Breaking out from the hell called job, I moved towards my home but my eye caught the glimpse of a person who was crying. It's not that I have sharp eye it's just the voice that Tremble with every breath felt like suffering from unbearable agony and I couldn't help but stare at that person. I tried to put my hand on his shoulder thinking of consoling him but stopped while doing so.

Am I feeling sympathy toward him. No, it's not that, it's something different.

Yeah, it's the disgust and revolt not toward him but myself. When did I become so conceited? Aren't I more pathetic than him? At least this guy have gut to cry in a bus which I probably won't be able to do in this lifetime.

"Pathetic", I said while feeling the churn in my chest.

Seems like I said it to loudly, so much that he stopped crying and looked my way with shame and self ridicule.

After getting out of bus I walked the same route that I have been walking to the past 6 months. Why? Just why did I say that?

That's the one question that won't leave my mind. I always wear this mask around everyone and I know I'm not the only person who does that but most people do as well. But why is it so hard for me. Am I that weak? or everyone else is much stronger. Every since I can remember I have been doing this one-man charade. Some times it's stupid clown, sometimes it's cool guy or sometimes the lonely boy but why can't I show my true feelings.

In the first place what are my true feeling and what kind of person I am, even I don't know. Wrong, its not that I don't know, I just don't want to admit it.

Negative. I'm the embodiment of negative things itself. Everything I have done in my life is filled with sins and wrongdoings.

Lying.

As long as I can remember I have been lying, too other and myself.

A lame boy waiting for someone to reach him. That's what I am. Incapable of loving in fear of being hurt, that may be why I have never fallen in love or may be I had once but refused to admit. An immature brat who wants all the happiness without any sadness. A kid who wants to be loved but fears to be hated.

This might sound normal. Yes, nobody wants to be hated but In my case I stopped seeking happiness due to my inability of accepting the sadness that comes with it. Yes, rather than feeling pain in exchange of happiness I choose to not feel happiness and sadness. The path I choose was of solitude.

Bzzzz~

'hm? ', I guess it's a call from home. Even though I call it my home that place feels like I'm living with strangers. A mother who has suffered very much for our future and wants us to feel the same. A father who is a stain for the whole species of fathers that ever existed on this planet. A brother who probably hates me because my existence makes his life miserable and there is me who thinks that he is dealing with the worst kind of hardship in his life even after knowing that they're are whole lot of people who are in much more deeper shit than he can ever imagine.

For your information if you're wonder 'what the hell is this guy non-stop rambling about?' or 'When will the plot development start?' I'm extremely sorry to inform you that-

This is neither Epilogue or Prologue​ of a novel but a monotonous-monologue of my pathetic self.