For the first time in weeks, Jing Yi felt completely rested. It gave him the illusion that he would be able to achieve anything right now. He didn't act on the impulse, though, and continued to lie there, his thoughts wandering.
He had agreed to marry Qiu Ling but up until now, he hadn't felt much anticipation for that time. Wouldn't it be the same whether they were married or not? They spent every day with each other anyway. Traveling together, wasn't that also a proof of the feelings they shared between them?
But at this moment he finally understood. It wasn't the same. The type of feeling he had now was completely different from what he had experienced on their travels. He felt especially warm and secure right now. It was as if they were a family. There was someone beside him he could trust, some who would take care of him.
When had somebody bothered to cover him with a blanket the last time? When had somebody stayed next to him and held him in his arms? He remembered exactly: It had been when he was a child and that person had been his mother. Now, there was Qiu Ling.
I really am lucky. Even though father isn't there anymore, I still have my mother and I even had the fortune to meet someone like Qiu Ling who cares so much about me.
Jing Yi nestled closer in Qiu Ling's embrace and covered the hand next to him with his own. He felt like he should do something for Qiu Ling, too. Despite that one time when he helped him to get out of his inner self, he had never done anything for him. And even then there had been another person helping because he couldn't even enter on his own and he himself hadn't done much besides finding Qiu Ling and listening to his story.
This relationship of theirs … it was quite one-sided, wasn't it?
Jing Yi turned in Qiu Ling's arms and looked up at his face. He couldn't help but smile when he saw his eyes closed. It seemed he hadn't been the only one who was tired. In the past year, he had never seen Qiu Ling sleep. When he fell asleep Qiu Ling was still wide awake and when he woke up the next morning Qiu Ling would always have gotten up already. This was actually the first time he saw Qiu Ling asleep.
Jing Yi examined the face he had already gotten so familiar with in the past year. His features were relaxed right now and he was even smiling a bit as if he was having a nice dream.
Jing Yi reached over and lightly caressed his cheek. Qiu Ling's smile grew more pronounced and he pulled him closer with a practiced motion until Jing Yi's head came to lie against his chest. Then, he sighed with obvious satisfaction. "Jing He … So you've come back."
Jing Yi froze. His hand on Qiu Ling's cheek trembled a bit and he hurriedly took it back. That name again. More and more often he felt like Qiu Ling wasn't really talking to him when he used it.
Jing Yi sighed but in contrast to Qiu Ling's happy mood, his heart was heavy. He still remembered that person in the blue robe. His beautiful face, the valuable robe, his elegant movements … And the thing he remembered most clearly was Qiu Ling's reaction. The expression he had made when he saw that person again and spoke about him. Even though it had only been a fragment of his memory that they saw he had been so happy. It was obvious how much he had loved that person.
Jing Yi tried to get out of Qiu Ling's arms but naturally, he didn't succeed. Instead, Qiu Ling pulled him even closer when he noticed. "Jing He. Where do you think you're going?" The words he whispered made it even worse.
"Let go." Jing Yi tried to free himself of Qiu Ling's hands but they gripped onto him too tightly.
In the end, Qiu Ling opened his eyes. "What is it, my love?" He relaxed his grip but still didn't let go of him completely.
Jing Yi sat up. It was too obvious that something was wrong. Qiu Ling sighed and sat up, too. He leaned forward and put his chin on Jing Yi's shoulder. "You don't want to talk about it?"
"I …" Jing Yi pressed his lips together. He wanted to but he didn't dare to. What if Qiu Ling would indeed realize that he still loved that person and that he was just a replacement? Wouldn't he lose him? He didn't want to. He had already fallen in love with him.
"Mn, I'm pretty sure my sleeping posture is extremely handsome. You can't be miffed about that, can you?"
"No, I …" Jing Yi sighed. "You said his name. Again."
"Ah? Whose name?"
"Jing He's."
Qiu Ling gripped Jing Yi's cheeks and made him turn around. "But that's your name. My love, is everything alright with you?"
Jing Yi slapped his hands away. "How is that my name? I'm called Jing Yi. It's clearly that person we saw back then in your inner self you're calling out to."
"Oh." Qiu Ling let go of him and laid back down. He crossed his arms behind his head and looked up at the ceiling, his mood tangled.
Jing Yi was equally embroiled in his own thoughts.
In the end, Qiu Ling sighed. "So, you've been agonizing over this issue for a whole year?"
Jing Yi winced and averted his face. He really had but he didn't want to admit it.
Qiu Ling reached over and grabbed his hand. "My love, I'm sorry. I'm at fault for this. I told you a lot of things back then but not everything. And I probably did a poor job at it. I should have said more regarding him."
"I don't even want to hear more about him." Jing Yi bit his lip as soon as the words were out. That person was Qiu Ling's savior. How could he talk about him like that?
Before he could apologize, Qiu Ling had grabbed his waist and pulled him back. Jing Yi gave a yelp but his fiance caught him and hugged him to his chest again. "Alright. I'll explain."
Qiu Ling absentmindedly stroked Jing Yi's hair. "Yes, Jing He saved me from everything back then. My fear, my hate, everything seemed less severe after we met. I was really happy. Jing He … Ah." Qiu Ling sighed. "He didn't like me back. I spent ten years until I had finally wooed him. And then … he left."
Qiu Ling's voice lowered at the end and when Jing Yi glanced at his face it seemed grieve-stricken. He regretted bringing it up. So that person already wasn't there anymore. He had died.
Qiu Ling sighed again. He couldn't tell Jing Yi the truth without risking to bring him new trouble. Thus, he could only go with this vague account of what had happened. "That isn't the important thing here, though. That was then. This is now.
Jing … Yi. We've been together for a year. And even if I use the wrong name that doesn't mean that I don't love you. It's just … To me, you're the same person. Whether it was the Jing He back then or the Jing Yi now I feel content being with that person. I can forget about the things that happened in my past and enjoy my life. That is only possible because you're with me.
So … You don't have any reason to be jealous or doubt my sincerity toward you. I really love you. It's just that sometimes I get caught up in my memories of my time with him because they are so important to me. And, it was ten years after all. We've only known each other for one. Isn't it normal that there is more connecting me to him than there is between us?"
"That's true." Jing Yi reached out and stroked Qiu Ling's chest. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like that. It just hurts a bit that you don't even know my name."
"I do know I just never use it."
Jing Yi looked up at him with a questioning gaze. He could understand everything else but not that.
"Well, you could probably say that his name is equivalent to the person I fell in love with, the person that brought me light and happiness. And now I fell in love with you so you're Jing He to me."
"It feels strange, though."
"Then I'll try not calling you that anymore."
"You can't. We're in the Hei Dian Sect now. We can't use our real names. Have you forgotten already?"
"Mn, right. Then how about I call you Jing'er from now on?"
"Jing'er?" Jing Yi blushed. His parents had called him that when he was small. Being called that by Qiu Ling … It felt a bit weird.
"Ah, I think I like it." Qiu Ling hugged him closer. Actually, this was pretty good. Thanks to his beloved's jealousy he would now get to call him this way. He should continue to do so when they returned to the nine heavens.
"Mn. My Jing'er." Qiu Ling smiled but froze the next second. There was a calculating light in his eyes, though, when he leaned over Jing Yi. "Right. Now that we've settled that … Where's my good morning kiss?"