Leng Jin Yu's breath soon evened out while Qiu Ling still sat next to him, unmoving. His thoughts couldn't keep to one place though. His beloved, his childhood, the future, the fights between his mother and Jinde … All of that flashes before his eyes, making his head hurt.
He had thought … he had already forgotten. Honestly, how old was he now? A hundred thousand years? Older than that? He didn't even know anymore and it didn't play much of a role either. Anyway, he was much too old to still be hung up over the things that had happened while he was a child. He was in the age when he should finally get married and have children of his own, when he should prove that he could do a better job than his parents.
Qiu Ling closed his eyes, holding back a sigh so as to not wake Leng Jin Yu up. Everything could have been so perfect. Jing He and he could have been married already. Not much time would have passed in the immortal realms since then so they probably have been exploring the dragon realm together right now. He would have shown him his favorite places in the palace, in the city, maybe even outside.
Maybe … maybe he would have shared some stories from his life. How he had lived in the capital, how he had had to leave … Maybe they would have made plans then.
'Look at this, my love, it's a place where I liked to play when I was young,' was what he'd say.
And then Jing He would glance at him with a warm smile on his lips and a gentle expression in his eyes and take his hand. 'Then we should come here often in the future so our child can play here.'
Qiu Ling really wanted to smile happily at that thought but he couldn't bring himself to raise the corners of his mouth. Their child … His child … Just like his, part of its blood would be demonic. It would be less and with part of its blood coming from the god race it would probably be even less conspicuous but it would be there. The blood, the chance to turn out like them …
Thinking of it like this, he didn't even know whether he wanted a child or not. Then again … why shouldn't he? He hadn't been allowed to have a normal family while he grew up. Shouldn't he at least be allowed to start a family now that he was old enough and had fallen in love? Where was justice if he still couldn't have a family because of the mistakes that were made in the previous generation? It wasn't him. He wasn't the one who had gotten drunk and knocked up the wrong person. No, he … he had always stayed true to Jing He. Wasn't that enough?
Qiu Ling shook his head and got up, quietly pacing up and down. Staying true to Jing He … It meant he had to forsake Jing Yi, didn't it? But just the thought of it … hurt so terribly.
He reached up and touched his chest. Jing Yi carried Jing He's soul. Seeing him die … To him or maybe to any dragon, it would feel like losing his beloved even though he would come back. Don't tell him anyone actually expected him to be able to decide for that? Maybe even … get himself to kill Jing Yi himself?
Qiu Ling fell back down to the ground and covered his face with his hands. "Jing Yi …" How was he supposed to give up on him after ten years yet again? And he felt even closer to Jing Yi than he felt to Jing He because he had seen him grow up in that time. He knew where all those fears came from but he had also seen where all that happiness had originated. It was a pity that he had missed a few years in between.
With Jing He … those two thousand years when Jing He had grown up were completely lost on him. He hadn't been with him yet and Jing He had almost never talked about it. He had merely been able to glimpse a few things from how Jing He behaved and the instances when he unwittingly let something slip. That was how he knew that Jing He had always loved the story about Xing and Tian, how he knew that Jing He's love for plants came from his mother, how he disliked crowds because he had gotten lost once as a child.
Ten years for just this bit. But he treasured each of these bits of knowledge like his most important treasures. Losing Jing He … never seeing him wake up again …
Before Qiu Ling could find words to describe his feelings, tears were already streaming down his face. No. It couldn't happen. Jing He had to open his eyes again. He still wanted to see him smile, still wanted to see him laugh, still wanted him to share his secrets and share his own secrets with him in return. That was how their life was supposed to be.
But then … He lowered his hands with a sigh. He had reached an impasse. He couldn't have both so he had to decide. But neither choice was one he wanted to make. So what should he do? Just what?
Qiu Ling turned to look at Leng Jin Yu and smiled wryly. "Old man, you sure are troublesome. Back then you never would have given me advice. Didn't you secretly resent me because I was the reason you finally had to give up on the old geezer? Is this your revenge now? Finally giving me advice when I need it and then … letting me face such a huge decision alone again?"
Leng Jin Yu was already deeply asleep and didn't hear a word. Qiu Ling could only sigh and turn back to the front, wiping the tears from his cheeks. Ah, how pathetic. He should probably be happy that his beloved wasn't here to see him like this.