Jing He and Tian lay in the darkness both of them seemingly unsure of what to do next. Tian had probably given up hope already that anything would happen this night and Jing He who wanted something to happen didn't dare to bring it up.
Yes, he had decided. If Tian took the first step, he would allow him. But it still required Tian to take the first step. He himself … he couldn't bring himself to do it. After all, even if he had decided, he didn't want to give his lover cause to think of him differently. There was a chance that he already would when he embraced him before their wedding but he definitely didn't want to make it worse.
In his lover's eyes, he wanted to remain pure. Tian should think of him as perfect, as someone worthy of his love. He didn't want to be seen as a slut. So, naturally, Jing He wouldn't ask for it even if it was the only possibility to fulfill this wish tonight. He'd rather forgo being embraced by his lover for now than risking that Tian would dislike him.
Although … Jing He slightly lifted his head and looked at Tian's arm that held onto his waist. It had been ten years since they met and his lover had tried more than just a few times to get physically closer to him. If it didn't happen even now and he then went on his trial, would Tian feel that there wasn't any hope left for them? Ah, he would rather Tian thought badly of him but stayed with him than losing him while leaving a perfect image in his mind.
Jing He wanted to speak up but he couldn't find any words that would convey his feelings. What should he say? How could he say it in a way that wouldn't leave too bad of an impression in his lover's mind?
At the same time, Tian seemed to decide that he had waited long enough for his beloved to calm down. The arm that had been calmly lying around his waist started to move and finally found Jing He's hand in the dark. "My love, don't you want to see me?"
Jing He shuddered. Tian's voice sounded so close, even more so because of the darkness around them. There was nothing but that gentle voice behind him, the warmth of the chest in his back, the heavy arm circling his waist, the slightly rough skin of that hand … Jing He closed his eyes and let himself fall. Maybe his lover wouldn't embrace him tonight but … he could still be his in a sweet way.
"Was what I did this unforgivable?" The person slowly moved, propping himself up on one arm and slightly bending over his lover, his breath caressing Jing He's cheek.
Jing He's eyes opened only to see the vague silhouette of his lover above him. His heart leaped. If Tian bent down now and their lips met, then … then maybe …
"Jing He?" Tian indeed lowered himself a little but didn't try to kiss him.
"Mn." Jing He waited with bated breath but his lover didn't even seem to think of continuing. In the end, he himself turned to the other side. He didn't say anything though.
Tian observed him for a moment before lying down again. "So you're not angry with me?"
Jing He slid closer in lieu of an answer and snuggled up against his lover's chest. How could he be angry? He would never be able to be angry at him.
Tian reached over and gently cupped his cheek. "I really wouldn't have been able to stand it had you been dissatisfied with me. Having to separate for these two months … it's bad enough. I don't even want to imagine separating on a bad note."
"I …" Jing He wanted to assure him that that would never happen because there was no way they would ever really argue but he still kept quiet in the end. Yes, he would never be angry or dissatisfied with his lover but who could say that it was the same for Tian? Such a perfect man, wouldn't he get bored with him one day? After all, what did he have to make him stay?
"It's alright." Tian once again hugged his waist and pulled him closer, even bending forward to lightly kiss his cheek. "As long as you're happy it's alright."
Jing He nodded and leaned his head against his lover's chest. Hearing his heartbeat a sweet feeling emerged in his own heart. This was his lover, the man he had decided on, the one and only man he would ever accept at his side.
'I love you.' Jing He silently mouthed those words he had longed to say for so long already. For now, he couldn't say them aloud. That would have to wait until after their wedding.
But someday he would say them. Someday, he would look up, directly into his lover's, no, into his husband's eyes and would declare his love for him. And maybe he would even be bold enough to tiptoe and kiss those thin lips.
Jing He smiled at that and lifted a hand. He carefully placed it against his lover's torso and rubbed the fabric of his robe. He could feel the slight elevation of the embroidery and gently traced the threads that seemed to form scales. His fingers trailed down until they reached Tian's navel. His lover shuddered.
Jing He hastily retracted his hand. "I'm sorry. I —"
"It's alright." Tian said so but he pulled Jing He closer, not giving him even the slightest space to move.
Jing He felt like he had done wrong. Obviously, his lover didn't want him to continue. Look, he held him so close so that he couldn't continue. And before that, he had shuddered. He must have hated the feeling. Jing He lowered his head and wished he hadn't done anything. He should have just continued to lie there then nothing would have happened.
Tian also lowered his head and looked into his beloved's eyes. Who knows if he could actually see something? It was already so dark that Jing He could hardly see his lover's form.
"My love, when you come back …"
"Mn?" Jing He looked back at his lover.
The moonlight falling through the window made Tian's eyes gleam for a moment and uncovered a pale cheek. Jing He stared blankly. He had always known that his lover was handsome but … Could it be that he was even more charming in the moonlight? It felt impossible but looking at the bit he could see right now it certainly seemed true.
"When you come back from your trial … let's marry that very same day."