She finished her meal and watched her family enjoying their food. She fed Jiuhan and when he was full, he quickly wiggled causing the spoon to fall off the table. She leaned down the table and picked the spoon up but on her peripheral vision, she saw her husband's hand on Wei sisters' bare legs caressing it. She closed her eyes as she felt her heart beating fast but as she opened it up, she saw no hands-on Wei's legs.
She sighed and scolded herself for she is starting to see things again like always. But her heart was still feeling a little off. She sat up and acted as if nothing happened and carried Jiuhan up.
"Xuan, Wei I will just take Jiuhan for a bath. I'll be back" she told them and smiled.
"Hmm Yan sister we will take care of the kitchen, you should rest after taking care of Jiuhan" Wei told her and ushered her to go.
Her husband just nodded his head without even taking a glimpse of her. He was looking down and his one hand under the table as if he was busy. She turned away but caught a glimpse of Wei's expression. She was gripping the table cloth while biting her lower lip and her eyes closed as if tasting something good.
Yana felt her heart thump but didn't know why her heart hurt as she saw that expression. She felt a bit of doubt but was interrupted by Jiuhan's cries. He was looking at her with eyes filled with worry, like he understands what she felt. And as if he knew something she didn't. She felt her heart warmed and brushed negative thoughts off
She doesn't have time to see things and feels suspicious. She doesn't have time and courage to know the truth. Not yet. But she will be. Soon enough. Hugging the small child in her arms, Yana felt herself shaking, she is very unwilling to admit that during the few years that they spent together, she never found anything suspicious. She always just turns a blind eye to everything. After all, Ji Xuan is the man she loved for years. The only person who had her back no matter what happens. If this will make him happy then for the sake of the love they shared for years and their son, then she will endure anything.
Sitting on the rocking chair at their veranda, Yana slowly took in all the things her eyes could lay unto. It has been so long ever since the last time she sat in here and relaxed herself. She always had things to do that she didn't even remember taking care of herself nor think about her well-being. It was always about her new family. Glancing at her son who she just finished tucking to bed, Jiuhan is still 3 years old and such a young child should be protected, she won't be able to handle the hurt and confusion he will have if he learned how broken his family is if she gave up.
When was even the last time that her husband touched her, she was too busy taking care of them? After she found out that she was pregnant with Jiuhan, Xuan started distancing himself. She needs to protect this family that she worked hard for. Tapping the back of her hand with her slender and calloused finger, Yana decided to do something about her failing marriage. She can't just let people touch what's hers.
…
As the night deepens, Yana grows more tired as she had long been waiting for her husband to enter their bedroom. It seems that he is still working at his office right now, yes that must be it. Thinking he can't be with her right now, for years she had never seen them do the deed, they can't because she is here, they still know their limits, it is so stupid of her to think that way but she got no choice but believe on false thoughts.
She even prepared and made herself look pretty just for today, she was planning on surprising him with her dressed sexily for tonight, Jiuhan also needed a sibling so she was specially prepared for tonight. Silk pajamas and lace underwear. Even wearing thin makeup to cover up the tired look on her face, even after giving birth, Yana still had a beautiful figure, although her skin had bruises and beauty marks, her innate glow can be easily ignored by anyone. She wasn't the famous beauty for nothing.
Glancing at the ticking clock on the wall, Yana's heart grew colder every minute. Past twelve and her husband still did not come back. Gathering the silk robe on the farthest corner, wrapping her exposed body tightly, with hopes that it can also warm her heart.
Stepping out of their bedroom, Yana saw the dark hallway. This hallway that they used to walk together hand in hand. Even after all the assurance she did to herself, Yana could never ignore the strong gut feeling she had that the man she held tightly with her hand had already been stolen by somebody else.
Slowly walking towards the kitchen, Yana could hear muffled moans and groans that seemed to be a little rhythmic. Every step she makes was like the feeling of being poured with cold water, waking herself up from her false daydream. Was he even hers from the beginning?
Successfully entering the dining area, she could see two shadows eloping, satisfying each other's needs. And it even seemed romantic to anyone who will see it. A couple making love and fulfilling each other's needs. But for Yana, the very view was the confirmation that she never wanted to receive nor hear.
Their bodies looked so beautiful under the dark place filled with romantic candles and suggesting positions and sounds they made. It was beautiful, only if the man was not her husband and the woman was not the little sister that she had grown to love and treasure.
Yana could bet that the number of times her husband penetrated the woman before him, was multiple times more painful for Yana. It hurts more to see that they both looked perfect for each other. So perfect that Yana felt that she was the one stopping their sweet love. As if she was the villain and they were the protagonist of the novel.
So irritating that she can't even blame her husband for it. Wei is a beautiful person, so is Xuan. They are meant for each other. Has it always been like this? Is she the outsider in this family? Jiuhan, her own son even looked more like Wei.
With that thought, Yana felt her body grow colder, unconsciously stepping back and knocking the porcelain vase on the corner of the room and snapping everyone back to their consciousness. The once romantically entangled adulterer stopped from their tracks and looked at the direction where the noise came from.
"I-Im sorry, continue what you're doing, sorry for disturbing you. I-I I got to go sorry." stuttering from her own words, Yana hurriedly left and ran back to their bedroom. She didn't even know why she was feeling sorry. She just felt terrible.
The moment she locked her bedroom's door, she weakly slumped on the floor with tears falling from her eyes. It was as if they were waters from a little pool overflowing. Yana felt her world crashed, and she got no one to blame for it but herself. She did not take care of her family properly, was she lacking? Is she even not enough?
Minutes passed that she was self-degrading and blaming herself, a slow knock from the door could be hear and Xuan's soft call. "Yan, open the door please?" wiping the unstoppable tears on her face, Yana stood and carefully opened the door, revealing the man who she always thought will only be hers forever. Opening the door means revealing her pain, the hurt she felt and her vulnerable self to the world, for everyone to judge.
"Yan-" jumping in his arms and burrowing her tear streaked face on his neck. Tightly holding on to him as if one wrong move and he will disappear from her forever. "Xuan, my love, let's sleep. I am tired. I love you. I love you so much." wrapping her legs on his waist and her arms on his neck. Refusing to let go. It was as if what happened earlier never even happened.
Sighing, Ji Xuan held her close to him and tucked her to bed, which she immediately shut her eyes shut after, clearly showing that she was not willing to talk. Seeing her like that, he got no choice but to close his eyes and wait for her.
"Xuan, are you happy with her?" surprised with the sudden question, Xuan felt troubled. Instead of lashing out and cursing them, she asked him this question. It was even clear that she was silently crying with her voice breaking and the warm tears wetting his clothes.
"I'm sorry" "do you love her?" "I-Im sorry Yan." silence once again warped the room and the constant sob from Yana.
"Xuan, I-If loving you means living in this painful world, then I would-" stopping mid-sentence, Yana looked up to him and smiled, a painful smile that showed all that she was feeling right now. "Xuan" "Yes?" "Xuan" "hmm?"
TBC
Maple Writes