Xin Lan didn't stop to massage Jinde's shoulders but he did take a look at his face, holding his gaze for a moment. "I'm not sure what to do. Should I pretend I'm surprised and ask you just what kind of motive you think I have?"
"Aren't we too old for that already?"
"I would have thought you were too old to get insecure around me either. Does it really bother you so much? To imagine I was … secretly thinking of you?"
"So you were?" Jinde raised his chin, his golden brows arching above his eyes. He wouldn't let Xin Lan get away with skirting around the subject like this. He had to get the truth.
Xin Lan returned his gaze and sighed. "You know how I think about you. You're beautiful. And I … You've said it yourself when you talked to your husband. I appreciate beauty. Naturally, I have always thought the same about yours." His fingers stopped moving and finally, he picked up one of the golden strands hanging down Jinde's back. "You found me when I was at my lowest. I was prepared to die. I didn't mind the thought of it. In fact, I thought it might be better. I had been alone for far too long, I was always different from them. Even leaving the capital and traveling around hadn't changed any of that. Wherever I went, things were the same."
"I know that."
"You know but do you understand? It only changed when you picked me up that day. For a short while … I could feel like a normal man."
Jinde nodded. "I know. It's my fault."
"Your fault?" Xin Lan chuckled. "It was what saved my life. More so than you patching me up. You …" He reached up and cupped the beautiful face he had dreamed about so often. "You gave me hope. Hope and a task. I never minded that we couldn't be together. I mean … I would have liked it if we could but you already told me back then, that you were in love already. I do understand that that makes it impossible. Since then I haven't expected anything. I don't expect anything now either. It's just that …" He sighed and let go, leaning back with a wistful smile. "You're still as beautiful as back then. In fact, you're even more gorgeous now than you were back then. And I … I'm a lonely man. Can't I have my thoughts?"
Jinde sighed. "Can't you have your thoughts about somebody else? What about that —"
"Don't mention him. I don't appreciate being lumped together with somebody just because it would be convenient."
"I see. Then I won't. Although I do think that things might work out between the two of you." His lips curved up and he leaned closer to Xin Lan, his golden eyes twinkling. "The only one who hasn't been cursed and a fallen god. What a pair you'd make!"
Xin Lan furrowed his brows. He really wanted to get angry but looking into these eyes and seeing that smile, he couldn't work up any anger. "Master …"
Jinde reached out and grabbed his arm. "I'm sorry. I know this isn't easy for you either but … I don't think you'll be happy if you always think about something you can't have. Wouldn't it be better to find somebody you can be happy with? And I think somebody who isn't of our race would be nice for you."
"Didn't we talk about this already?"
"We did. And more than once. But I haven't seen you trying to fall in love yet so I don't think I should stop mentioning it."
"I might not be cursed but I can't fall in love just like that either. Do you really have to be like this? I never stood in your way, did I? I didn't prevent you from getting together with Chun Yin's reincarnation, I even went to get him out of that secret realm when I found out he was trapped there. I don't oppose you having a child with him either. I know you …" He sighed. "I know you love children. Having one with your husband … Naturally, that is something that you want." Xin Lan lowered his gaze and looked at the hand holding onto his arm. Physically, they were so close. But why did it seem as if they were currently growing further apart from each other? "Master … What do I need to do for you to believe me?"
Jinde sighed.
"Master! I don't expect anything. I really don't. I just … I don't want to lose you. You're the most important person in my life."
Jinde sighed again. "Xin Lan, you misunderstood me. I don't mind. Well, I guess I can't say that I don't mind. But I don't think that you'd ever do something to compromise my relationship with Jin Yu. I trust you. I still do and I will always trust you. I will never forget that it was you who was there for me when … when I was at my lowest.
"But that is the reason why I'm saying this. I know how it is to desire something you can't have. You might not be cursed but that doesn't mean that you don't feel as deeply as any of us. Looking at somebody, loving them from afar, seeing them be happy with somebody else … I myself have experienced just how much that hurts." Jinde leaned closer, finally cupping Xin Lan's face, his fingers trailing the mask that covered half his face. "You don't deserve to go through that. You deserve to have somebody you can love and who will love you back. That is all I want."
"So you want me to leave?"
"No!" Jinde frowned. "Why are you being like this? I don't want to throw you out. I want you to be happy! Just as happy as I am now."
Xin Lan sighed and got up, pulling out of Jinde's grasp even though he would have liked to feel his gentle touch for a while longer. "Unfortunately, it's not that easy. I can't just stop loving you and find somebody else. That … isn't how it works. If it was, then wouldn't things be different?" He glanced over his shoulder and smiled. "If not for the curse, if not for Chun Yin, then maybe I would already have the person that can make me happy at my side."