I think this is something Mia's been holding onto for a while, guys."
The door clicked open, Mia stepping out, Bonnie soon behind. Mia's eyes remained down, a water bottle in her hands as she violently slurped her water. We all rose to our feet at the sight of the sisters. "How'd it go?" I asked.
Bonnie seemed less than pleased. "She's suspended until further notice, pending some school investigation." Her nose wrinkled from the scowl she was trying to hide. "Our parents were less than helpful in the matter. Mia has to give Rachel an apology."
Everyone started objecting over the idea, but with a swift hand, Ava silenced them. "That seems reasonable," she said dropping her hand.
"Rachel's parents have demanded both a verbal and written apology," Bonnie continued, "Our parents even apologised for the emotional trouble Mia's acting out may have caused." She reached over to her sister and gently stroked her hair. Mia's eyes were wide and moony. It was difficult to believe that less then an hour ago she had fainted from some unknown panic attack, as she seemed so content and calm as she continued drinking the water bottle.
"Does it need to be done now?" Alexis asked.
Bonnie shook her head, "We're not under that impression. Just that at some point we've got to do it. Right now, we have to get off the school grounds."
The way she said that confused me. "We?"
Bonnie straightened in her chair. "I'm suspended for two days," she answered, "I aided and encouraged such behaviour in my impressionable little sister."
This caused an uproar amongst us, taking up much of the conversation on the way home as the girls and Amada debated the unfairness of the whole situation. I lingered behind everyone, staring at Mia who was sitting on Bonnie's lap and resting her head on Bonnie's shoulder.
Mia wasn't expressive at the best of times, but this level of blankness was almost disturbing. There was a deadness behind Mia's eyes, an unfocused expression that seemed beyond merely defeated, as occasionally her eyes would dart around before resting and she would snuggle against Bonnie's shoulder.
*
Mia's written apology was almost literature, far too good for the outcome it got; Rachel crumbling it up after glancing over it and waiting for the verbal apology. I wanted to drop kick her, as I knew Mia had spent a few hours writing it.
"Hurry up, runt. What's your excuse for trying to ruin my life?" I stood in the corner, supervising. Rachel had come over to the dorm for the apology the next day and was more than bitter about the whole thing.
I still hadn't sorted my feelings out regarding Rachel. On the one hand, I had seen her harassment over the past term-and-a-half towards Mia, and heard the rumours and not so kind words from my dormmates. But on the other, when she approached me after the poster, the tears were real, the distress was distressing for me to see. I had, and still did, felt terrible for her, but any trace of that vulnerability was gone at this moment, replaced by a bitchy, insulting witch of a girl.
Ava was there to translate for Mia, who had been adamant about her refusal to say anything to Rachel. Mia managed to lift her gaze to meet Rachel's dark glare, and sign with slow, small gestures, any possible emotion coming through Ava's voice rather than Mia's dead, blank expression.
"I am sorry, Rachel," Ava said, at first through gritted teeth, as she too knew how long Mia had spent on the now crumbled written apology. "What you said to me was hurtful, and what you've done to me over the past few months have been mean. All I could think was all the ways I could and should hurt you back. But that doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter, and it certainly doesn't justify my actions. It's been an endless back and forth between us since the first day of school, and I don't want this to go on anymore." Mia continued signing, Ava mouthing it for a moment, pursing her lips in hesitation before ending it with, "I'm sorry for what I did, Rachel. I was wrong to do that to you."
Mia glanced at Ava, cementing my belief that Ava didn't translate all of what Mia had said.
Rachel didn't seem to notice, flicking the paper apology at Mia's face. "Damn right," she muttered, pushing herself out of the armchair and to her feet, "Nice apology. Almost sounded genuine, you heartless robot."
My jaw clenched at Rachel's words, Ava stepping in when Rachel poked Mia's forehead. "That's enough, Rachel," Ava said, wedging herself between them, "Mia may have to apologise to you, but that doesn't mean you have the right to bully her in her own house. We're done here. You can leave."
Rachel scoffed at Ava's matter-of-fact words and rolled her eyes, crossing her arms as she said whatever and went to leave. Ava, a little to quickly and forcefully, grabbed Rachel's arm. "One more thing," she said, "Just because Mia has apologised to you, doesn't mean we don't think you deserved it. I may have ignored people like you in the past, but I won't tolerate you hurting my friend anymore. If I find out you're still harassing Mia the next time she comes to school, I don't care who you think you are, or who your parents are; I will not hesitate to make you internet famous for something far more invasive then your interrupted make-out sessions."
The threat made me feel uncomfortable in my clothes and was successful in leaving Rachel speechless as she took back her arm and left without another snarky comment.
Ava turned on her heels and squatted in front of Mia. "Mia are you okay?"
Absently, Mia nodded, making a final sign that I recognised. "I'm going to bed."
Mia straightened her posture, apparently unaffected by the apology and insults, and walked out of the study.
Ava sighed, "She's done nothing but sleep today," she stated rising to her feet.
I checked my watch, seeing it was only 3:30 pm. Ava went to leave, but I managed to catch her, "What did Mia say towards the end there?"
Ava sucked in her cheeks, furrowing her brows as she debated whether to tell me. She paraphrased, "Mia essentially said Rachel could do whatever she wanted to her, and Mia wouldn't fight back anymore. Because she's too tired to deal with it anymore."
I looked to where Mia was and frowned, "Does Mia have depression?"
Ava shrugged, "Not clinically if she does." Ava played with her thumbs, shifting from one foot to the other as she added, "I don't think Mia belongs here, Landon. White Winter Prep has… done that to her." Ava plonked herself on the chair, resting her head heavily on her hands. "I've never seen her like this."
"It's been a draining couple of days for her," I stated, picking up the paper Rachel had crumbled.
Ava agreed with me, stretching her arms and flexing her fingers, "Maybe she'll bounce back from this on her own." She took the paper when I held it out to her. "You should've seen her last night, Landon. She tried with this apology." Her voice sounded weak when she spoke, close to cracking, as her lips shook. "I hope she bounces back from this, I really do."
I frowned, "Come here." I opened my arms for a hug, which Ava took, resting her cheek against my shoulder and releasing a long, tired sigh.