Malcolm folded his legs and looked at his guests. The story he was about to tell them was one he really felt strongly about. Though he had made peace with his past, revisiting it with them was surely going to evoke his demons.
"So in my past life I was involved in the film industry and I wore many hats. I first started as a prop builder, went on to become a prop master, learned a few things from a cousin of mine who was an armourer and then moved on to other things like being a lighting technician and then transitioned to camera work. Making films was quite a tough ordeal and you would deal with pre production hurdles; studio interference when the director's vision didn't meet the stipulation of test screenings and also in house politics. You could say that the reason why I killed myself was because the same system that I believed in, despite having its faults, made me feel guilty about what happened to my co-worker's niece." he said with a gloomy look.
"So what happened to this girl, I mean your friend's niece?" asked John.
"Well, for the most part I had been mainly working on the technical side of things, a behind the scenes guy who works with talent. During one of our rigging sessions, me and my buddies overheard the guys up top scheduling an audition for young female actors and I remembered that one of my co-workers couldn't shut up about his niece being the next Meryl Streep or something so I gave him a call and got in touch with her. Well I think I just wanted to help out a young person who probably didn't have much in terms of industry connections. I didn't think much of it, but she ended up getting the part. Because of what happened she decided to become friends with me, grateful for the opportunity that I had given her by making the audition known to her. The thing is, I should have given her at least a mental preparation of the drawbacks that would come with the business. See, when you are an unknown, fresh off the block, you tend to deal with hierarchical hazing and stuff, as you build your network and establish yourself in the industry. Us the older generation of millenials accepted that this was just how things were and that you'd have to gain the system and hope you make it just high enough that you wouldn't have to deal with entry level job bullshit. So that could work for a thick skinned male trying to get to the top, but for a young girl like Madeline, that wasn't going to be the case. There was this one production assistant notorious for fooling around with female actresses, especially those still coming into their own. That jerk had the bureaucratic protection of some community of directors and producers which always helped cover his tracks. Madeline was coerced with options of being cut off her minor roles in films or even major ones for the sake of having sex with that bastard. Madeline had become my friend but she wasn't really family and I was like, 'take advantage of this, I know it hurts now, but you can forget that guy when you're big', but she didn't like how I did things. I came from a background in which industry vices were part of the job. You would either shape up and deal with it until you got another opportunity that would move you up in the industry. Madeline thought it was wrong for things to be this way, but ratting out to the press wouldn't really help. I mean, the people who hold the doors for you to even get ahead in the industry are the ones you are snitching. Besides it would be your word against theirs and a small time actress from michigan with industry clout would be buried by her lack of sway. Madeline eventually quit acting after starring in a relatively successful indie film called 'Thy love you have lost'. She was set to become a trail blazer but she wasn't willing to kiss someone's as or bed specific man with the final say to get her way. When I tried to communicate with her to find out how I could help, she pretty much distanced herself from me and hated me. I thought that she had given up to quickly, but since I am no woman, having to have sex to get ahead wasn't something that I considered to be too crazy of an idea. There were other actresses who gained the system and even rose to a higher level than their oppressors, but Madeline wasn't like those girls. So, 2 years passed and I had made my first feature film which managed to convince investors to fund it. This would be my first international debut as a filmmaker, my big break at the age of 38. I weathered the storm, got my clout, had the favour of various technical staff and I was going to make my film. During the casting auditions for my film, Madeline had returned. She looked way more beautiful than before, as if her time out of this business had rejuvenated her from the last time I had seen her. She delivered her lines perfectly and despite how things had dissolved between us, I tried by all means to patch things up with her. We rekindled our friendship and I enjoyed making the film with her, but things didn't go so well." he said, in his uninterrupted monologue.
"Hmm, so I guess you decided fuck her?" said Clarice, with a snarky tone.
"No woman, I wasn't some barbaric man who just slept around with any dame. What I meant was that the girl led me on to believe that she was romantically interested in me and once the premiere of my film happened she wanted us to have sex, but her reasons scared me. She told me that she was doing it to get ahead like I had always told her too and now that I was the man calling the shots, her sexual favour would be penance for her ever doubting that she could ever make it without having to resort to sleeping with powerful men. The fact that she saw our relationship as me, the superior man asserting his dominance because of ulterior motives, made me sick. I mean I chose her as the lead due to merit not because of me wanting to sleep with her. I didn't sleep with her and told her to leave which she didn't take to well. Having done anything with her under those circumstances would have made me no different from those guys who got away with their heinous acts, but due to the 'me too' movement on social media, she allegedly stated that I had sexually assaulted her when that wasn't the case at all. This negative buzz was going to destroy me considering that I had only a single international success under my belt. At the time I really wondered why she was framing me when I did nothing but help, but when we finally managed to talk it out, face to face I realised that she framed because in her eyes, I represented the old system of doing things. Contend with abuse and harassment as an entry level employee until you get to the top was what I had come to accept, but just because it worked for me it didn't mean that it would apply to others, especially the new generation that still had glowing naivete. She hated the fact that I didn't protest or contest the system, but what could I do? Nothing, just grind until you have independence, but I later realised that those women who dealt with the abuse never came back sane. Madeline had been secretly taking antidepressants and she had tried commiting suicide 2 times and failed. She knew how to hide her problems on set, but these demons were going to get the better of her. When I realised how bad things were getting, I helped her out despite her lawsuit. She eventually dropped it but the media thought I had coerced or something and painted me as some misogynist big. I knew they just wanted a story that draws traffic to their garbage tier tabloids, but it made people who initially trusted me lost their faith in me. Madeline and I eventually had a heart to heart and hoped to patch things up, but one day when I decided to visit her, I found her body hanging on the ceiling. She commited suicide because of me. I gave her the info about that audition, fully knowing well how fucked up that production assistant was and his clique of untouchable fucks. I had facilitated the destruction of that girl's life. Instead of telling her to leave as soon as she saw any sign of trouble, I told to endure it because in the end, everything is a means to an end as long as you get that place at the top." he said, breaking into tears.
John, Tinashe and Clarice had a hard time watching this man suffer. His story which highlighted the unsavoury moments of the entertainment industry, was really gut wrenching. Clarice who at first seemed cynical had become morose. Tadiwa who was pretending to be asleep as she dealt with her body healing, also shed tears in response to this sad tale.After a few seconds of crying, Malcolm continued on telling his story.
"So, her death made me rethink a lot of things and made me want to change things in the industry: how we worked, how we treated staff, how we penalised individuals who took advantage of entry level personnel and a lot of things, but this effort was just me trying to seek redemption for me casting a blind eye at all the vices that took place at work. My guilt overcame me and I eventually took my life, through a painless method, because I was not strong enough to hang myself like she did. Well, I guess I told my depressing tale, if you wish to one up me with something sad, I am all ears. I mean, something tragic could only push you to killing yourself." he said wiping away his tears with his hand. Clarice who had initiated him into spilling the beans about his reason now felt really heavy and conflicted. He didn't think her reasons for self termination would be justifiable, but she then said, "I am sorry for what happened to you. Well, I don't know if my reasons will make any sense, I am after all the pornstar that made a living through immoral acts, doing things that society would frown upon. Labelled a whore, a slut a temptress and even a devil. I won't even give the excuse of being damaged goods. I came from a decent family, but I wanted to pursue modelling, but oh boy did that prove to be a fucken mission. I was very good looking, but certain body types were in demand so I was like fuck it, do I go back to school and have my parents tell me 'I told you so' or do I find a gig fast. So there was some guy recruiting girls and I saw the money I could make which way more than the bullshit my friends were getting from their lousy jobs. I was a bit of a freak in highschool, popular with the boys so I didn't really give a fuck. I did what they asked and also tried by all means to be health conscious as I did it. I made a fuck tonne of money from having sex on camera and I got my parents a new house, brother a car and paid off some of my relatives' debts. They all loved me until they found out what I really did. I got disowned by my family, but they still didn't lose the nerve of asking me for money for this and that, and I generally had to keep to myself because whenever a neighbourhood would know about my profession, especially the mothers, they would want me to fucken disappear. I have had my fair share of hate and perverse dehumanizing infatuation from perverts and guys who thought I was a dumb bitch who liked dick. I mean, every guy here has seen me naked and probably masturbated to me getting an orgasm. Right now I few like I am making you guys feel uncomfortable, especially Tinashe who probably has never had to deal with someone like me before. I have done fucked up things and I am probably the one with the least moral compass among all of us. I killed myself because as much as I gained wealth, fame and even the attention of celebrities who just wanted to tap my ass for some publicity stunt, I ruined my family's honour and made married women feel uncomfortable. I had a falling out with my agent who wasn't booking me as much, because some new piece of ass was going to replace me. I mean even if my family hated me and millions of men secretly masturbated to me at night whilst joining the the rest of society during the day, to persecute me with their hypocritical name calling and bullshit, I at least had the mulla, but my agent decided to fuck me over because I am replaceable cunt. In only a matter of 3 years, my stability in the industry was going to end, so yeah, I killed myself because at the core of it, I am just a disgusting slut who fucked her way to riches and I was damn proud of it."
When Clarice was done, she felt really down and wanted to get some air. This ended up becoming a rather bitter evening with both of those who disclosed, feeling under the weather as soon as they were done. John followed her trying to comfort her as Tinashe just stayed, conflicted by her story. Pornography, though purely for sensual stimulation was acted by real people playing a persona to rouse the lust of both men and women.
Even when they had first met, Tinashe could only see a whore who was feigning human emotions and actions, but Clarice was a normal person, despite her lewd archive of acts. The dehumanizing thoughts that objectified her as an instrument to sate sexual desire, made him realize that there was something wrong with himself. He wanted to stop her but he had no idea what to say.
John finally got a hold of her and told her, "I am sorry for what happened to you, but you don't have to think that you are lesser person because of your past. You don't have to be Maya Vijou anymore, you can be Clarice, start afresh and distance yourself from your past."
"That's easy for you to say, you wrote books and did weird cross dressing shit, I fucked men and women on camera for a living and guess what, the fact that 3 different men from different age brackets have seen me naked, even in the fucken afterlife means I can't just shawshank redemption this one. That's what I am, a minx, a temptress who lures men into doing immoral shit. I am not a good person, I don't know if I will even qualify to be part of your group that wants to stop people from killing each other for experience points. You see John, girls who end up like me don't get a redemption story. They remain a constant reminder of how low society can sink." she said, passionately as her tears trickled downwards.
John immediately got infuriated by her remark and then bitch slapped her on her right cheek. The slap really hurt and Clarice almost tumbled backwards from the force, but then John came in and hugged her and said, "You're not a piece of shit. If you want to, you can change. You are not alone in this, even if you fucked the worst, you still have a chance to save yourself, start afresh. You may have been that actress in the past, but you don't have to be now!" Clarice was taken aback by his statement and instantly fell weak to his resolve.
She had never been told anything like that in her past life and she believed that once you became this terrible monster people made you up to be, you could never change, but this man, who was muscular but looked awkward due to his choice of clothes, wanted to see her change. She was overcome by a weakness in her heart and she immediately kissed him. The kiss was sweet, but before it could progress into something more, John stopped her and they soon returned back to the base where Malcolm was. Clarice was invigorated by the man's words and really hoped that such a thing could even be possible for a girl like her who profited from her immoral acts in the past.