Chapter 1
The Beginning and the End
"how long has it been?" I asked Myself, the words springing from my mouth only for no-one to hear, as it has been for my entire time here. I once more looks around the vast emptiness feeling neither warmth nor cold, seeing the same swirling clouds of darkness in all directions, I sigh and lie back on the soft clouds that were comfortably holding my weight and closed my eyes once more as I have done for what seemed to me decades but was probably only weeks at most, the first time I closed my eyes I felt like this was my punishment, my punishment for my failings, my weakness. but as time passed I began to suspect that this was all just so I could forget and move on. so today once more I closed my eyes and drifted wondering where I will go next
I felt myself falling through a silky like substance and as expected when I opened my eyes , like I had many times before, here I was again in primary school as a 9 year old child sitting next to my most important person, Claire, she turned to me mid class and showed that smile and once again asked me "Brendan will you come over for dinner?", even now I subconsciously answer as I have every time she asked me for something, "of course dear" as I tried once more to move, to shout, to hug her, to let her know I was there, but as always I couldn't, moving as I have done in the past, probably for the 100th time, I sat in the class and talked to my dear friends, visited claire's house and went home, I was forced to live my life over and over in greater clarity each time as if watching an old movie. I saw my faults, I saw my weakness, I felt my pain and felt my happiness as each event passed.
"This time seems slightly different" I thought to myself, everything seemed so "final", an odd sense but there nonetheless. "ah" I thought to myself "so now it begins" this is the first day of college for myself again, I have lived it so many times now I knew the whole course by heart even if the "past" Brendan didn't."This is the day that that bastard Jordan first locked onto me, I was walking to the library with my girlfriend Claire and talking, then that bastard deliberately slammed into me while walking, I apologized at the time as I didn't know it was on purpose", I paused to let myself remember even as the day passed slowly in front of me, "The following few days were the same and eventually he and his gang cornered me and attacked me for no reason, shouting stuff like "you think you're so good ,huh!?", This happened almost every week, but I never told anyone as fighting in the college led to expulsion, they didn't care on which side of the fight you were on"
I tried every time to fight back against Jordan's gang as I soon found trying to avoid them impossible as I still needed to go to college courses, I tried to learn how to fight in a martial arts dojo but soon found that my body was actually quite frail as in the first sparring session I broke my wrist throwing a punch, even now I despise how weak I was and mentally spat at myself again for the 100th time for giving up so easily as I have done. Although my life sounded difficult in fact I thought I was very lucky I had my girlfriend Claire who I loved, I also had my two brothers and mother who all loved me dearly, although they weren't rich, they got everything they wanted albeit in a rather odd manner, my eldest brother in his spare time crafted unique sculptures, unique as in "insane and possibly lovecraftian" in design, my other brother repaired old pieces of furniture and I cooked the meals and helped sell my brothers statues, my mother was a worker in a factory until a machine took her thumb and now she raises chickens to be sold in the market.
The final day of the loop, also the one I hated the most. The day of my death. That day was two weeks after my 25th birthday and it was the 10th anniversary of my relationship with claire and so that day was the day I was going to propose, After graduating college Claire and I bought an apartment between us near where we first met, it was all very romantic I assure you. That day I am currently experiencing the final hour of my life, it somehow holds more weight to me than all the countless hours I have spent so far even to the current me watching this again, this time it feels all too real , the end is near I can feel it. I'm calling Claire now to come down to the local hall, I gave her the excuse that I have been roped into a job minding kids, I used this excuse because Claire herself always loved kids, she could never say no to them, it was cute. Fifty minutes later I hear a scream, I look outside and see a gang of men surrounding a woman, I call the police and say that there is a gang being violent to a woman, the police say they will send a police cruiser soon, I decided that they would be too late so I ran to the group shouting that I have called the police and that they should leave her alone, the leader of the gang turns around, and there in front of me was my tormentor, Jordan.
As he turns I suddenly get a bad feeling, this is from experience, as the current me knew quite well how much the next ten minutes will hurt, the thugs either side of me grabs my arms and Jordan begins punching me shouting how I must of missed him and how he will rape the woman in front of me, as he said that I turn to see that the woman that they were harassing was Claire! I gasp and twist my arm out of their grip and try to punch Jordan, the bastard just stood there and laughed at me, I felt such hatred towards myself and Jordan, I was so weak, he was so evil, Is there no justice, no-one to destroy those who are evil, chop them at the roots to prevent the taint from spreading.
There it is again 99 times I felt this pain, 99 times I didn't see it coming, death , I look down and see a large hunting knife in my chest, pushed in by Jordan as he madly grinned as if in ecstasy, my final words as I hear the sirens approaching as the gang began sprinting away leaving me and claire, "claire-bear,.. happy ...anniversary dear,....my present ..to you...was..to be with you …..for the rest of my...life, do you take me….as your ...husband ...till death?"after each word I spoke more blood poured out of my mouth. I took the ring out of my pocket, too weak to open the case I nudged it into her hands. As I died I like to think that I could hear her say "of course dear"