Recovering from my injuries was easier said than done. The sheer extent of traces left behind by the gruesome battle was proof enough of that. The blatant refusal of the wolves to finally bite the dust also did not help at all.
With death looming over my head, I could only hope for the best as the uncertainty continued to build up inside of my mind. It was quite a shitty feeling to not have the slightest clue what exactly is going to happen.
With the proverbial demise being right at my side, it was not easy to keep calm and think about all of this rationally. Not being killed on the spot was a ray of hope, but it was not enough in the sea of darkness I was surrounded by.
Haunted by the voice inside of my head, depicting the worst that could happen, it was not easy to speak of hope. Being a pessimist I had already expected the worst to happen, so why should I feel more sadness if it actually occurs?
Though I have always called myself a realist. Being a realist sounds so much better than being a pessimist. In the end, I just hid behind a fancy label. There is nothing more to it.
In moments like this, when I could not distract my mind, every last bit of doubt and all the questions resurfaced. They demanded answers and solutions I did not have. Everything was out of my control, nothing I could do would have any kind of impact.
All I did was mock myself relentlessly for being in the situation and shape I currently am. I was on my own in this place and yet I could not even move an inch.
At the mercy of someone else and with the stench of death and decay permeating my entire body I had other several good influences that promoted a healthy thought process. How I truly loathed moments like this.
I was just alone here with myself, I could never escape the thoughts inside of my mind. The voices never grew silent and my pretentious mascarade slowly broke. Why am I still pretending to be in control, when I am just a walking time bomb?
It is easier on the mind to live a lie rather than realizing the ugly truth. That is not a grand revelation, that will change my life in its entirety. It is something I have always known, but it's not something I like to openly think about.
My determination has never been something pure and my conviction is something that vanishes at the first sign of discomfort. I have tried and come up with several explanations for all of this but I never really found out who I truly am.
How much of my former life still lingers in me and am I truly Moirai? As much as I wanted to I could not find an answer that would ease my mind. This was not the first time this issue came up and it certainly would not be the last time.
The painful screeches and scorching heat were proof enough, that this proclamation might have been made prematurely. Alas, if there is a next life, it would still come true.
Some things in this wide world just never change, regardless of how much the world around them does.
But I just wish that the conclusion would come rather sooner than later. Spending my time here waiting for the inevitable to happen feels strange. Yet, despite spending so much time simply staring at the cheap scale, nothing happenend.
On the off-chance, that this fire magic-wielding maniac was not out to kill me, I needed to think about the reason why. What purpose would saving me bring with it? I must have been seen. it would be hard not to see me after I had left behind such an enormous mess.
I was not doing a very good job at faking my death either and the wolves beside me still clung so dearly onto their feeble lives. What kind of use could we have? There was not much life in us left, so the mage surely would not even bother with finishing us.
Or maybe the mage was attacked by wolves as he or she passed by and just took care of the bare necessities before venturing onwards. The goal might have been to hunt these wolves for materials or just get rid of an obstacle that was in the way.
Finding out the true reason was pointless, there were still too many things outside of my control. Therefore I just hoped that the wolves would finally die and replenish me with the energy I so desperately needed.
But these wolves seemed to have an ungodly tenacity and they seemed to persist until the end of time. It was a display of an unyielding will at the worst possible time. Fueled only by their spite towards me they gave their all.
How boring this world would be if things would work out in my favour for once. There is no tension at all if things are fair. Hardships are a requirement for a long fulfilled life. Some day I will come to respect all the great care I was not shown.
Placing my anger at these poor wolves was a good method to break out of my current attitude, although even I had to admit, they had deserved it. It was not an unfair treatment considering how much of a pain they currently were.
Curses and vile insults would not necessarily speed up the process itself but it made me feel good and that is also something positive. It was unbelievable how such a simple act could have such an effect on me.
Maybe I am grasping at straws here but was I really smiling about something so utterly dumb? I would have touched my face to confirm it, but moving my body was still out of question. The mere thought seemed rather dubious to me.
How could I smile about something so mindbogglingly stupid? There was no logical explanation for having a smile on my face in these dire circumstances yet I could not understand why one had formed on my face.
Great, now I was a dumb person with a dumb smile on my face. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I know that mighty was not the right adjective to describe me, but it was fitting enough in the context to describe my current feeling.
I would like to dedicate my current lack of intelligence to the blatant lack of blood in my veins but sadly it will not accept that honour since it is clearly my brain that is fucked up. It had been for quite a while but the sheer magnitude was something I just became aware of.
I had my doubts but having the confirmation was something I had to come in terms with. The realisation that I had been the problem all along hit me like a truck. It was not a big truck, nor was it a toy truck used by children in the daycare, just a normal-sized truck.
I was shocked to the very core of my being. How could I mess it up so badly? It was such an easy task and yet I can not even do that successfully. Why does the size of the truck matter? A detail like this has destroyed the very flow, the feeling I was going for.
Okay, I am doing my best here to pass the time and refrain from throwing further insults at the wolves, so why are they so stubborn? Can they not see past the point of being mutilated to this degree?
What is so hard in just stopping to breathe for the greater good? It is not like anything good comes out of their pitiful attempts at breathing. My lack of manners may be excused, but what exactly do these friendly creatures hope to obtain by being a nuisance right until their end?
I will voice my very admiration on the eulogy I am going to hold for these brave souls and their indomitable will to go on my nerves. Praise be, to the wolves and their selfless devotion to the craft of finding ways to make life hard for me. Praise be.
Praise be to me who has lost every last bit of rationality and is now wasting away blaming the wolves for my own ineptitude. Could I still be called sane or had I long left any realm of normalcy behind?
That question was one of the few I had an answer to, but it was also one I wish I did not have. I was never the type of person, to accept myself for what I am, I just do not work like that. Being alone with my thoughts never leads to something good.
I was just lucky that this time around I somehow managed to not end up as a depressed slob again. These bouts are always nasty and not very helpful to the current me. I have much more to worry about than just my mental health right now.
The general uncertainty did not make planning any easier and all of this was still depending on the level of cooperation these wolves were willing to show. Which surprisingly had been less than stellar up until this very moment.
Someday in the near future when they have finally accepted their fate and I have emerged as a better person, then and only then will I realize just how much time they need to leave their earthly shells behind.
Surprised by the many ways I could describe the concept of death, I pondered about what exactly I was doing here just to pass some time. It was a wonder in itself, that I still had not accompanied the wolves to the afterlife out of pure boredom.
Sadly, this was not a conspiracy theory nor the result of years of drug abuse, it was a bitter reality that I still did not want to face.
Because how can you even justify something like that? I can't think of a good explanation for this kind of development. It was certainly not intended to check my vocabulary nor was it intended to be a test of patience.
This was more akin to a cruel joke that was played on my expense. Calling such a thing a test, could only be something their wicked minds would be able to come up with. All of this is just part of their elaborate ploy in which I have no free will.
Those in charge seem to not get tired of reminding me about the current state of affairs. Instead of finally letting the wolves take their well deserved eternal sleep, they are kept alive against their will and their suffering is prolonged unnecessarily.
What a crude and heartless method just to appease their own selfishness. Denying others the sweet release of death is not something that any being should have to endure.
I know that I was in no position to judge, but when I have the opportunity to shift the blame to someone else, then I am going to do it. I mean it is way more comfortable to live with that claim. Everything being predetermined and my choices not being up to me was a really good excuse.
Besides hoping for the wolves to meet their maker at any given second now was more than a waste of time. The odds of my former family coming together to mourn my death was just as likely. They would even force out a tear of grief, to show just how much they miss me.
I thought of something unpleasant as my mind began to take a turn for the worse. My mood was at a very low point and I tried to find something to cheer myself up with again.
The damage had been done and I wished bloody murder to everyone and everything on the inside yet again as I was more than displeased with the current lack of development.
As if the heavens had heard my pleading, there finally was something I had yearned for with every fibre of my being. There was a wolf in front of my eyes. Finally, a wolf had stopped its useless resistance.
I could not believe it how could this be? I thought miracles were only stuff in fables and myths, so how can something so unfathomable happen right in front of my eyes? Do my own eyes betray me?
What is this sorcery? Okay, if all of this is true and my eyes do not deceive me, then there has to be a catch. There has to be some sort of twist added to all of this, I would not get a wolf after waiting for so long without something unwanted taking place on top of it.
That is just how it has always been in this very lovely world. There always was that one thing, that came with it, something that no one in the right mind would want, but it still came as the cherry on top.
I did not want to be happy all too soon without seeing what else it would bring forth with it. But even after spending another considerable time waiting for the inevitable to occur nothing else appeared. I still did not let my guard down as I waited for the scale to take action.
To my surprise, the highly expected special bonus did not appear, nor did anything happen at all. Exactly that was the problem, after ages, a wolf had finally arrived here but the scale was as unmoving as it had been all the time before.
Great how could I forget just how benevolent this world truly is. My apologies for trying to approach everything with reason and logic. How could I be so silly and have that kind of expectations?
I am clearly in the wrong here, nobody should even dare to think when these higher forces are involved. Just lay down and prostrate yourself in front of all their glory. Beg for mercy and direct countless prayers at them, so they know that you are still alive.
Sprinkle some sacrifices on top to let them know just how much you believe in them and they might remember you for one second longer before inevitably forgetting you in the next one. How can you not put your trust and believe in them after all of this?
What kind of incentive would this scale need to finally move and do the sole thing I ask of it? It still takes most of the benefits, while I get the bare minimum, so can someone please tell me why it is not willing to go through with it?
Which kind of ludicrous requirements does it have now? It is hard to grasp what their demand is when no one has even spoken to me. Trying to guess their intention has always been a very good path to follow.
Although It was only good in delivering failures but at this aspect, it knew no equal. So you beautiful scale, how can I convince you to do me this little favour?
Do you want compliments, do you want to hear me praise you to the highest heavens? Or does something of your calibre prefer to hear songs or prose?
Dear Scale It would be such a shame, to witness all your glory and give you the blame.
It is I who made a boisterous claim, not knowing all your righteous fame.
I thought of you being all the same but this was unjust to your name.
I would never refer to you as being lame or else might I be set aflame
Forevermore I shall be tame since I am only a small part in your game.
Though my biggest crime is finding out I can not find another rhyme
How can I expect to survive if even this is not enough to thrive?
As much as it pains me to say, my prior remarks they do stay.
From your cheap look and ugly glim your full with shit to the brim
I did my best, I tried to be nice but it never sufficed
You might be in control but you are a grade-A asshole.
If there is one thing I would surely never do it would be to give a genuine apology. I did not even speak their language and I am sure that nobody would really treat me serious even if I did. So what else can I do to finally get what I desire?
Whose figurative dick do I gotta suck? At this point in time, I am not very hesitant about this stuff. Through wind and rain and through the darkest abyss, all there has to be is someone telling me what is expected of me.
However, since any kind of communication was bound to remain fruitless, it shall remain a pipe dream that they will have mercy on me and offer their help. I am not that delusional and expect them taking pity on me.
I might reconsider my current stance when hell freezes over and pigs start to fly. If I see that with my very own eyes, then I can believe in them.
Whether hell or pigs truly existed in this world was an entirely different topic. For the time being, all I could do was stare longingly at the wolf and the scale itself, silently hoping for it to start.
The only thing that moved was the wolf itself. which banged its head against the invisible wall over and over again. This was something totally innovative as exactly the same had happened with the previous example.
Wait, do not tell me that the scale requires another cub in order to start this process? If that is the case then I am done for. This was a glaring oversight, which would cost me dearly.
It should have been obvious though, trading one soul for another. One tainted soul and one pure soul coming together to form a balance. I was only the last piece of the puzzle which cleaned the last impurities for the scale itself.
Oh, wait maybe the reason why the scale did not move up until this point was not just a blatant refusal, what if it was caused by the fact that the criteria had not been met yet? Just as I was thinking about the issue I saw another wolf appear.
Strangely enough, this time around their bodies had not even healed and was in a very horrible condition. The resemblance to swiss cheese was uncanny and the fur was dyed red by all the blood oozing out of their bodies.
This wolf was as big and strong as its brethren but that did not matter to me as a very bad feeling overcame me. Something was going to happen and I just knew that I was about to suffer yet another time.
This hunch was proven correct, as the golden chains of the scale shot out at an inconceivable speed. Both wolves were tightly grabbed and pulled towards one side of the scale. On top of these golden chains were was yet another chain but it was dressed in a silver hue.
Of course, it was coming directly towards me with a fury of a thousand suns. I found myself being placed in the direct middle of both these monsters on top of the scale itself.
There was no need to ponder on my exact purpose this time around because it was crystal clear only a few seconds in after the process had finally started. This time around both animals started to dissolve right in front of my eyes.
Their dissolved particles came to me at a very slow speed but when they arrived at my body they entered alongside a painful sensation. They did not stop at that when they came out they had clumped together to form an even bigger lump then before.
Of course, exiting my body was also not that pleasant, In fact, that piece of shit really stung when it shot out of my body at Mach 5. Afterwards, it gently floated to the scale itself and was absorbed with great glee.
I really was happy to see how much the scale seemed to enjoy my work. My devotion and unmoving nature were a perfect fit for the task that was forced upon me. Especially the fact, that all of this tearing at my soul made me quiver in joy.
On the outside, it was not any better, because it felt like something was wiggling inside my body and pulling all the wounded skin back together. The sensation of my body slowly regenerating was by no means something I wanted to go through more than once.
Above everything else, it felt absolutely disgusting to be healed in such a fashion. My entire body was ravaged on the inside to put together everything on the surface of my body.
My strength returned very slowly as not much was left after the scale has had its share. Only bitter regret was left in great abundance in my mind. Feeling something akin to worms finding their way through my insides was indescribable with modern words.
For a second I thought about putting it in Shakespearean but I decided to settle for a single audible" Fuck" because that described this sensation perfectly well.
This was not the time to step in front of the pearly gates, despite the feeling making me yearn for it. I just begged that this process would be over soon as all it did not seem to want to progress. Alas, all good things take a while and bad things even more.
This lengthy progress was evidence enough for just how much love this world had in store for me, I could not help feel the warmth flooding in my heart, as yet another wormlike being burrowed itself in my body.
All of this abuse made me wonder what else this fucked up environment had in store for me. I am not overly dramatic this really hurts. As much as I would like to say something else about it this was not something I could clearly ignore.
Trying to stay silent during this entire ordeal was an impossible matter, as I needed to distract myself from the stimulus currently entertaining my body. Getting caught was the least of my worries as my voice was drowned out by the pitiful yells of sorrow from the burning creatures.
This unholy symphony of death and despair reverberated through their air filling the vicinity in its sickly rhythm. Accompanied by eerie and oppressive aura it gave their suffering a near tangible aura.
Being burned alive is considered one of the most gruesome ways to lose one's life and simply by hearing them I could imagine why. Its reputation was more than justified and I was glad not to be on the receiving end for once.
On the other hand, I was troubled by an entirely different madness. I was recovering from all the injuries I had suffered but it felt like the reverse was actually taking place. The more I came to life the more I felt like death.
I do not know how much time has passed since the process has started but neither the screams nor the fire magic had ceased in that time period. It was hard to predict exactly how many wolves were screaming at this very moment.
Knowing that detail might not help me at a first glance, but knowing the sheer scope of monsters around me is a good indication of how much trouble awaits me here. The only quantity I could make out of the multitude of different noises was that it was indeed a lot of monsters.
Amidst all the chaos and bloodshed a familiar voice entered my ears. It sounded rather pleasant and it did not contain any hostility. I had been discovered and my life has not been terminated on the spot, that's a win in my book.
Though I was wondering where I had heard the voice before, I could not lay my finger on it as my mind was still affected by the terrible procedure the scale had forced upon me. I could tell that the person was a male.
Aside from that, there was nothing much that I could do since the language was still something I could not speak or even hope to understand. This was a recurring theme in this wonderful world and I was clearly non the wiser.
Finding out the true identity of the mage was not all too hard, because there are not many people left after you discount the ones who would inflict serious harm or just outright kill me on the spot.
I did not make all too many friends by doing what I have been doing. Though why do I hear someone who was previously just a fabrication of my mind? What is going on here?
As my brain went for another trip on a carousel of was this real or was my mind just messing with me, I heard the main question trying to talk to me.
Yet, the only words I could make out were "Cheesecake" and "Hammer". According to my knowledge, I do not think that neither word could be used in the current context. Yet these words were so full of enthusiasm that I could not help but get annoyed by them.
I know that language itself is a complex topic, which associates sounds with objects and allows people to discuss ideas and objects without their presence being needed.
Provided both people speak the same language it serves as a great tool for communication but if people do not have the same foundation a lot of errors will become reality. Speaking different languages will yield nothing.
Hammer might be "hammer" in English and german alike but the pronunciation is entirely different. This still might be recognizable if written down or spoken out loud. But what about cheesecake and the german equivalent called "Käsekuchen"?
There is no way that anyone would jump from either version to the other. But let us not stop at that, what if I have known the term hammer for all my life and it refers to cheesecake in my mother tongue?
Even if it may sound similar, the context and their meaning are highly depending on the interpretation of the receiver. God, can he stop mentioning hammer and cheesecake so often? I swear I am going to strangle him if this goes on like that.
if I was not so terrible with names I could have cursed him in my mind, but all I could remember of this Cheesecake enthusiast was the red hair. Or was it brown? Either way please do not mention these words again and again.
If my body would have allowed me to I would have given all of my frustration a voice, but it was no use because I could only swear loudly at the pain that my body was undergoing. Gritting my teeth I tried my best to endure all of it.
After my body had improved its condition I still could yell at him to my heart's content. Before that, I was confronted by the cheesecake and hammer torture. His outcome was getting worse by the seconds and I kept looking forward to it.
I only hear cheesecake and hammer, cheesecake and hammer and cheesecake and hammer. Can you not see that I am currently having enough problems already? If you can not understand me, then chances are that I can not understand you either.
Why does that not get in that small brain of his? How many brain cells does he lack to not understand such a simple concept? Has he not seen the state my body is in, my contorted facial expression?
My current situation does not need an influx of hammers and cheesecake. One might think that they mean the absolute same thing or that he does not know any other words. Both theories seem very valid to me.
It might also be some sort of secret code used by international agencies to deliver the codes to the nukes. Or another layer to hell nobody has ever known or heard about. The infamous hammer and cheesecake layer for only the most serious criminals and vilest spawns of evil.
With my mind being a captive in that kind of cheesecake and hammer infested territory it was no wonder that the pain I felt was only becoming stronger. The only thing that was diminishing was my will to live.
The high frequency of words I will not name anymore was assaulting me and everything that is holy and did not stop at anything to reach their target.
God is dead, he was killed by Hammer and Cheesecake. Long live our new lords and saviours.
It is hard to think about anything else because these annoying sounds kept on penetrating my ears and echoed inside of my brain over and over again. It was akin to some sort of ancient chant or ritual. to summon a demon lord.
This was utter torment to be plagued by that kind of noise, not even the dying screams of sheer agony from the wolves could compare.
All of this was something minor, something which should not cause this kind of reaction in me, but right now it is just too much for me. Is it too much for him to shut up for once and keep his mouth closed about this or that?
Why do they insist on breaking me physically and mentally? Everything I now am is nothing more than a mere husk, a broken vessel. How can I possibly continue on?
There was no other choice I had to stand up and end his existence as soon as possible, otherwise, I would never know any peace of mind.
Fueled by hatred, I moved my body upwards, which was cracking and creaking all over and began to channel all of my desire for vengeance into my arms to squeeze the light out of him.
No more Cheesecake
No more Hammer.
No more Cheesecake
No more Hammer.
Until there is nothing left of the menace and the harbinger of doom that dared to utter these sacrilegious terms. My mind was in disarray as it had become a playground for things that rob every last bit of sanity.
Just like the Spanish Inquisition, nobody expects Hammer and Cheesecake. Get it out of my brain, carve it out with a rusty spoon and end my suffering.
The Cheesecake is a lie, there is no only Hammer. Make it fucking stop, just make it stop.
I swear to Cheesecake, do not let it Hammer itself into my membranes. I give up, do whatever you want, I have lost. Just go ahead and make me your slave or whatever. There is no way a human being can tolerate that kind of anguish.
What do you want from me? Tell me, Cheesecake and Hammer what is your desire?
Am I just here to suffer?
Do you leave me with nothing and take it all?
Should I kill myself... or everyone around me?
Will I ever find an answer to my question and recognize my real reflection?
At this point in time, I am a walking contradiction. After forcefully inhaling and exhaling a few times I was able to calm myself down just enough not to commit manslaughter.
So if he is not out to kill, what does he want from me?
Please spare me from any other Cheesecake or Hammer or else I might rethink my position on committing a heinous crime.
I do not want to hear these words ever again in all of my life.
I know that this was bound to happen sooner or later but I wished to have some peace of mind for the time being.
Alas, peace of mind was not on the menu at any time in the future.