Boring. Boring. Boring.
Day after day, week after week. Even as time moves, the lack of change makes it stretch into one long endless continuum of never ending boredom.
Boring. Boring. Boring.
Day after day, week after week, my time is the same as it was the day before that. Someone please save me.
I wake up in the morning to the chill of October and stare at the white ceiling to the sound of 'Parallel Lines'.
Boring. Boring. Boring.
The hour before I walk to school is spent in eerie silence. It is quiet while I dress and prepare my bag. It is quiet when I clean my teeth and make lunch. When I sit and eat breakfast, my eyes never cross with the shadowy eyes of my parents, my siblings; all hiding their disdain and disappointment for me. When was the last time I felt able to look into their eyes?
Boring. Boring. Boring.
I walk out the door, and the misty shadow of my lonely self follows my footsteps. I press play on my music, ah, nice, the rolling wave and slow pace, draws me in and puts me to ease. As long as I have this music, I can relax and not worry about anything else. I can ignore the world, and the world can ignore me, just like I want. That's how I felt before I met Sei-chan.
We first met in June last year, with the summer break beginning to approach. Just like the days I spent before, and the days I spent since, I was having my lunch alone in an empty science classroom per usual. I wouldn't mind eating in my form class, but I can't eat while listening to music. It makes me feel obnoxiously loud, and that makes me uncomfortable. So I eat alone in a science classroom and spend the remainder of my lunch there, because going back to my homeroom wouldn't change anything, so why would I expend the energy needed to move?
What was I doing?
Mostly I listen to music, or watch tv shows. Maybe I would play games, but offline ones just aren't any fun; there's no way to relieve boredom in that. There's just not the same competitive aspect; although online also can get frustrating, but I suppose that is a good thing for me. It reminds me that I'm still human; not an empty shell.
I was probably watching anime because I remember I was eating, and I can't listen to music and eat at the same time.
*
What are you doing?
Hello?
It took me a while to register a voice calling me out of my silent, lonely, one-person world. Why can I hear a voice? There's no one else here but me, right?
I lifted my head to find the alien in my world. He was short, and somewhat innocent; first-year. His posture, and how he beared himself seemed unnaturally immaculate and well composed. Brown hair, cut short in a somewhat rough and spiky. What really made him stand out was his eyes. The colour of his iris, consistent large gap between his eyelids. It made me feel nervous, uneasy, as if I was naked or more vulnerable than I appeared. His gaze was unmatched in terms of penetration and focus compared to anyone I had ever met before.
He's observing me, I realised, still confused and nonsensical about this foreigner's appearance in my world.
"You heard me?"
I tried to open my mouth and respond, but a lack of words in my empty throat was all I got; I guess I need to talk to people a bit more. I cleared my throat, still finding it a bit rough to speak, and managed to squeeze out a response; probably sounding like a helium balloon in the process, embarrassing even remembering it now.
"Who are you?"
"Tohsaka Seijuro, Class Representative, 1-A," the invader spoke, "and you?"
"Yasuraoka Sora, 2-B," I replied, still unsure of what to make of him.
He had a strange aura about him that made it hard to be around him, almost stressful, but at the same time drew you in.
What was it? His voice? His eyes?
Most likely both.
"Nice to meet you, Yasuraoka-san," Tohsaka continued, finally dropping his hypnotising gaze. I wasn't even sure if he had blinked once.
"I'm here because Akane-sensei asked me get some of her equipment, and take it to S3," he marched at an efficient fast pace, losing none of his composure or aura in the process.
I watched him impatiently, wanting him to hurry and leave as quickly as possible, so I could get onto watching my show, after all lunch break was only 45 minutes so if he didn't hurry up, I wouldn't have enough time to finish my show and get back to class.
Should I help him? No, I'm sure he's nearly done.
Sure enough, he stood up shortly afterwards, with everything he needed in a tray.
See? He was fine.
Tohsaka was almost out the door, I was reaching to put my headphones back on, reverting back into my shell; empty, dead world.
"I was wondering if you'd let me talk to you again," he turned, eyes as bright and scary as ever.
"Huh?" I wasn't sure I'd heard him right, "you want to talk to me?"
"Yes," he stated in a matter of fact way, as if this was enough to encourage me to agree.
What was this? What exactly is he trying to say? He wants to be my friend?
"Why should you; you don't know anything about me."
"I have already ascertained a lot about you, Yasuraoka-san," Tohsaka went on, "from what I can tell, you prefer to be alone, most likely because you find other people, perhaps the world as a whole, boring. You have an estranged relationship with your family and no close friends. In a way, you are struggling to find a way to entertain yourself, but have reached a point where you don't think anything could be, so you have given up trying. You see your life as meaningless, and feel disillusioned with a society in which you won't ever find someone who understands any of this."
I was completely speechless. What exactly is he? Do I already know him from somewhere, or did he inference all of it just from that small conversation?
"See? You find me just as interesting as I find you," he smiled.
His smile wasn't warm or inviting, but rather cold and harsh, almost sneering, and certainly seemed to reinstate his sense of authority and superiority.
It wasn't until later that I found out exactly who this first-year was.
He was highly ranked among the Student Council, exceedingly popular and intelligent, seemingly drawing people towards him with his sense of power. Despite his extreme youth, he had been named captain of the basketball team, I know surprising considering his height, and is apparently well-known as a great pressure defender, on-court leader, and playmaker.
How did I find all this out?
Like I said his popularity exceeds him, even kids in my year knew who he was. You see, there's this girl in my class, Otsubo Ueno, who sometimes tries to talk to me, sit next to me, basically make a nuisance of herself. She was so shocked when I spoke, that it was like she had seen a ghost. Now that I think about it, that was probably the first and only time I engaged in a meaningful conversation with her.
So what exactly happened after that?
Tohsaka Seijuro became my one and only outlet to the outside world, not that he was much like that world. I still haven't entirely worked out exactly what about me makes him interested in me, but I guess I'm like a side project or something to him. Maybe a puzzle to solve, or a collectable card he can't seem to get. He hangs out in the science lab with me maybe two times a week, the rest he spends at basketball practice, or student council meetings. Sometimes we watch livestreams, videos, movies, tv shows, listen to music, talk about school, current affairs; whatever. Seijuro has a particular interest in politics, which does not surprise me in the slightest. With his commanding, yet drawing, and strange, yet assuring voice, and his incredible ability to understand how people think it would not be strange to see him become Prime Minister in 20 years.
He's certainly strange, sometimes irritably so, but I can't remember the last time I had something to look forward to each day. Strange isn't it? Just knowing that I get to talk to him calms me down, makes me less stressed, and lets me hold my head just that little bit higher. I'm not in love with him or anything, it's just that on days that I know Sei-chan won't be sitting with me in the lab, I feel that little bit more stressed and dozy in the morning, and the entire day seems to take an extra five hours.
Oops, I've been daydreaming for too long.
My feet know the way to school by now through rhythmic repetitiveness, so even with my head in the clouds, I've all but made it to the gate. Kagari Daiki High School lies in the southwest of the greater Tokyo metropolis; nothing remarkable about it whatsoever. Just one of many schools with average students, who produce average grades, and perform average athletically; with a few exceptions, of course. The moderate light blue and white uniforms, once again do not stray far from what would be expected of any school. 7:57, perfect time; not late and not too early. I walk into the school's block entrance, where students swap their outdoor shoes for their indoor counterparts. I do my best to keep my head down, looking at my feet, but at a high enough angle that I'm unlikely to bump into anyone. Although I'm not short, as long as I don't make eye contact with anyone, I might as well be a dwarf. It's a skill picked up from many years of practice. I'm not complaining or anything though; its' not like I want to be seen.
Good. I've managed to make my way through the crowded maze of teenagers, all standing in everyone's way, making an irritation of themselves. Despite the hassle of the slowly moving mob, I manage to swap my shoes without being dealt too many blows. I stand up, struggling to keep my balance among the crashing waves of the crowd. Eventually I fall into the fold of the crowd, and allow the momentum to guide me forwards. The bell rings out loudly as the river of students splinters, moving in smaller streams towards their classes.
I sit through three hours of class, blanking out anything and everything around me. The teachers do manage to say something of interest on occasion, but for the most part my sleepy eyes stay well away from the front of the class. Tens of minutes are spent staring at the window, staring at the ceiling, reading the memoires left by past students on the desk, and squinting to see if the math teacher's hairline looks natural (probably not).
Boredom makes everything take extra time. A second feels like a minute, a minute feels like an hour, an hour feels like a day. Have you ever heard someone say, "remember what I said five minutes ago?", and in your head you wonder… wasn't that an hour ago?
If not, you've never been truly bored. Homeroom, English, Math, and History pass over the course of days. I leave my class after History adjourns, and lunch break begins.
"See you in Science, Yasuraoka-san!" Otsubo-san said in her usual over-energetic, irritating self.
I nod; the form of communication that involves the least effort, which I use as often as possible. The walk to my usual hangout, well only hangout, takes me across the school. The science labs stand separate from the main classroom block on their own, behind the carpark, and in front of the Arts block and the main field where large clusters of brainless nobodies talk in circles contemplating the truly important decisions in life such as what shade of pink lipstick would be the most appropriate for any given scenario. Yeah, and the kids in my class think I hate being alone. I would probably puke if I had to listen to them converse for more than three minutes.
The science block itself is rectangular, painted in the same dull pastel tones as the main block. It is however, about thirty years newer than the main block, and in slightly less desperate need of a renovation. The particular class that I am headed for is S3, Takeda-sensei's class. Takeda-sensei was my science teacher in my first year of high school. He was relatively young compared to most teachers, and seemed overly nice which made him seem slightly creepy. For the most part, he was just a normal guy who seemed to understand the disposition of being an outsider at high school, which led to him allowing to use his classroom as my refuge, my hideaway when I have to be at school. He even trusts me enough that he gave me a key to the room about this time last year.
Okay, I admit it. He's probably not doing it for honest reasons, but at least this way I don't have to be on my own somewhere that other people can judge me from. Today is an average day, because I know Sei-chan won't be coming. On Mondays and Wednesdays, he has Student Council meetings, Friday he meets with the basketball team to discuss tactics in advance to their game. All of this adds up to him having two free lunch breaks, which one is often spent catching up on work he is yet to do, leaving just one day to see him.
This is making me sound like a girl who's simply desperate for attention. If I wanted attention from a kid at our school, almost everyone would be easier than Sei-chan.
Lunch break without Seijuro is still better than class. At least now I can do what I want right? It's just… what do I want to do?
With Sei-chan he normally takes charge, talking about all sorts of things, or deciding what we should spend our lunch doing. Sometimes it annoys me, but at least that means I'm not completely bored.
So what to do?
Start a new movie or tv show, watch videos on the internet. Ah, yes. That sounds good.
After an uneventful lunch, I sit my way through another three hours of school. Science, food technology, and media studies, fill my afternoon. In Science we're doing practical work, so I join in my group. Preferably I would like to sit and do nothing, but I wouldn't want to ruin anything for other people so I'll do anything I'm asked. Of course Otsubo-san is in my group, so that means there is someone taking leadership which is fine, and for once makes me glad about her personality.
Food technology is probably my favourite subject. A great subject where you do nothing but listen to a teacher talk about the fundamentals of cooking, which you don't actually listen to, and on occasion make some food. For media studies, sadly we aren't watching a movie right now, so I return back to staring at the ceiling, counting how many holes are in each panel.
By now you're probably wondering why I bother going to school. Clearly all I do is complain about it so what's the point? What else would I be doing if I wasn't at school? Get a job, maybe; but that would probably be just as boring, if not more so, depending on just how mundane the task would end up being. I guess getting a job would be nice, I mean that's probably what I'll do after school ends in March. Or maybe I'll stop coming to school after New Year's, I mean if I'm not going to college, there's no need to do the end of year exams, right?
Or maybe, I'm doing it for Sei-chan. I mean, I would feel bad leaving him here without anyone to talk too.
Thinking about finishing school almost makes me smile; no more being trapped in this prison, surrounded by nonsensical monkeys. No more pretending to listen to things I already know, or doing tests that are easily passible if you put any level of effort in. Maybe that would be a good idea: finishing two months early and getting a job. It would be pretty easy to get an entry level job just about anywhere nowadays. Unemployment is so high yet there's still so many job vacancies. I think Sei-chan said it's because the government gives people too much money for doing nothing, benefits I think they're called.
Walking home from school is much harder than walking to school, even now that it's autumn. Maybe it isn't anything to do with the weather, and more to do with the depressing feeling, like a dark cloud, that I can constantly feel at home. It feels like the hatred and animosity in my family has given birth to an omnipresent dark spirit, corrupting my mind. Slowly turning me crazy.
*
It's not that I've always been like this, you know. Once upon a time, I was just one of many hard-working, young students, doing everything I could to get the best results possible. I was naturally gifted both academically and athletically. I became more than capable at most sports I tried within a matter of weeks, but the one that really caught my attention was basketball; just like Sei-chan. It was one of the more physically and technically demanding sports, and because of my height, I had an advantage over most of the girls I played against.
Through elementary school, I continued to try my hardest at everything that I put my mind to. But then, shortly after I began junior high, my view of the world expanded. My junior high was almost four times the size of both my elementary and high schools, and I met a wide variety of people there. I started to become more aware of the state of the country I lived in. Many of the kids I met were way worse off than me; one meal a day, two if they were lucky. I discovered just how hard it would be to get a good job in the future, and yet there were so many entrance level jobs that went unfilled.
I'm not sure when, but I think there was a breaking point. A time when I stopped lying to myself.
'When we are children, our parents lie to us; when we are adults, we lie to ourselves.' Sei-chan said that to me, and it has always stuck with me because of how relevant it is to me. The day I stopped believing the lies of my childhood, was the day that I was supposed to become an adult, but instead I didn't begin lying to myself. I get the feeling most people have a similar experience; a period of time where they realise they've been coddled their entire life, but they haven't learnt how to lie to themselves yet. I guess that's what being a teenager is. Maybe I simply haven't grown up yet, but I don't think that's the case. All the kids I knew from junior high who came to the same high school grew apart from me. There was no big argument or breakup, I just simply couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't look them in the eye anymore, or make simple talk without feeling like I was going to puke.
I can remember their names and faces, but I haven't talked to any of them for two and a half years. It became impossible for me to talk to anyone, to trust anyone.
Eventually my disconnection lead to isolation. Basketball became a hollow shell for me. I couldn't pass because I couldn't trust my teammates to do the right thing. The team turned their backs on me; who would want to play with someone who can't trust you?
I began to sit on my own, do everything on my own, there was no point talking to anyone. At school I stayed in Takeda-sensei's class, and at home I stayed in my room. Sometimes I would choke on the toxic air that began to surround me. I felt dizzy, and would have to excuse myself from class before I collapsed or over-exacerbated.
At some point, I noticed that I no longer had any desire to live. There was nothing for me to do that someone else could do; whoever said that individuality mattered must surely have been joking. Not that there is any such thing as individuality anymore. There are so many people in this world that even when you think you have something unique, something that is just yours, you are wrong. Someone will have what you have, and they will have it better. My boredom is a bi-product of this. If I have no desire to live, then I have no desire to do anything. There is little that interests me, and what does interest me gives only short term relief. Just like everything else, if I actually tried I could master it within a matter of months. If I master it, what's the point of trying unless there is someone who can challenge me? And if I'm not trying my hardest I'm bored.
See? It's an endless cycle this cruel world has engineered against me. Nothing can keep me occupied for more than a few months, so it isn't even worth putting in the time to try it.